TW - DBil suicide attempt on DN’s birthday - help please

It’s sad that mental illness is so misunderstood, I doubt anyone would be critical if he’d had a heart attack or similar on DN birthday.

I hope they can all get the support they need, but in the meantime I’m sure they’re very glad of your help and care.

Agree with this. Explaining that Daddy isn’t well, but the ambulance came and now he is in hospital and the doctors are helping him to get better, might be the way to allow her to talk if she wants to. People get scared of talking about suicide but explaining it to her as you would any other illness will be reassuring. Tell her that she can ask you or her Mummy anything if she is worrying. My husband’s dad attempted suicide twice when DH was 8, it was obviously a very stressful time but in a way I think it was a relief once he was in hospital and getting help, as his behaviour and mood in the run up had been very difficult.

Do you genuinely think that someone who is at the point of being so desperate that they feel they can’t go on are thinking clearly enough?

they often think their loved ones would have better lives if they were no longer here. Their judgement and thoughts are so clouded they can’t see any other option

Some people here are fucking awful

@metellaestinatrio

Please educate yourself more about mental illness.

Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain at times. The sufferer really cant think straight.

Your posts are really ignorant because I have seen first hand how desperately ill a person who attempts suicide is.

You clearly do not get it. Please read up before making more insensitive comments.

I do understand that, and the feeling that loved ones are better off without you, but that shows the suicidal person is thinking of their loved ones - so why don’t they also think “it would be hugely traumatic for my six year old to find my body on her birthday, even if I think she is better off without me, so I will do what I can to avoid that”?

Mental pain isn't like physical pain for a start. It's not like "Mum fights off a bear and loses an arm to save her baby". More like "my very existence is a problem to those I love and if I wasn't here then they'd be better"

It might well be that he thought he was protecting or preventing his child from suffering

Poor Niece. I hope she gets some therapy so she doesn’t always associate her birthday with this awful time.

OP I would imagine that after witnessing such a traumatic and terrifying scene your DN needs re-assurance that Mummy and Daddy are OK .Daddy is now on hospital and they are making him better.

If your DSis could manage a Facetime to show that she is OK and be factual about 'Daddy was very poorly but is getting better now' I think that would help. Even if your DN appears to be OK. Children of that age are able to act as they think they are expected whilst still being terrified inside.

I used to watch through the bannisters as my little brother was revived from terrible asthma attacks, and no one ever re-assured me. I just assumed my job was to keep quiet and not make a fuss. But I used to cry at night, and at school, worried that he would die, and when anyone asked me I would give other reasons for crying.

You don't consider things like who's going to find you, the affects of it after etc. I've had attempts in the past and my thought process was everything would be better if I wasn't here. It's a really dark mindset to be in.

When you are tipped to that point of desperation it is often triggered by something specific that becomes your every focus - I doubt he even realised. People have told me that it's like a fog and you can't think beyond the trigger.

Do you not understand that this is an illness, he likely wasn’t thinking rationally, and just wanted the pain to end?

But most parents would put themselves through huge amounts of pain so that their children don’t have to suffer? I understand the desperation to end things but surely you would try to avoid your small child finding your dead body on their birthday?

@Linenpickle

Tell us you dont understand mental illness without telling us you dont understand mental illness.

@Muffinmam

This is absolutely not true.

I found my cousin dead in her bed in her house.

My mother in law has struggled with mental illness for many years and spent much of my husband’s childhood in secure psychiatric units, or at home but unwell and suicidal.

The thing he says was hardest was that people would always say to him that if he ever needed to talk, they were there for him, but if he ever tried to talk about things, they would shy away from it, minimise or change the subject.

I’m so pleased that you’ve been able to be there for your DN. I would recommend that if she wants to talk, let her, even if it’s a scary or difficult conversation that you don’t have neat and tidy answers to.

@MounjaroMounjaro

That’s a bit unfair - her husband has tried to kill himself twice in 2 days! Her head must be all over the place.

She has done well to arrange a safe place for her daughter.

She must herself also be traumatised - finding a suicide / attempted suicide is no joke at all.

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

That is absolute and total rubbish.

There is someone - a husband and father - who is in such extreme mental pain that he has tried to kill himself. And you think that people who love him - a wife and daughter - should just walk away at what is probably the worst point of his life. And you think his daughter isn't safe? Would you say the same thing to a woman, or is it only men who you have such a hatred of that you can find not a shred of compassion for?

OP, I agree with others that talking about mum and dad, but "in passing" ways, gives your DN permission to talk if she wants. Maybe some of your activities with her could be used - for example "Daddy is ill so we could make him a get well card, would you like that?" It enables her to do and say whatever she wants, but puts no pressure on her.

But I also wouldn't worry about what you are doing too much - you are doing a wonderful thing and I am sure your sister is lucky to have such a loving and caring sibling.

My brothers suicide was unexpected. Nothing out of the ordinary had been going on. They were on holiday. Comments like this just cause guilt - not everyone who commits suicide displays signs that they are so desperate

I have no advice - my DN found my DB hanging and then 18 months later found her her mum dead from cancer (knew diagnosis but not exactly EOL).

im not sure of the long term impact but she’s definitely found counselling has helped her day to day

she was 10 and 11 when it happened

It's not just harsh, it's down right rude and cruel

DN is with family who love her and can look after her for a short term whilst things are sorted

DBil has an extreme mental illness. He won't have had rational thoughts about when he's killing himself or how damaging it would be to find him. Likely his brain told him they'd be glad to find he was gone and not a problem for them any more.

Presumably Dsis isn't as heartless as you and knows her DH is ill and needs support.

I don’t think it is really necessary to categorise people who try to commit suicide as selfish in order to recognise the point that children need stability & are damaged by fear, particularly when that is caused by the extreme behaviour of immediate care givers.

Children need to be kept away from fear & extreme behaviour: exposing a child to someone in the immediate family who is threatening (or trying) to kill themselves - particularly when this is repeated behaviour - can have very damaging long term effects. The selfishness or otherwise of the parent is irrelevant to the damage done to the child.

This is in any event my experience, & I feel very sorry for the child involved. I hope professional advice is taken on how best to deal with her exposure to this distressing event, & on what shape the family should take in order to best protect her.

Sometimes children are seen as resilient little plants, silent observers of their more eloquent parents’ dramas & mental health crises. This is not a good thing. They should be the priority.

It’s horrible. People saying that the relationship must be over. But if the mum was the one who had made an attempt, everyone would be horrified if he wasn’t by her side.

Sorry this is harsh but your sister needs to get her priorities in order, ie put your dn first. It’s her birthday and she just seen her selfish father try and kill himself at home knowing full well his dd will see him. Sorry, but that relationship would be dead to me.

I agree.