Page 4 | TW - DBil suicide attempt on DN’s birthday - help please

goateee · 2025-08-21T08:23:52+00:00

My sisters DH tried to take his life the night before our DNs birthday who’s 6. She stayed with her grandma that night, on her actual birthday my sister went to pick her up, and returned home with her to find her husband had taken another overdose and was comatose. My DN witnessed this, her dad unconscious, the panic from her mummy and the ambulance coming. My sister called me and DH to pick DN up from her house, which we obviously did. When we got there paramedics were working on DBIL and I was asked to take DN away from the house. We tried to make her birthday as normal as possible. She seems okay really, had a good day yesterday and didn’t say anything about her mummy or daddy. DBIL is “okay” now, he has been medically stabilised and admitted to a psychiatric ward. Sister has asked us to keep DN here for a few more days as she is exhausted and overwhelmed. This is absolutely fine with us. How can I best help DN and DSis? I’m in absolute shock, I feel so sad for the whole family.

CatamaranViper · 21/08/2025 13:19

Fedupwiththecuts · 21/08/2025 09:45

I would agree with this. She knows DN is safe and cared for. She'll be much less reassured about BIL.

I don't know what your situation is but is DH able to sit with his brother to give SIL a break? Even if it's for her to go and get a shower/change of clothes. She may even want to see DN for a bit but doesn't want to leave BIL.

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It's not his brother, it's OPs sister and her husband.

OP well done for stepping up and helping. You've made the situation significantly better for your DN and your DS by doing this. Be proud that they both love and trust you so much. I do agree in making sure your DN knows they can talk about what they experienced but without adding any pressure.

inigomontoyahwillcox · 21/08/2025 13:10

Just to reiterate what others have said about your Dsis not yet coming to see DN. She knows she is in a safe, secure and loving environment with people she can trust. She will be under no false illusions as to the fall out on her daughter but that can and will be dealt with in the proceeding weeks/months/years. Right now she will be in survival mode and managing all the urgent things that need to be dealt with (e.g. her DH's care, liaising with anyone who needs to be made aware, such as his employer, family members etc.) as well as her own shock.

I say this as someone who had to deal my DH's couple of aborted attempts and a failed hanging almost 2 years ago, so I can understand the pressure your Dsis is currently under. My immediate concerns for DD (15 at the time) was that someone got rid of the noose in the garage before she popped home and saw it (she was with some good friends a few doors down) to stop any further damage to her. But in the longer term I got her counselling and didn't shy away from having conversations with her about it.

MaryMungoMidgley · 21/08/2025 13:08

I feel sorry for the bloke but it seems pretty awful that he chose to do it on his daughter's birthday ☹️

UncertainPerson · 21/08/2025 13:04

I think a PP is right that you should talk about it with DN and allow her to express her feelings. Someone you love being suicidal is at one level the most profound rejection of all. Even if it’s not strictly true, there’s a narrative in your head that your close person didn’t see you as a good enough reason to stick around. I think it’s important to talk about Dad not being very well. Kids are ego-centric in their development and tend to assume things are their fault, and it’s important DN knows that this wasn’t her fault.

jonthebatiste · 21/08/2025 12:54

What you’re doing is what you need to continue to do. Please don’t judge your sister for not coming to visit your DN. She may be sparing her DD. She has trusted you with her child’s life. Just take it all one day at a time.

wombat1a · 21/08/2025 12:49

I think what you are doing is what your DSis needs you to do, she knows your DN is in a safe loving place and thats probably a better place for her at the moment than being with her mother who is probably in a state.

WRT to real attempts being outside, not in my experience, DBiL managed it at home.

WhereIsMyJumper · 21/08/2025 12:49

Muffinmam · 21/08/2025 10:28

I agree.

My priority would be to my own child. I would also end the relationship. He took an overdose knowing he would be found and knowing his daughter would see him comatose. And be did all this right before her birthday.

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I think the OP’s priority needs to be her niece as her sister seems to be more concerned with her husband. The husband shouldn’t move back into the house. He isn’t a safe person to be around this child.

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I agree

Sdpbody · 21/08/2025 12:46

Muffinmam · 21/08/2025 10:28

I agree.

My priority would be to my own child. I would also end the relationship. He took an overdose knowing he would be found and knowing his daughter would see him comatose. And be did all this right before her birthday.

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I think the OP’s priority needs to be her niece as her sister seems to be more concerned with her husband. The husband shouldn’t move back into the house. He isn’t a safe person to be around this child.

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I would also end the relationship.

I do think suicide in general is selfish, but doing it at home, knowing your daughter would find you, on her birthday, is just too much for me to forgive.

