On holiday and so bored of seeing DS on his phone

I made my son get rid of tik tok. He downloaded it without asking first.

He had it two weeks and in that time he had spent 48 hours on the app , scrolling.
When I looked over the things offered up to scroll through it was awful borderline sexualised content and other things that I did not feel comfortable my son viewing.

It's clearly addictive and there are studies out there that find a direct link between using tiktok and poor mental health.

I said he can use YouTube and he still has WhatsApp, he can game on the PlayStation because at least he's using his brain.

I'm his parent and I will protect him as long as I can.
You're allowed to say your son can't have these apps because you are in charge - if you think it will be too much to just take it away then at least set a time limit.

I wouldn’t push reading of actual books too hard. I remember being forced to read books and it killed any enjoyment of them. I didn’t pick up a book for pleasure till I was over 25 after being forced so much as a child.

I have one who hates books and two who will regularly ask for a new book they have heard of and willingly pack ones to take away.

@Electrotrinco Many of these responses come from parents who are also very attached to their phones. They propably believe that if they allow their children to do the same, it won’t be harmful.

But research suggests otherwise; there are plenty of scientific papers online showing the negative effects. It might be worth looking into that before dismissing my response as 'too much' or you "loosen up."

Trust me, I feel your pain. I’m an avid reader and I can lose hours in a book and they bring me pure joy. DD abhors it. She’ll do it if I make her, but that defeats the purpose of reading for pleasure /enjoying it.

Nothing wrong with feeling sad, speaking as a tik tok refuser.

But another difference between you and DS at present is that you have access to peer group socialising on holiday, since you mention adults in the plural. He doesn't. Worth reflecting on how that might influence your respective positions.

Unclutch your pearls and breathe.

He's not sat smoking crack.

Also , what are YOU doing when he’s on his phone? You wouldn’t happen to be on a device as well (at least sometimes), would you?

I set limits on my 14 yo’s phone. Limits for TikTok, Snapchat, YouTube etc and then an overall limit. It’s massively annoying!

My daughter is a bit older and it's more gaming with her friends on her phone, which I don't mind in theory but when I look at her like a zombie her face lit up from the screen... I just don't like it. And it's not so much the gaming or the screen, it's the way they just turn into like zombies it's like they're a different person. They go totally unresponsive and their sole focus is the screen.

I hate it but then I walk around town and you see grown adults sat having a coffee or in a restaurant both sat looking at their phones not talking to each other... I despair sometimes at what smartphones have done to us. We adults are just as bad.

We just had a holiday with 13 yo DD. No phones at the table is a rule we have at home so all meal times were phone free. She was online in the mornings (waking up slooooowly) , a few times in the day when everyone was just chilling , evenings while we all showered /got ready for dinner and then before bed. Did it still add up to hours ? Sure. But she fully participated in the day , enjoyed every single activity, was happy , enthusiastic,Present and involved and didn’t complain once. We also talked a lot, played with cats, people watched , awwwed and fussed over little ones , played card games and so many things. So I just decided fuck it, she’s a good kid, we have a good balance she can chill how she wants to for a few hours in a day.

Have you watched the documentary The Social Dilemma (it’s on Netflix) social media platforms are carefully designed to be highly addictive all in order to sell things. Phones / tablets are also designed to make our brains want more. It’s very depressing. Remember you’re the parent and you’re in charge.

Our kids (15, 12 and 10) are not allowed near social media but we have the same issue with YouTube and we have very simple rules. Absolutely no mindless scrolling is allowed. If kids want to watch something specific on YouTube they can but not on their phones (as it’s rife with all sorts as we all know) they have to plug the laptop into the TV in the living room to watch.

I heard a chilling quote from someone on a podcast yesterday “the day you’re ready for your kids to see porn is the day you should give them access to a phone / tablet. You’re not giving your child access to the world / internet but you’re giving the world / internet access to your child”

Firstly don’t stress about this he is getting lots of other stuff

The phone and in part the scrolling is giving him relevant social stuff and though not always wholesome or family oriented it’s just a replacement for old fashioned mindless watching tv for the most part.

best things I have found is to

model balance/sensible usage and point out what is sensible in your own life and why

make sure he understands that people are making addictive stuff to line their own pockets financially and bolster their own egos and that they are using him for this, not doing it to entertain him so he must decide how much of this is fair

chat to him about how much of his day he thinks is appropriate to dedicate to the social media and find a way to schedule this in his day or put a limit on his phone to help him stick to this - it is hard otherwise what ever your age - but he needs to buy into the concept

ask him to pick up a chore to contribute to the holiday team spirit such as dishwasher duties

be clear that real people should always trump what is on your phone so no ignoring people when scrolling, no playing irritating sound tracks out loud on repeat, chat to your people every day about what you find fun on your phone and share little memes and videos so it is inclusive

add value to phone use eg encourage him to take photos of the holiday and research things to do etc

At this age, as long as he's joining in, I'd let it go. If you want him reading then have a no phones before bed rule and encourage him to read then - it's all about finding the right book that will engage him too.

