You cio or your child wakes up forever

My parents tell me they left me to cry in the early 80s as I "sounded cross not sad"... I've had trouble going to sleep since late primary school. As an adult I listen to sleep apps and find it difficult to sleep alone. I don't think going to sleep is a skill that can always just be learnt as a small child by being left alone.

We tried controlled crying with our first but it really seemed to spark his anxiety which he still struggles with, even as an adult. We cuddled the others to sleep as a result.

What if they keep getting up and following you if you leave the room?

For me, i couldn't bear to hear my child cry. It was like a primal thing, i just could not cope with it

He was a super high needs baby (reflux, allergies, eczema) who woke every hour until 18 months

He needed to nurse to settle, otherwise he'd cry until he vomited

I co slept and fed to sleep until 2.5, and fed when he woke up (very short feeds every few hour)

At 2.5 he was old enough to understand " No milk until morning" and he'd accept a cuddle at night time wake ups

Shortly after, he started to sleep through

Once i stopped nursing, at night, getting him to sleep initially, I'd lie there for a little bit and then say I needed a cuppa or quick wee and leave for a bit. He'd often just fall asleep then.

This naturally evolved to him falling asleep listening to a read-aloud story

So, no CIO, no specific plan, it just happened

Maybe not the best method, but what worked for us and what I felt he needed

Neither me nor anyone in my circle has ever done CIO or sleep training. All our school aged children now happily sleep on their own. DD went from cosleeping to needing us to get to sleep and coming into our bed when she woke to needing us to get to sleep at first but not needing us if she woke up in the night to being able to sleep independently with a guided meditation app on, and now sometimes falls asleep without the app.

Sleep is natural, you can't train it. You can only train them not to call for you when they need you.

OP's 6 yo will just take longer to get there due to the SEN.

I co-slept with all my DC.
Around 3yrs old I moved them to their own room. They would usually fall asleep in their own bed then climb out the cot and be back in my bed, usually before midnight.
What permanently made them stay in their bed was a bit more time and stone cold bribery.
I got a star chart and a gro-clock which I set to 2am (to shift colour from blue to yellow without the sound alarm of course). If DC managed to stay in their own bed for 5 consecutive nights until the yellow light came on (sticker on a calendar chart for each night) I would take them to their favourite charity shop to pick a toy from the £1 toy box they had.
Obviously, the time on the gro clock got amended every so often. I can't remember how long it took but it didn't take long and I remember it as a nice time for the kids and me.

Just to add, when he started in his own bed at three, my rule was as long as he falls asleep in his bed I don’t mind if he comes in to me in the night and sleeps the rest of the night with me. He naturally stopped that. For about a year until he was 4, I would lie on the floor next to his bed until he fell asleep and then quietly move out of his room. I was separated from his dad at that point and I remember his dad saying “ooh do you know we don’t need to lie by his bed anymore? You can just say goodnight and leave him?”
I didn’t believe him but tried it anyway. First time it worked and it made me laugh because I obviously spent much longer than necessary lying on his bedroom floor waiting for him to go to sleep. I often imagine him lying there and thinking “well I don’t know why you’re lying down there mummy but if it makes you happy I guess” 😂😂

Probably doesn’t help you OP but in case anyone else reads this and believes in the ‘rod for your own back’ stuff - I did all the ‘wrong’ things with DS - co-slept until he was three, breastfed him to sleep at night and during the night sometimes etc. he is nearly 8 and has been an excellent sleeper since quite young. He’s off to sleep immediately every night and unless he is ill, I don’t hear a peep out of him until the morning.

I personally think you either get a bad sleeper or you don’t. I don’t think it’s caused by anything in particular. But do what you need to do to get some sleep. Parenting is hard enough as it is without doing it through the fog of sleep deprivation

I co slept with all of mine I til they naturally went into their own beds. They were all sleeping through at around 2, 2 and a half years old, and when we co slept and they woke for a feed, I'd just get my boob out and fall back asleep. Worked brilliantly for us.

I sleep trained my first after starting to hallucinate (was found trying to BF a pillow at one point). I didn't have a choice as my MH was on the floor and I was categorically unsafe to be around a young child. It took 3 nights (well, 90 mins, then 45 mins then 10) and after that my DS would wave me goodnight from his cot, then thumb in and sleep. I trained my next two also and do not regret it.
You have to do what works for you and your child.

You ignore our weird British culture, accept that a baby/toddler/little kid wants his/her mum and stick a toddler bed in your bedroom until they are happy, secure and want to go in their own room. Take bedside table/other furniture out if needed. My kids are adults, this is what I did.

DD2 is 11 months and if I try and bedshare, she thinks it's party time and completely wakes up. Bed sharing with my first one worked perfectly! I'm in and out of her room a lot.... (EBF)

Both of mine (DS5 DD2) are good sleepers but early risers... We did the gradual retreat method at between 9 and 12 months. In neither case did it involve leaving them to cry alone for long periods without reassurance.

I agree with @Dontlletmedownbruce above that independent sleep is something that can and should be taught. We had a great sleep trainer who encouraged us to go through "sleep rules" with the kids, which felt a bit silly at 9 months but which we still say to them because it sets expectations for what we know that can do at bedtime i.e. they can and will get themselves to sleep and - unless they need us - stay in bed until morning, and that its always the same and we'll always be there in the morning. I know not all ASD kids are the same but I think this has really helped my DS who has ASD because it reinforces routine and rules.