GreenFlag · 21/08/2025 12:45

Muffinmam · 21/08/2025 10:28

I agree.

My priority would be to my own child. I would also end the relationship. He took an overdose knowing he would be found and knowing his daughter would see him comatose. And be did all this right before her birthday.

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I think the OP’s priority needs to be her niece as her sister seems to be more concerned with her husband. The husband shouldn’t move back into the house. He isn’t a safe person to be around this child.

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I knew one of you would be in the comments sooner rather than later.

InterestedDad37 · 21/08/2025 12:28

Aethelredtheunsteady · 21/08/2025 11:02

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I'm sorry that you've had family experience but this isn't the case. Many people die by suicide in their own home - research has shown it's the most common location (something I have observed anecdotally both professionally and personally).

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I've known 3 men around my age who have taken their own lives - one was outside the home, two were at home. And a female friend, when we were about 20 yrs old - at home too. 🙁

WhiteRose9791 · 21/08/2025 12:24

Muffinmam · 21/08/2025 10:28

I agree.

My priority would be to my own child. I would also end the relationship. He took an overdose knowing he would be found and knowing his daughter would see him comatose. And be did all this right before her birthday.

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I think the OP’s priority needs to be her niece as her sister seems to be more concerned with her husband. The husband shouldn’t move back into the house. He isn’t a safe person to be around this child.

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"genuine attempts always take place outside the house". My brother took his own life in the family home. Seems like a genuine attempt to me.

MounjaroMounjaro · 21/08/2025 12:19

I'm so sorry, @Mikart. That must have been heartbreaking.

Mikart · 21/08/2025 12:19

Muffinmam · 21/08/2025 10:28

I agree.

My priority would be to my own child. I would also end the relationship. He took an overdose knowing he would be found and knowing his daughter would see him comatose. And be did all this right before her birthday.

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I think the OP’s priority needs to be her niece as her sister seems to be more concerned with her husband. The husband shouldn’t move back into the house. He isn’t a safe person to be around this child.

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Not in my experience. My ds took his life in his home and it was genuine.

Netcurtainnelly · 21/08/2025 12:08

Why on.kids birthday's?

InveterateWineDrinker · 21/08/2025 11:51

Muffinmam · 21/08/2025 10:28

I agree.

My priority would be to my own child. I would also end the relationship. He took an overdose knowing he would be found and knowing his daughter would see him comatose. And be did all this right before her birthday.

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I think the OP’s priority needs to be her niece as her sister seems to be more concerned with her husband. The husband shouldn’t move back into the house. He isn’t a safe person to be around this child.

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I'm afraid I'm another one who finds this spectacularly unhelpful and misleading.

A schoolfriend of mine was successful in his attempt, at home, on his twin DC's sixth birthday. He used a knife, and the kids found him. I'm not sure there's much you can do at the moment, OP, apart from react calmly to events as they unfurl, and doing what you need to do on each moment's merits - whether you've been asked to or not.

Don't get involved in the relationship going forward; that's something they need to deal with themselves, in a fully informed manner which includes compliance with treatment. I can't speak for anyone else, but my marriage vows included "in sickness and in health" and I meant them when I said them.

Rachierach11 · 21/08/2025 11:30

greencrab · 21/08/2025 09:43

How awful for your niece.

I don't think there's is a right way to support your family in the immediate aftermath and following your instincts and doing the best you can is great. It would be a good idea to get professional support as the situation becomes less immediate, something like play therapy for your niece and extra support at school

Maybe your niece can have a birthday party or treat with friends when school restarts or something so that she can have more positive associations moving forward and that's quite a birthday thing for children with school holiday birthdays so doesn't need to be seen as an abnormal thing.

I wouldn't think I'd make the same choice as your sister but it's great you are able to not judge that and recognise that she is in shock. Maybe talk with her about if it would be good for niece to make a get better soon card or something for her dad whilst he is in hospital, not talking about something at all can be quite frightening for children and this frames it early on as an illness not a rejection by her dad.

No experience here but I think making a get well soon card and framing it as illness and not rejection is a fantastic idea. For it to happen on her birthday (best day of your life when you’re 6) must have been huge for her and she could have all sorts of feelings towards her Dad about that.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 21/08/2025 11:24

Muffinmam · 21/08/2025 10:28

I agree.

My priority would be to my own child. I would also end the relationship. He took an overdose knowing he would be found and knowing his daughter would see him comatose. And be did all this right before her birthday.

