Page 2 | Going out with son without me

justanothermother2023 · 2025-08-20T01:52:46+00:00

I don't like farms. I have phobia of animals. My partner asked if I wanted to meet his friend with my little one there too. I said no as I thought it was just his friend and didn't want to intrude. His friend suggested going to a farm. Someone then booked tickets to a farm with his friend and his partner as well as my little one. I've never met the partner and have been keen to meet her. The day he told me of the plan, I said I'm upset that I couldn't meet the partner with him and felt left out. I then said I really want to come if it was something other than a farm. He said that his friend suggested farm so that's it. I brought it up again because I was having FOMO. He apologised but didn't do anything e.g. contact friend to change activity or anything. I then brought it up the third time but this time to say that I wish he did something to change it and was disappointed he didn't. He then said I was being pathetic and that I always create problems. I didn't like the insults in front of my little one. I am fed up. AIBU?

Original poster

justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 14:11

arcticpandas · 20/08/2025 14:03

@justanothermother2023 You do sound like a child throwing a tantrum. It must be really tiresome for your DH.

Try to step out of yourself a little bit and look at your child who will get a lovely day with daddy. That's what you ought to have said instead of moaning how now you want to go. How is your child supposed to enjoy their day when they know their mum is unhappy because she's not coming? Time to grow up and focus on your child.

Hmm I agree in part with you're saying. I don't think it's necessary to say 'grow up'. Of course I put my child first! I am obviously finding this particular scenario difficult. Thanks for your thoughts though.

I will try to be more positive about this and you are right that I should be happy my child is having a lovely day with his dad. I just wish I was there too!

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Original poster

justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 14:08

Agapornis · 20/08/2025 14:05

I'm a bit concerned he's isolating you. You're not allowed to meet his friends, you're not allowed to speak to your friends about something that matters to you. How often do you see your own friends/family? Is he difficult afterwards?

He doesn't have much contact with his family. His friends are his family I think... I have contact with my family. I don't think he's isolating me I think he just feels like our personal problems should be solved between us because people like to get too involved

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Agapornis · 20/08/2025 14:05

I'm a bit concerned he's isolating you. You're not allowed to meet his friends, you're not allowed to speak to your friends about something that matters to you. How often do you see your own friends/family? Is he difficult afterwards?

arcticpandas · 20/08/2025 14:03

@justanothermother2023 You do sound like a child throwing a tantrum. It must be really tiresome for your DH.

Try to step out of yourself a little bit and look at your child who will get a lovely day with daddy. That's what you ought to have said instead of moaning how now you want to go. How is your child supposed to enjoy their day when they know their mum is unhappy because she's not coming? Time to grow up and focus on your child.

Original poster

justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 14:01

THANK YOU ALL. It's nice to hear the other side. I don't speak to my friends about things like this because DH doesn't like everyone knowing our business (which is fair enough). I'm glad I had a sound board here. I already apologised to him yesterday for this and hopefully he apologises for the way he spoke to me and we can move on.

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ChaChaChaChanges · 20/08/2025 14:00

I think you need to be more proactive about your own life, TBH, rather than outsourcing it to your partner. You could have suggested meeting up afterwards, you could have taken steps to address your phobia already, you could have said yes at the outset but asked for a different venue before tickets were booked. But you didn’t. That’s on you.

Sirzy · 20/08/2025 13:56

By the time you decided you did want to go it had been booked. Did you really expect them to cancel the booking of something fun for the children just for you?

and you were fine your child going before you knew about the partner so it’s nothing to do with the child going really it’s your jealously!

Agapornis · 20/08/2025 13:54

justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 13:26

Yes, I am trying to. Thank you for the plan. I have asked my partner to help me with my phobia (as he doesn't have one) to slowly visit petting farms etc. He hasn't really made the effort and I know if it was the other way around I would have defo been more considerate

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Definitely write your own plan so you feel in charge and it's at your own speed. I suspect your partner will be more supportive in helping you once he sees you're taking active steps. Him hurrying you won't make it easier.
You could add going to a park to find insects/look at ducks. Then do the same in your garden/balcony if you have one, e.g. plant something like lavender to attract bees & butterflies, or put up a bird feeder.
Also, it helps some people to find out more facts about a species (though that is more about rationalising that most spiders aren't actually dangerous).

PInkyStarfish · 20/08/2025 13:52

He’s right, you are always creating problems and it must be very tiresome for him and your phobia is going to negatively impact on your child.

Get some counselling and hypnotherapy for YOUR problems as they are spoiling normal activities for your family.

