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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL, advice/help/AIBU about my DC.

34 replies

Talkingthingsthrough · 20/08/2025 14:30

Hi, not a regular poster, hope I’m in the right place. Sorry it is a long one…if you manage to read through, thank you.

I have been with my DH 10 years, we had our DD in 2022, a matter of weeks after she was born my relationship with my MIL became awful, she expected time with my DD constantly, she never turned up at our door luckily but if she hadn’t seen her (or I hadn’t sent any pictures in the family whatssap group) in a day or 2, her attitude towards me became cold.

To give a bit of context, we’ve always been close, before I had my DD and during pregnancy she was great, I was looking forward to her being around for me and DD.
During my pregnancy MIL health was getting worse and she ended up needing a back operation, whilst working out what medication worked best for her she had spells of forgetfulness, confusion and losing balance (this still occasionally happens) which made me worry as she was going to be caring for my DD whilst I worked (I had other support from my family also) however never told her about my worries as didn’t want to upset her and instead just limited her time with DD alone(she would usually have her mother around so was not really fully alone a lot)

When DD was around 6 weeks old I got mastitis, it was the same time as my BIL (MILS youngest son) birthday, I of course couldn’t make it I was bed bound, my DM was around my house taking care of DD and letting me sleep whilst antibiotics kicked in and my DH worked. My MIL was noticeably annoyed with me that my DM was looking after DD and I hadn’t asked her. Even more annoyed that I didn’t go to the birthday meal for my BIL. She has a good way of letting you know she is annoyed with you such as ignoring messages or one word answers etc posting sly things on social media without saying things outright, this kind of behaviour would trigger my anxiety.

There were a lot more episodes of this kind of thing via messages but the worst thing was is that MIL was clearly talking to family members about how she was feeling, she is very manipulative when needed, I’ve witnessed this over the years… she can turn on any family member at any time if they go against her.
And so, whenever I did go to see her with my DD (I made sure to go with DD on my own after her op so she never missed time with her, she would treat me nicely then and that would be it) she would make sure she got to hold DD which was of course is fine I had no issues as long as I got her back when she needed to breastfeed, MIL would sit with her back to me so I couldn’t see DD, she would leave the room with her even if she was upset and never ever passed her back to me I would have to ask for her back or ask my DH to get her for me, around this time I felt completely isolated and the family clearly felt sorry for MIL who was desperately needing time with DD despite my needs as a brand new first time mam needing my newborn close, this behaviour started from DD being 8 days old.

She also oversteps boundaries often and does things without asking such as sending a letter from Santa last Christmas to our home (things she knows I planned to do that mothers usually want to do for their children.)

I was always told “just eat your dinner/tea, relax and I’ll take care of DD, just sit back this is your time” I didn’t want free time I wanted my newborn baby… Everytime I went over this kind of situation occurred, it triggered me and my protective instincts came out in the end I hated MIL holding DD it would make me feel anxious and sick not knowing when I could have her back. Family members would get my DD then quickly pass her over to MIL and I would be too scared to ask for her back.

And now, even though since DD was 1 year old MIL has had her every Wednesday morning, Thursday evenings she comes over our house to do bath and bed routine and every Sunday we are around her from 1:30-6:30pm, as well as sometimes seeing her more often than this, I still sometimes feel bothered when she has DD as I never know what mood she is in and if she will text me with updates at all, I don’t expect much maybe 1 picture or a text with how she’s been. I don’t let DD sleep out often as I don’t like to be away from her too long on my days off but when she has slept there in the past there’s been communication issues where MIL “forgets her phone” or something of this sort.

Eventually things came to a head when DD was coming up to her 1st birthday and we had a conversation at my home with my DH and FIL present, initially she denied things and played victim(she regularly does this with her own DCs) however after seeing how visibly upset I was and me pointing out clear facts as to how she has behaved and knowing it was coming between me and DH, DH did stand up for me completely but I don’t think he realised until this point how badly she was affecting me and my mental health. MIL did end up tearful and apologised, hugged me and promised she’d never make me feel like that again.

I have really worked on things and I feel we are back in a really good place, she has a great relationship with DD and can be supportive of me too, I realise though that whenever I decline a visit or I make other plans things can go sour for a little bit. I generally though enjoy spending time with her and feel happy with how things are, I have had to put the past in the past, I am a naturally forgiving easygoing person but this really pushed me to my limits.

My issue is I am now pregnant with DC2 and am dreading this behaviour restarting. I am hoping to find a way to not feel so anxious and to lean into MIL for support without feeling anxious that she is going to turn into what she did last time, I can’t have another maternity leave like last time it did ruin a lot of memories for me as I was constantly on edge and feeling sick with anxiety about seeing her and essentially having to “give my baby up” until it suited her. I know she’ll have DD to give attention to also so this may help things.
MIL has said to me recently she can’t wait for us to have another LO and this time she promises they “won’t be as OTT as last time”…. She is already excited about this pregnancy and has already asked me about my birthing plans and tried to pressure me into a home birth etc and I just feel she is very full on considering it is so early on.
I feel like I have some sort of PTSD about it all and am already imagining scenarios of when I have my 2nd child and it is draining me!

