To meet up with an old friend who is in very different circumstances?

@UndecidedCidersdon't let them make you feel bad for Googling. Most of us would try to check up if something seemed off. Where I'm originally from, more is available publicly and women often check both the sex offender registry and the circuit court records. That is the lower courts- drunken disorderlies, domestic abuse, solicitation, evictions, ect. I once found a contractor who had done my porch was a sex offender by looking who lived in the area around a house I was considering! And I found the house I bought was reduced because a coke dealer was getting out of prison and getting rid of his house beforehand was a condition of release.

In the U.K. I met the nicest lady at softplay and our kids played for hours. She suggested we meet up again. She told me a few worrying things about a boyfriend- no name. And later I found the media coverage about him and the crime but also the domestic abuse. As she still loved him and stayed in touch and as he will likely be released, I chose not to pursue a friendship with her because I don't need that element in my life... and I can't hide my disdain face.

If knowing or checking makes me a bad person then so be it. In your case, I'd do a quick meet up at a coffee shop passing through and see her. What you know already can prepare you for the visit and know what you will do if she asks for help or money, for example. But you might always wonder, and if something happens to her you might feel regret that you didn't reach out. Only you know what is right for you.

I met up with an old college friend recently after 30 years. It didn't go well, but I don't regret trying it.

It seems unusual that you would want to involve your husband and kids with your old friend meet-ups though?
If I meet up with an old friend from my distant past, I wouldn't take DH along. He wouldn't be interested, and it would upset the dynamic.
I wouldn't be interested in tagging along to his either.

Perhaps she's trying to turn her life around, which isn't easy to do if friends shut you out without explaining why. If op doesn't want to meet up, she should at least tell her the reason. That would give her friend the chance to say " I have used in x months, or whatever." Maybe she's trying to clean up her life.

You really are naiive in the nicest way possible. Like I said previously I worked in the fifield until 3 months ago. You do not retire before 50 unless you are good at your job. It is sad, beyond belief, hopeless but you do not have the power to change people. The drugs are a stronger pull sad as it is. I am in no way saying users are bad people, they just got swept up by the wrong tide

So in that circumstance i would be direct with her and message her with your concerns that you have said on here.

’ Hey friend, it’s been great to catch up after so long. It’s been lovely to hear from you and to chat about the old days but I’m feeling that you are not being quite honest with me when I ask about your life now?

Im not sure if something is going on but I would really appreciate you being honest with me - maybe we can meet up half way for a coffee after all and proper catch up?

You have left the ball on her court then. If she still says everything is fine then meet up with just her and you will soon know from how she is.

She may say that it’s a life she was in but had now gotten out of, or she may be involved in that lifestyle still but you won’t know until you meet her.

Yeah I thought this reply was wild. From ‘ Hey do you fancy meeting up for a coffee after all these years ‘ to OMG she is an addict here is a ten step rehab program…

Except I’m not messaging you am I? I’m commenting on a public thread ( just like I’m entitled too 😏 )

You need to calm down.

There is no indication that OP 's friend is an addict. And OP would be meeting her for coffee, not moving her into her house.

If she doesn't open up and answer questions over the phone, what makes you think she will over a coffee? If she is a user she will lie and you will never get a straight answer from her. She may not be a user, just made bad bf choices and want to start afresh. Why don't you continue chatting on phone so that you can get to know each other again before meeting up? If she's still not opening up after a month or so, you can reassess the situation.

I think generally, the idea that we shouldn't judge people is nonsense and the suggestion that some people don't judge is BS. We all judge people all the time. If we didn't judge people how do we know who we like? And we judge people on the choices they make because those choices make them who they are.

Your friend's choice is to be in relationships with violent drug dealers. Had she been doing that when you first met I suspect you would never have become friends. But this is who she is now and her being so evasive about what her life is like now suggests she knows you wouldn't like the person she has become.

If you go to meet her that is who you will be meeting, not the woman you have fond memories of. It could be she is nostalgic for her previous life and would like to go back to that and maybe she feels reconnecting with you might help her do that. But she hasn't said that, has she? It is equally possible that she might feel she has something else to gain by drawing you back in. But if it is just a straightforward attempt to rekindle your friendship, I think your lives are so different now that would be impossible.

No need for personal attacks. At least read the OP's posts. By all means, if you want to associate with heroin dealers and violent criminals, go ahead though.

I'm curious why it is you who has to go and see her, if some meetup is to occur. Why can't she come and see you? Or meet halfway?

(I think you would be nuts to re-engage face to face at this point, though.)

You know she isn’t though

Maybe mos people are not as narrow minded, quick to jump to worst conclusions and judgey as you.

This.

Or to see how disastrous her life actually was as you already know she is not in a good place

I know someone who has met up with people they knew 50 years ago too. They now have a network of such friends that they see a lot.

You never know what will happen. If you’ve got along ok messaging, then why not? You’ve not really got much to lose except half a day travelling and as you were such great friends at Uni you’ll probably enjoy reminiscing. Arrange a brief meeting though. Pass through their hometown and “organise” something in another place nearby “that you’ve always wanted to visit” so you can only meet up for a hour or two. Or just say that things haven’t worked out with childcare. Partner / family are busy now (unexpected work / appointment) and you needs to get back home and can only stay an hour or two. Or organise to meet half way. Again for a short time. See how it goes. Ask if it’s just going to be the two of you. “I’d be more comfortable catching up if it was just the two of us”.

If it doesn’t work out fine, but you might love to reconnect and it might work out great. It might be that your friend needs you as life and things haven’t worked out as she thought.

good luck

This is the most insane 'advice' I have read on this thread, from someone purportedly working with addicts for over twenty years.

OP is not a one-woman rehabilitation centre for someone she's not seen in years, who hasn't even asked for help.

If yous were really true friends it won’t feel awkward for long. Maybe make the first meeting brief or do an activity so there’s stuff to chat about.

It's a reasonable deduction, given this:

What makes me think my friend may be on heroin is that she’s been in relationships with heroin dealers for at least the past year.

But even if she is not, which is kind of unlikely:

It’s not just the heroin but the dealing, violence, gun crime, theft and other offences that her close associates are involved in that scares me. I don’t know the level of her involvement but the men she’s dating are not good people.

Don’t meet up with her.

Save her from your classist and judgemental views.

You don’t sound like much of a friend tbh.

You make repeated remarks about her moving back to her hometown as though that’s some huge shame. Just because she isn’t married or has kids like you do does that make her a lesser person? People’s lives go in different ways. I’m not sure how you’ve deduced she’s on heroin, thats a whole other issue if it’s correct.

Tbh I would save yourself the headache, retreat back to your comfortable, successful life and leave the memory of her in happier times. And save her your judgement. You don’t sound like a true friend at all.

Would you be meeting with her just to satisfy your curiosity though and if so where would you take it from there?