Starlight1984 · 20/08/2025 13:46

justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 13:26

Yes, I am trying to. Thank you for the plan. I have asked my partner to help me with my phobia (as he doesn't have one) to slowly visit petting farms etc. He hasn't really made the effort and I know if it was the other way around I would have defo been more considerate

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Sorry but your phobia is just that. YOUR phobia. It isn't for your partner to help you overcome it.

And he has been considerate... He's said he will take your son to see the animals because he knew you wouldn't want to go?!

steff13 · 20/08/2025 13:46

justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 13:23

You're right. I do wish he asked if I was open to meeting up with them after the farm. I just thought I would be part of the family activity given that he is my son too

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Why does he have to do that though? Instead of harassing him to try to change the activity, why didn't you just suggest something like that yourself?

Moonnstars · 20/08/2025 13:45

justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 13:40

Thank you everyone for your thoughts - especially those who responded kindly. I am seeing my GP about DSD I think I am having - potentially ADHD related. DH has a pattern of not inviting me to meet his friends and I think I need to work on that.

I have told DH that I would have liked to meet the partner and I would have liked to come had I known. I also thought my DH would stand up for me if the friend offered a farm and offered an alternative so I would have been able to come. He doesn't usually speak up for me and I wish he does...

I think was being unreasonable expecting a change of plans - I think I wanted him to speak to me before he booked tickets with his friend and partner.

I don't think going to the farm with his friend and partner is the real issue here. I think it is the lack of communication (i.e. telling me that he is meeting the partner which I have told him I want to) and the fact that he doesn't normally stand up for me (i.e. friend offered farm so he could have offered an inclusive idea instead or even invited me for lunch after farm).

Is it your friend though? Why are you so fussed about meeting DHs friends partner?

If you are also close to the friend why don't you message them and arrange another outing?

Playtoo · 20/08/2025 13:42

OP - YABU

Your DC should get to interact with animals even if you have a phobia. You should be delighted they are getting this exposure. Hopefully this means you wont pass it on

Original poster

justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 13:40

Thank you everyone for your thoughts - especially those who responded kindly. I am seeing my GP about DSD I think I am having - potentially ADHD related. DH has a pattern of not inviting me to meet his friends and I think I need to work on that.

I have told DH that I would have liked to meet the partner and I would have liked to come had I known. I also thought my DH would stand up for me if the friend offered a farm and offered an alternative so I would have been able to come. He doesn't usually speak up for me and I wish he does...

I think was being unreasonable expecting a change of plans - I think I wanted him to speak to me before he booked tickets with his friend and partner.

I don't think going to the farm with his friend and partner is the real issue here. I think it is the lack of communication (i.e. telling me that he is meeting the partner which I have told him I want to) and the fact that he doesn't normally stand up for me (i.e. friend offered farm so he could have offered an inclusive idea instead or even invited me for lunch after farm).

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Original poster

justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 13:32

SecretNameAsImShy · 20/08/2025 12:20

Is that a phobia of ALL animals. You need treatment for that! Trying to get everyone to change the activity after they have booked and paid for tickets is very unreasonable.

Yes. I do! I have asked my partner for help with this and I think I would have liked some encouragement with the farm. I tend to be braver in front of my son because I don't want him to develop the same phobia as me

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Original poster

justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 13:31

hoohaal · 20/08/2025 12:07

I accidentally selected ‘YANBU’, but unfortunately I think you are being unreasonable.

Your Son will have a nice time there and they shouldn’t have to change plans because of your fear.

They can always arrange another date to do something else fun.

Just for comparison - I’m petrified of the sea. My kids and partner love it and they go in on paddle boards etc. Partner meets all his friends and kids there. Sometimes I don’t go because I’m just sat at the side too scared to go in. It does hurt that they all get to socialise and do fun stuff without me, but that’s my problem and unfortunately I just have to let it go.

Try not to feel too put out.

I am actually really happy my son can go to see the animals. It is a great activity for him and also really grateful my husband has the confidence to take him out on his own (he never used to!).

I think I was upset at the time and like you say I think a reassurance of meeting them another time would have been nice but there was none of that. I think just being nice about it would have helped me! Especially as I was PMSing!

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Moonnstars · 20/08/2025 13:30

justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 13:27

I do and my issue isn't that he's meeting friends without me at all. It's that I said I was keen to meet his friend's partner because I like his friend - really nice guy. And I thought he would consider me when he planned to meet his partner. I just thought it was odd he would plan a family day without me?