Sorry this is so long, I just want some advice or to know if anyone else has gone through this, am I being unreasonable with my feelings about this? I don’t want a 2nd maternity leave ruined feeling sick with anxiety about her behaviour, any tips on how I can focus my attention elsewhere if this does occur again would be great.
We are getting along fab but I never know when her mood will take a turn if I decide to have more time at home after DC2 is born this time around and she feels pushed out or whatever….

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 20/08/2025 17:37

Why are you scared of her?

What do you think is going to happen if you hold your arms out and say "baby is coming back to mummy now"?

Original poster
Talkingthingsthrough · 20/08/2025 17:34

@arcticpandas
thank you for your sympathy, you’re lucky to have a MIL like that, I almost feel
guilty for my post because like I said myself and MIL can and do get on great especially if it is just general chat or whatever, she praises me as a mother, gives advice, offers support and you’d never think we had problems before, however I know that is because I keep her sweet with all the time she gets with DD and I barely cancel on her, she is more likely to cancel on me.
I think I am just in total panic over the new baby coming along and her going back to the expectation of being around even more than she is, taking the kids to “give me a break” that I never needed and just acting like when she is around that she is entitled to hold the baby for hours until we go home or they leave… she used to huff if I decided to leave earlier on a Sunday and it was just relentless.

OP posts:
Original poster
Talkingthingsthrough · 20/08/2025 17:28

@Campingisnexttogodliness
that is one of the first things I said to her when we had this huge conversation about our problems, I said she sees DD more than any other family member (bare in mind I am very close to my own DM and have siblings and other relatives I am close to) so to lower her expectations of me.
I wish I could do the whole change number thing but honestly I think that would make things a whole lot worse for me, she also lives very close to me and looks after DD one morning a week so I would need communication at this time from her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Talkingthingsthrough · 20/08/2025 17:25

@Starlight7080
you’re right it can be draining at times I wish I didn’t have a schedule as such, but here we are!
My DH has always had a problem standing up to his DM, however I must say that since things came to a head he is definitely a lot better, long may it continue…
I’m keen to know how you learned to stand up for yourself and how that went initially? I feel scared at the thought although I will do this if I need to this time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Talkingthingsthrough · 20/08/2025 17:21

@potoftea
thank you for your advice I’m going to remind myself of this, it is a relief to hear from someone who is a grandparent themselves that her behaviour isn’t right.

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 20/08/2025 15:11

I feel so sorry for you. Unfortunately you will have to "teach" your Mil that the more she is unreasonable with you the less you will want to see her and therefore the less she gets to see dgc.
My Mil is lovely, like the first poster who responded. She has been like a mother for me caring as much for me as for my children (my mum is dead). She's a godsend and my sons love her and have a really strong bond with her which is beautiful.

Don't feel guilty for going lc with her, you need to protect yourself in order to be strong for your children. Talk to your DH about setting up boundaries so that you have a united front.

Campingisnexttogodliness · 20/08/2025 14:57

New phone number and she doesn't get to have it. Let her give off steam/moan /bitch to dh. He needs to be your gatekeeper imo.
My ils never had my mobile number and wow it made for a much less stressful life.. Your mil is nuts BTW. She sees you all waaaay more than you should be accepting of.

Starlight7080 · 20/08/2025 14:53

You have a dh problem. He needs to understand they are your children. Not his mums. He needs to speak to her and put firm boundaries in. He needs to tell her to stop playing games.
He needs to realise that longterm this will be bad for your relationship and your children
I had the same with my mil. First child I didnt know how to stand my ground . But I soon learned.

I didnt let my children stay with them or be unsupervised. But thats due to several probelms they had that meant it was not safe too.
Having such a strick routine with her weekly sounds awful.

potoftea · 20/08/2025 14:43

Before becoming a grandmother i would probably have given you a different answer....maybe advising to set boundaries and communicate well.
But since becoming a grandmother, I have absolutely no patience for people like you MIL.
The number one thing that's in your children's best interests is that their main caregiver feels strong, supported, mentally well. And that the parents relationship is good.
That's the most important thing. So anyone who sabotages any of that, isn't acting in the child's best interests.
A grandparents role is important, and can be a wonderful addition to a child's life.
But anything that causes distress to the child's parents, is too big a price to pay.

So I guess I'm saying, put yourself first, stop trying to pacify this woman. And recognise that she's putting her own needs ahead of her grandchildren.

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