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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make my adult son’s lunchbox?

166 replies

wheretoyougonow · 20/08/2025 11:37

Normally I wouldn’t be doing this for him but just interested to know if you think I’m BU by doing this in these circumstances. I am going to bullet point my reasons for ease of reading.

~ I’m disabled and can not contribute to the household as I used to. On my son's days off he is very good at helping with housework/cooking.
~ My son has lived away at uni so I know he can be independent. He doesn’t expect this as standard but is grateful.
~ He is working 12 hour shifts and is on his feet all day. He comes home and wakes up shattered.

I suppose it makes me think I’m doing something nice for him as he does so much for me but am I mothering him
too much?

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 20/08/2025 14:15

He doesn’t sound entitled so why doubt yourself because you’re doing something nice? Is it because some MNers have their kids cooking the family meals at five?

SunnyD4ys · 20/08/2025 14:13

Louiestopit · 20/08/2025 14:06

She said wouldn't happen for a daughter, and daughter wouldn’t accept it, but then edited the post.

Edited
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By she do you mean the OP or a different poster, you haven't quoted so I assume you mean the OP, where does it say anything about a daughter?

starsintheirears · 20/08/2025 14:10

Louiestopit · 20/08/2025 14:06

She said wouldn't happen for a daughter, and daughter wouldn’t accept it, but then edited the post.

Edited
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If my beloved mum (RIP) had made me a packed lunch there's no way on earth I would have "not accepted it"- what a nasty thing to do when someone is doing something kind for you.

WTF is wrong with some people?

Louiestopit · 20/08/2025 14:06

SunnyD4ys · 20/08/2025 14:02

What if it was her daughter?

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She said wouldn't happen for a daughter, and daughter wouldn’t accept it, but then edited the post.

Jok77 · 20/08/2025 14:03

My husband is 53 and I make his packed lunch! My mum made my packed lunch until I left home at 30! If it makes you, and him, happy then go for it.

SunnyD4ys · 20/08/2025 14:02

FridayFeelingmidweek · 20/08/2025 13:48

Yes, that's unreasonable. Not a great message for an adult male.

Why not do something else that doesn't reinforce the message that men need to be babied - perhaps pay for a meal out/cinema together once a month.

Edited

What if it was her daughter?

ACynicalDad · 20/08/2025 13:51

If you were doing it as he was an incompetent man child that would be bad, but actually as it, sounds lovely.

Louiestopit · 20/08/2025 13:50

FridayFeelingmidweek · 20/08/2025 13:48

Yes, that's unreasonable. Not a great message for an adult male.

Why not do something else that doesn't reinforce the message that men need to be babied - perhaps pay for a meal out/cinema together once a month.

Edited

I don’t have a mum, but when my MIL lived with us for a bit when her house was being renovated and I was working, she used to make me a packed lunch. I was 37 at the time, I fully accepted it and bloody loved it.

Endofyear · 20/08/2025 13:50

I have 5 adult sons and when they come round, I make them some brekkie or a sandwich, I enjoy being able to 'mum' them a little bit still. If I had daughters I would be the same. I see nothing wrong with you making him a packed lunch, it's showing him a little bit of love and it sounds like he's a lovely son so why not!

FridayFeelingmidweek · 20/08/2025 13:48

Yes, that's unreasonable. Not a great message for an adult male.

Why not do something else that doesn't reinforce the message that men need to be babied - perhaps pay for a meal out/cinema together once a month.

Original poster
wheretoyougonow · 20/08/2025 13:47

Thank you for all your kind comments. It’s been a tough time and it helps to hear your own thoughts/stories.
Really thinking about it my own mum sometimes pops round to drop off the odd dinner for us so I suppose the caring of your family never ends 😂
I’m trying to ignore the very negative response by a poster but to state clearly I live with 3 men and I normally do about 10% of the housework as I am physically unable. Not all men are incapable.

I just wanted to get some perspective so thanks for all the responses and the reassurance.

OP posts:
Derbee · 20/08/2025 13:47

I think it’s absolutely fine. 2 adults living together and sharing jobs is totally normal. He appreciates it, you don’t mind doing it. He does other jobs that you can’t do.