I never did cio. Dd1 stopped coming in at 2.5 and happy to go to sleep after a book, dd2 was a trickier customer - book, audio book but getting up by midnight and climbing into our bed but around 6 it started to reduce and by 7 stopped completely

This was definitely the case for me, I remember being awake a lot at night, feeling scared and there is no way I would have dared go in my parents room. I knew my mum would be cross. So I have chosen not to do that to my child!

There are absolutely no good options when your child is not a sleeper, not too mention the internet is full of advice which might work with some kids but just makes you feel worse.
In the end you have to balance your child's and your needs and perhaps bite the bullet if you can.
My starting point was holding to sleep but he was too big, then went for a slightly gentler but still brutal method of putting him on a mattress on the floor and cuddling but not letting him get on me. Then the latter stage was popping out for literally 5 seconds repeatedly until he was asleep.
Etc etc. Also plenty of books for him to look at, although that was mostly later.
But you have to take your own route, what works for you and what works for your child.
Good luck

Try to see it that your child deserves better than an exhausted stressed out mother. My DS was a terrible sleeper, couldn't self soothe and would either be awake or collapse with exhaustion, no inbetween. He was later diagnosed with ASD and ADHD which was no surprise. Our bed time routine got longer had more ridiculous until we decided controlled crying at about 15 months. It was hell, we would come to the door and leave again or sit silently ignoring him. Many different techniques were used. All worked eventually until the next phase, for example we mastered bed time, but middle of nights wakings got worse, we mastered that then it was 4am starts. Truthfully it took until 3.5 for him to sleep well. My other two went through bad phases and all of these approaches worked when applied properly, they do work on NT children. Jusf keep trying different things, they need to be scheduled and committed to for a few weeks. Remember a child who cannot self soothe is being set up to be dependent and cope badly with life, the more you work at this the better off they will be so be strong. It's not easy.

I have never used CIO tactics, I don't think small children are evolved to be left alone crying. I tend to them in the night and cuddle / feed back to sleep.

My 7yr old and 2yr old both now sleep throughas they just gradually stopped night time wakes. On the odd occasion they wake up or are ill, they know they can appear in my room at any time and me or their dad will be there to help.

DD recently came home from a playdate and told me aghast that her friend isn't allowed in parents bedroom and "she has nightmares but she just cries quietly. She says her mum never comes even when she was tiny". So yeah, I think people just teach their kids to not bother them in the night, rather than teaching them to sleep.

Exactly this.

2 ND children here (9 and 7), both shit sleepers in different ways, we have a 'family floor bed' in their room. They have their own bunk beds but we have a large mattress on the floor where we all end up at different points. Eldest is slowly going for more of their own space/bed. Youngest would crawl back into the womb if I allowed it 😂

Find a way that gets the most sleep for all. Co sleeping and family beds are more common than people think!

I fed DD6 to sleep until she was old enough to have a conversation and say yes, I'd like to try going to sleep in my bed. That's when she was 3! She was sleeping through the night from 1 year old though and that's despite feeding her back to sleep at every wake up and lifting her into the cot. Now she can sort herself out if she wakes in the night but I still sing her to sleep at bedtime. It's no trouble. I have a baby as well who is fed to sleep, I do him first and then her.

I think it's so dependent on the temperament of the child too. Mine absolutely would not settle without feeding to sleep until she was at least a year old, so we fed to sleep, put her in the cot to sleep until her first wake and then co-slept for the rest of the night so that everyone got maximum sleep. The length of time of that first sleep gradually increased by itself, but I did decide to try some gentle sleep training at 18 months as I wanted to brush her teeth after breastfeeding!

Pick up / put down worked well for us to start her getting used to the cot. I'd cuddle/rock until she was settled, then put in the cot and pat her back, then pick her up as soon as she started crying, settle her and put her back down again. The first night did take nearly 2 hours (but very little crying as I always picked her up quickly), but the next night was about 45 mins, then 20-30 mins after that.

Since about 21 months her understanding was so much better so we had a bedtime routine of feed, teeth, book and a song, then she went in the cot, I stayed for a bit then left for a minute to go to the toilet / feed the car / tidy up etc and came back as promised. After a few weeks I could say goodnight and would only come back if she called (about 1-2 nights a week).

Ultimately though, it's what works for your child and the family, which will change depending on the age/development

They will go to their own rooms when they feel confident. Mine all left my (superking!) bed at. 4/5. I only ever had one child in at a time though, due to age gaps!

I started earlier than 2 with mine but what I did was:
Have a bedtime routine
Didn't feed to sleep
Had comfort objects the child could have themselves eg dummies, teddies, blankets
Cuddled or rocked to sleep and then gradually 'helped' less - eg they needed vigorous rocking as young babies, then cuddling, then patting in the cot, then just a hand on the back, then just put in the cot and they went to sleep themselves
Night weaned from around 9 months

I have 2 children and they are different. DS10 went to his room at 2.5 y and never came back. DS5 is a mummy boy and still keeps coming to our room every night for a cuddle. Eventually they will grow up and you will miss them.