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But he hasn't planned a family day without you. In your post you said My partner asked if I wanted to meet his friend with my little one there too so you knew all along it was him and a friend, this isn't a family day out.
A family day out would be you and DS and partner going to the farm but you don't want to go to the farm due to your phobia.

Original poster

justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 13:29

Ellie1015 · 20/08/2025 12:24

Yabu.

At the start you should have asked who was going rather than assume just dh and friend.

Your dh agreed to an activity, had you been going he would have presumably suggested and alternative.

Now tickets have been purchased. Of course he cant suggest changing the activity.

Understand you are disappointed you arent attending but yabvu to complain to dh about it.

I did ask and he said it was just his friend. I only found out after he booked tickets it was his friend and partner.

But I see your point. I understand after tickets purchased it can't be changed but he had an opportunity before tickets were purchased to make it more accessible. Even after tickets were purchased he could have encouraged me to come to help me get over my phobia

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Original poster

justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 13:27

Moonnstars · 20/08/2025 13:26

Do you not ever take your son out without your partner? It sounds like this is the issue that you now feel left out as dad and son are going out with friends. Surely there are times when you go out alone with your son and meet up with people?

I do and my issue isn't that he's meeting friends without me at all. It's that I said I was keen to meet his friend's partner because I like his friend - really nice guy. And I thought he would consider me when he planned to meet his partner. I just thought it was odd he would plan a family day without me?

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Original poster

justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 13:26

Agapornis · 20/08/2025 11:34

Address your phobia. I had a phobia of crayfish (based in a childhood event) which stopped me from swimming in open water and meant I missed out.
You can either get paid help, or set up your own exposure programme. Set a deadline, and do everything set for that month at least once a week/4-6 times, more as needed until you feel reasonably comfortable. E.g. your goals could be:
Month 1 - Visit a friend with a small safe pet e.g. goldfish/hamster or similarly contained animal.
Month 2 - Go to a pet shop with small furries.
Month 3 - Visit friends with a cat/docile dog. Pet it.
Month 4 - Walk past a field with cattle/pigs.
Month 5 - Go to a zoo (as you usually can't get within touching distance).
Month 6 - Go to a farm/petting zoo/city farm.

Life is SO much easier without a phobia.

Yes, I am trying to. Thank you for the plan. I have asked my partner to help me with my phobia (as he doesn't have one) to slowly visit petting farms etc. He hasn't really made the effort and I know if it was the other way around I would have defo been more considerate

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Moonnstars · 20/08/2025 13:26

Do you not ever take your son out without your partner? It sounds like this is the issue that you now feel left out as dad and son are going out with friends. Surely there are times when you go out alone with your son and meet up with people?

Original poster

justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 13:23

steff13 · 20/08/2025 12:55

Right, not every time. So she doesn't have to go this time. She could go next time. Or she could have said "hey I'm not into the farm but why don't we meet for coffee afterwards or you all can come back to our place and we can order pizza?" I mean if she really is that anxious to meet this person then I think she could compromise.

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You're right. I do wish he asked if I was open to meeting up with them after the farm. I just thought I would be part of the family activity given that he is my son too

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Original poster

justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 13:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

Thank you. I think I was being unreasonable to change plans. I think what I'm upset about is that if I knew it was his friend and their partner, I would have said yes and I would have thought my partner would have asked if I would like to come in that case and potentially asked if the friend would consider something that is not a farm.

I agree that I shouldn't deprive my child and never will of his right to visit animals. I think I wish it was more a collaborative conversation of my partner asking me if I would be open to visiting it (I've always said I want to try going there one day to get over my phobia for the sake of me and my son). My partner has a pattern of not inviting me to things which I think is what this stems from perhaps?

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Cheesetoastiees · 20/08/2025 12:58

I couldn’t deny my child an age appropriate fun activity with his dad because I was afraid of something.

Stop being so silly/making it about you, wish them a good day, enjoy the peace and then arrange something else with the other family for another day.

steff13 · 20/08/2025 12:55

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/08/2025 06:27

@ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler do what?

Where did I say the Ds can never see animals without his mum?

Some really bizarre extrapolations from posters on this thread.

The op said she’d like to meet these friends. And objected when it’s at a farm. This time. Not all times.

Dearie me.

Right, not every time. So she doesn't have to go this time. She could go next time. Or she could have said "hey I'm not into the farm but why don't we meet for coffee afterwards or you all can come back to our place and we can order pizza?" I mean if she really is that anxious to meet this person then I think she could compromise.