In our household, I do all the laundry because I don’t mind it at all and my DP finds it a chore. I know some would be horrified and think it’s archaic and sexist. I don’t do anything in the garden as I hate it, so he does it all. He makes my lunches, as he doesn’t find it a chore. I walk the dog most of the time.

Life is about balance, and if you can share jobs in a way that suits you all, who is anyone to judge?

RedRoss86 · 20/08/2025 13:43

Very nice of you OP 😌

Manova14 · 20/08/2025 13:39

Sounds like a nice thing to do

EchoedSilence · 20/08/2025 13:39

MissFancyDay · 20/08/2025 13:30

This thread has brought up a lot of feelings for me, deeper ones than the opening post warranted probably. Feellings about the enjoyment I get from mothering my adult children when I see them and how much I obviously miss doing that. I expect it would be different if they still lived with me.

I am sorry that @ThisAquaWriter felt they had to leave. I think that if the post had been about washing the sons smalls there would have been more agreement. Packed lunches are special.

I would think ThisAquaWriter was escorted off the premises.

LBFseBrom · 20/08/2025 13:38

Absolutely nothing wrong in you doing that, it's nice.

Louiestopit · 20/08/2025 13:35

nomas · 20/08/2025 13:30

No one is going to turn pale, let alone white-haired, at the mention of a stranger's job! Wink

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You know what I mean. But they are both doing things that are quite dangerous, one where his life was in danger constantly, that most parents would not want their children to do and would lose sleep over.

MissFancyDay · 20/08/2025 13:30

This thread has brought up a lot of feelings for me, deeper ones than the opening post warranted probably. Feellings about the enjoyment I get from mothering my adult children when I see them and how much I obviously miss doing that. I expect it would be different if they still lived with me.

I am sorry that @ThisAquaWriter felt they had to leave. I think that if the post had been about washing the sons smalls there would have been more agreement. Packed lunches are special.

nomas · 20/08/2025 13:30

Louiestopit · 20/08/2025 13:19

Yup.

I’ve taken that approach to everything with my children. I’ve been told so many times over the past 23 years how my children will never learn to be independent because I am/was always there, the things I have done for them.

Well, if I told you what my two eldest have done/are doing in life for jobs, your hair would turn white. That “mollycoddling” as I have been told it was, has created two people, so far, who are extremely confident and independent, and who have gone out into the word and done things that most people wouldn’t have the guts to do. I WISH they were less independent and confident at times, I wouldn’t be a ball of anxiety.

I am very glad my 23 year old is currently at home to make a packed lunch for at the moment to be honest.

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No one is going to turn pale, let alone white-haired, at the mention of a stranger's job! Wink

ManchesterLu · 20/08/2025 13:28

I think when you're living with someone, whoever it is, it's nice to do things for them if you can. I understand that perhaps you can't do as much as you used to, and this is your contribution - that's great, and I'm certain he appreciates it, and knows his lunch is made with love :).

user1471538283 · 20/08/2025 13:28

This is so lovely, you are helping each other. I've made my DS's lunch before because he's always so pleased.

Whenever my DF made me anything I always felt extra loved.

murasaki · 20/08/2025 13:28

cannyvalley · 20/08/2025 13:26

🤣

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I think it's fair as I outsource the rest to the roomba I paid for.....

nomas · 20/08/2025 13:27

On my son's days off he is very good at helping with housework/cooking.

~ He is working 12 hour shifts and is on his feet all day. He comes home and wakes up shattered.

What does 'very good at helping' mean? Does he just take out the bins and make toast sometimes or does he vacuum floors/scrub bathroom and cook from scratch?

Does he contribute financially?

cannyvalley · 20/08/2025 13:26

murasaki · 20/08/2025 13:24

That is a shit job. So DP does it. 🤣

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🤣

cannyvalley · 20/08/2025 13:25

I personally love coddling my adult son, and he really appreciates what I do for him.

he coddles me too on occasion, like starting my coffee in the mornings if he is up first, making my lunch alongside his own if I’m working from home and lots of other nice little caring acts.

I love that I have modelled this kind of caring, community minded approach to life, and he has grown up to be a very well rounded and well liked young man.