The Hunger Games books are really good at this age if he hasn't already read them, Neal Shusterman Arc of a Scythe series, Garth Nix Sabriel series, Life as we knew it series by Susan Pfeffer, Phillip Pullman - His dark materials, Divergent series Veronica Roth, Percy Jackson series - DS has enjoyed all these over the years.

Again, I agree and see exactly what you mean. Not all books are educational either, when I was reading to escape the adults it was Sweet Valley High and those Point Break horror books 😂

I think Tarnished moonstone speaks a lot of sense. He sounds like a kid who is engaging with and therefore enjoying all the active bits of the holiday. I think he should be allowed to spend the remaining time relaxing in a way of his choosing on his holiday. I am absolutely with you on wishing they'd pick up a book instead of their phones but a holiday is not the time to enforce that in my opinion.

I don't know about anyone else but I have found holidaying with teens far harder than little kids. It doesn't matter how well you plan and how much you take their interests into account they just don't throw themselves into enjoying a holiday in the way they did when they were little. I'm lucky mine don't really give attitude or behave badly but a bored looking teen or a teen staring endlessly at their phone can still really ruin the holiday vibe!

Is it unreseanable that a child should not be on TikTok watching silly influencers on holiday???

If it were up to me, I wouldn’t even allow a smartphone. Here’s your flip phone: text your friends if you want, but there’s no way I’d allow endless, addictive videos.

The fact that you think this is okay is shocking to me. This is an addiction. It’s like smoking or drinking, but for the mind. Would you allow that?

I know this and explicitly discussed it in my post. My point is that when I read on holiday as an only child 45 years ago, I was reading partly as a way to switch off and be somewhere else mentally, because talking to my parents the whole time was too much. Of course books and phones have different functions and impacts and there are major issues with phones today. But that doesn’t mean that all phone use is problematic. I remember how I felt back then and it was very much the mental downtime that I wanted on holiday; if I’d had a phone I’d have used it. As I said in my previous post, if this boy can’t put his phone down when he’s back at school, that’s a completely different situation.

I'm not sure what you're expecting your son to be doing when he has spare time on holiday. He sounds a lovely lad, participating in all the days out and activities. So many threads on here about ungrateful kids ruining holidays, your boy sounds a normal, pleasant teenager.

Speaking as a teacher, a book does not have the same addiction issues as a phone.

Books are educational, allow people to think for themselves, use their imagination. It is a self motivated task e.g. the book doesn't read itself.

Phones are frequently just sitting and staring, and even playing games are phone-lead activities so the person just responds to the phone and needs the phone's input. This is a HUGE issue in schools as pupils are losing the ability to think for themselves and struggle to do anything on their own without being lead. Its exasperating.

Well done here, you've managed a reading 'boast post' and fellow parent shamed in just a few sentences.

The OP doesn't need to be told they are a crap parent who doesn't impose boundaries, they are lamenting a modern world where mindless scrolling a vapid nonsense is entertainment- for us adults as well as kids.

It's a form of relaxation and switching off. I would lean into a bit if I was the OP, ask about the latest 'trends', ask if they learnt or seen anything interesting, or completely ridiculous.

If they are engaging in other aspects of the holiday, I wouldn't worry too much.

It's the modern world, us parents would have done exactly the same if we had these things as kids.

Yes we would all love our kids to be sat reading 'Lord of the Rings' for entertainment, but we have to be realistic.

I think the amount of time being on the phone is not too awful when so much else is happening, and pretty inevitable.

I think I’d focus on what he’s looking at. TikTok and reels/ shorts are pretty awful for the brain. Maybe try to talk to him about these .

I have a slightly younger one who is not allowed TikTok and I removed YouTube because of the shorts - he was just scrolling and scrolling.

I wouldn’t have a problem with this between activities. Honestly what else do you expect him to be doing? I’m the same. If not doing an activity or driving then I’ll relax on my phone. Kids the same. Count yourself lucky he’s engaging in your activities. At that age and as a single child many kids would be bored to death and non stop complaining.