On holiday and so bored of seeing DS on his phone

I loathe TikTok and wouldn't want it installed in the first place.

That said, what actually do you want him to do, especially while you're having your own downtime? He's a 14 year old, clearly having a lovely holiday of course, but one without access to similarly aged peers. Nothing wrong with having an only child and going away without being able to afford a friend too, but it does mean you're going to have to be ok with ways for him to get socialisation with other teens. Reading isn't going to do that.

Honestly- if he’s getting up and engaging in all of the activities and still spending quality time with you, even if it’s just playing cards after dinner etc, then I really cannot see the harm of him going on his phone during his spare time.

When you've done all these activities, has he been fully engaged or spent the time on his phone? I understand how annoying it is, but honestly if he's otherwise participated in family activities, I'd let him unwind. It's what teenagers do these days, sadly. But as long as there's balance, I think you'll find it more relaxing to accept it and stop battling.

We do screen time limits. 2 hours a day. If DD needs more time (eg because she’s chatting with friends) then we authorise it. We also regularly check how much time she’s spending on different apps so that the whole 2 hours isn’t just spent on TikTok!
I think screen time limits are the only effective thing for us & work well.

I agree with the other posters. We had a holiday in Europe with 14/16/18 year olds. They spent more time I would have like watching brainless American sitcoms on a laptop in their room, but also did join in with activities and outings. It’s part of being a teenager. They all dropped off reading in teenage years but are now, in late 20s+ avid readers again if that is any consolation! Parenting teenagers is all about watching, some necessary boundaries, but also allowing them a chance to explore life and work things out for themselves. The difficulty is in working out which boundaries are necessary and what is over protective/interfering parenting. Not easy.

I don’t see the problem. He’s participating in family time, games, dinner and activities without his phone. In his downtime why can’t he do something he wants to do? If he hasn’t got a friend with him and there’s not other teens he’s made friends with where you are then he’s going to want some interaction. Sounds like he’s just enjoying his holiday.

Please don’t feel bad about having an only child on holiday. When I was 14 and my brother was 17 he refused to come on holiday with us anymore. When we were younger, he would make a friend on holiday and I would be left to make my own friends. Having a sibling does not guarantee they will hang out together. It was the same for my partner.

Regardless, I have the best memories of holidays when I was younger so please don’t worry about it.

I’m 60 and was an only child, and I spent any downtime on holiday reading to the point where my father would get angry about it. I clearly remember at about your son’s age how resentful I felt that he wouldn’t just let me do what I wanted to do in my own free time, when I wasn’t hurting anyone. At that age, they are beginning to detach from parents and find out who they are. As an only child, being with your parents on holiday is quite intense even if you get on with them well, because you’re outnumbered by older people who think they know better than you and are interested in different things. I found refuge from this in books, but it sounds to me like your son is just using TikTok to unwind and stay in touch with his own life, the part of it that you quite naturally don’t and shouldn’t share, as you won’t be interested in the same mindless crap that he will be. I know perfectly well that phone addiction is a huge issue, but in this specific context I wouldn’t worry. It’s his holiday too, as others have said. If he can’t put the phone down when he’s back at school, that’s a different issue. I think people who weren’t only children are often quite patronising about it, as if it’s something to be pitied, which I never felt myself as a child, but it is obviously difficult from having siblings. When my own children were small it took me a long time to get used to how much time they spent in pointless arguments or very silly conversations, because I’d never experienced that. Your son will be spending some of his time in ways he’s choosing because he’s on his own, rather than ways he’s negotiating with a sibling. That’s not sad in my view, just different, and it does leave you with more free time to fill alone (and the skills to cope on your own).

I have a son the same age. You really need to let this go. If he’s been doing the activities and joining in with things then let him spend his downtime how he likes.

It’s his holiday too and his using his non activity time to chill and relax how he wants.

What would you rather he do? Watch tv? Well his watching mini clips, read a book? His reading stuff on his phone.

Or is he meant to be using all his down time to talk about the activities with you?

We are not long back off holiday, we did lots of activities and the teens at times did lots of doom scrolling. But that was their version of sitting back and chilling at the end of the day. They were not about to get a crossword out let’s face it. We still managed a few nights of uno and chess.

Tbf if I’m not “doing” something I quite often scroll - but I also read and watch tv.

Its good if it’s being used for downtime only.

Id be more concerned if he was walking around cultural places with his head in the screen!

There was a talk at school about near universal dropping of reading for phones at this age. It’s a Thing. So not just you. Ours keen readers had similar but back to reading again as late teens.

I have two DSs aged 15 and 13. We just got back from two weeks doing a very active holiday that everyone helped to plan and choose.

They spent a lot of time on their phones. I found it mildly irritating, but just let them get on with it. I spent time on my phone too! Neither of them have tiktok (they have never asked for it or showed any interest), but the 13 yr old enjoys watching nonsense on YouTube, which I assume is similar.

We also ate out, played card games etc. As long as they were happily engaged in the main activities of the holiday then I let then relax on their phones in the car/during down times.

Oh just let him be, it’s his holiday too.

He is doing the day time activities with you, 14 is a difficult transitional age, too old to be enjoying things like a young DC and too young to be allowed to do anything alone. DS spent a lot of his time on the computer and phone at that age and he has grown at 19 to have an active social life, play in his uni rugby team and is basically pretty well rounded. It’s hard as an only DC as well - I was one and so is DS.

Yes, Tik Tok is moronic, and I’m glad DS17 has no interest in it. But mine still has the phone glued to his hand when not doing activities or eating or sleeping …

My rules are no phones at the table, and not missing activities or trips - but on his downtime he can have his phone. Mine stopped reading for pleasure at 12 which saddens me. But he got a 9 in Eng Lit last year so I can’t pull the ‘it will damage your education’ card …

Let him switch off. It seems that you've kept him quite busy otherwise. Teens need a LOT of downtime, scrolling is his. Let him do it on his holiday. If it was overriding obligations then there would be a problem, but if it's not, just let him. If you're worried he's bored, give him options... But if he doesn't take them, it's because he needs the mindless downtime.

I would read for hours and hours on holiday with my parents as a teen. I'd spend whole days with a book in the room or by the pool if my parents made me get out of the room. My parents saw it as good on the whole because it was reading books, but I don't feel it's any different to what your son is doing really. I was switching off in between the times my parents would drag me here, there and everywhere. My nose stuck in a book is not much different to your son's nose in a phone.

You're with your partner.
He's by himself effectively in that sense.

It sounds as if hes doing all your planned activities and just using his 'phone for his downtime. I cant see the issue as long as whatever he's enjoying isn't problematic in any other way.

Its different being on your phone for an hour than for hours.

We have a limited screen time on holidays (it used to be none until they were about 15). Even non reading DS1 has read two books this holiday. No way would this have happened without encouragement and limits.

It's not pointless, or mean. I've obviously hit a nerve if you you think this. You're projecting.

You teenager is engaging in all your family activities that you want him to.

What would you rather he be doing whilst you're on Mumsnet? He's on his holidays. He needs downtime. He will be studying hard for his GCSEs soon.

Yes, it's hours because he doesn't have anyone his own age to hang out with. I'm sure he's having fun with you doing the activities but no teenage boy wants to hang out with parents 24/7 for a whole week! Him going on his phone talking to his mates and doom scrolling tiktok is just normal teenage behaviour. If he had someone his own age to hang out with in the afternoons or evenings, he'd probably be on his phone a lot less.

As a PP said, what do you think he should be doing instead? And what are you and the rest of the party doing at those times?