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I think the OP’s priority needs to be her niece as her sister seems to be more concerned with her husband. The husband shouldn’t move back into the house. He isn’t a safe person to be around this child.

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I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house

What are you trying to achieve by writing this? OP is asking for how best to support her sister and niece, not sure that suggesting her sister is reacting "wrong" to this unbelievably stressful situation, or that her BiL was what, attention seeking (?) is helpful.

For what it's worth, I have also experienced suicide in my close circle, including a dear friend who did it at home (sadly, "successfully"), so your post is not just unhelpful but wrong.

SpaceRaccoon · 21/08/2025 11:05

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

With respect, that hasn't been my experience. I think it's dictated by what is available to the person in crises based on the laws of a particular country, for instance, or changing safety legislation (eg Sylvia Plath).

Aethelredtheunsteady · 21/08/2025 11:02

Muffinmam · 21/08/2025 10:28

I agree.

My priority would be to my own child. I would also end the relationship. He took an overdose knowing he would be found and knowing his daughter would see him comatose. And be did all this right before her birthday.

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I think the OP’s priority needs to be her niece as her sister seems to be more concerned with her husband. The husband shouldn’t move back into the house. He isn’t a safe person to be around this child.

Show quote history

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I'm sorry that you've had family experience but this isn't the case. Many people die by suicide in their own home - research has shown it's the most common location (something I have observed anecdotally both professionally and personally).

Corfumanchu · 21/08/2025 10:55

MounjaroMounjaro · 21/08/2025 09:31

That must have been awful but I'm shocked at your SIL. Your niece witnessed all that and yet your SIL isn't there to reassure her own daughter.

She probably isnt in s place tp do that at tge moment!

Robin67 · 21/08/2025 10:55

How horribly tough for everyone. You sound like a really supportive sister and aunt. I am so glad that they have you. Wishing you all well

LifeOfAShowGirl · 21/08/2025 10:55

How absolutely awful for all of you.

I think a lot of people commenting to say that the brother in law should be left etc., have no idea how low you actually have to be to be at a point where you actively take an overdose in an attempt to end your life. Let alone two in two days.

OP, your sister’s world has just collapsed and she is lonely completely distraught. Her focus will be making sure her family is safe - they are.

I would offer to have your sister over if she wants, even if it’s just for a pizza and a wine when your niece is asleep. I’d concentrate on making sure your niece is okay, she knows her daddy is safe and getting better, and then just do what she wants. If she wants to colour, let her. If she wants to go out, take her out somewhere. Be led by her in a way. If she needs you to lie with her until she falls asleep, do it.

Just make sure she is comforted, and she knows she is safe and everyone else is safe. I’m sure in the weeks and months coming, there will be therapy and processing and the family unit will struggle, so establishing yourself as a safe space for your niece now will be invaluable.

cestlavielife · 21/08/2025 10:55

The child s gp maybe able to refer to psychological support for child (and for the sil)

You could call "young minds" for advice

If child asks to see dad then see if you can speak to the psych ward what they advise regarding visits and when might be appropriate

Meanwhile keep it simple - dad is unwell so you staying here a few days - is fine
And let her school teacher know when she goes back what has happened

NinaGeiger · 21/08/2025 10:53

I remember doing a bit of research for some friends - I work in mental health but with adults.
Our friend's sister-in-law actually died in an accident and had young kids and I was looking at info about supporting kids in this situation (so I appreciate it's not the exact same situation).

One thing I found interesting was it said the emotions can be quite brief and changeable for kids ie they might be really upset for a short period and later absolutely fine a few mins later.

I work with trauma in adults and I'd recommend giving her the space to express whatever she's feeling - asking about how she's feeling without leading or pushing so she can express it if she's feeling unsettled but if she's genuinely fine go with that.

Make sure you're looking after yourself as this is a lot.

I've had a few patients who had really difficult times at home but had a relative that sometimes looked after them who was really loving and helpful and that can make so much difference to the rest of their lives.

ShesTheAlbatross · 21/08/2025 10:45

Muffinmam · 21/08/2025 10:28

I agree.

My priority would be to my own child. I would also end the relationship. He took an overdose knowing he would be found and knowing his daughter would see him comatose. And be did all this right before her birthday.

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I think the OP’s priority needs to be her niece as her sister seems to be more concerned with her husband. The husband shouldn’t move back into the house. He isn’t a safe person to be around this child.

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It is simply not true that genuine suicide attempts take place outside the home (with the resulting implication that attempts within the home are not genuine). I know two people who came home to find a parent dead by suicide as teenagers, one of them was my cousin.
Its completely unhelpful to make such sweeping and incorrect statements.