To not want to go to their bbq?

I would expect Op to elaborate further considering a fair few replies have commented on that particular element of the situation however it's been brushed over.

This exactly its not just the ex SIL who is being mistreated its your nieces and nephews being let down.

First of all no way would I have stopped speaking to my ex SIL because my dh told me to. I dont take orders from anyone including my DH. The poor woman has been through enough without adding more hurt to her. I would suggest your DH take a long hard look at himself and ask himself why he thinks he can control your friendships and why he wants to hurt hus ex SIL further. Secondly tell your dh we're to go, then go and apologise to your ex SIL as should he (this part is even more important if your ex SIL and BIL had kids together).

Thirdly if you don't want to go dont. If your dh does let him go and take the kids. Put your foot down and stand up for yourself.

Your poor ex SIL has been treated appalling by her ex and his family.

Whilst your dh takes the dc to the bbq why don’t you arrange to meet up with your ex sil.
Have a good catch up.

I presume you didn’t have obey in your wedding vows?

Im not sure why you ditched SIL in the first place? Because your DH told you too? You could’ve facilitated contact with cousins through her, meeting up etc together.

He now wants you to go and play happy families with the new “family” because he says so.. ….. if you don’t want to go, then don’t.

You can choose what you want to do, you don’t have to agree with everything your DH wants to do.

There is no way I'd go.

The most agreeable options I'd give him is that he and kids go and he can pretend I'm ill (migraine or something)

There is also ZERO chance i would give up my relationship with SIL for 3 key reasons mostly relating to what best for your children.
He also shouldn't want to cut SIL out but im guessing appeasing his DB for a quiet life for himself is more important than doing what's a. right and b. best for his kids....

1. By dumping SIL What sort of a messages are you&your dh sending them about family (you can just discard family members), cheating (it's okay and we ostracise the injured party because its convenient) and relationships in general (she's the mother of your cousins children not a used tissue to be disposed of).
2. I would want my children to maintain good relationship with their cousins and that means maximising time together (ie seeing them on mums time as well as dad)
3. Basic societal values. Women generally get screwed in separations now: Majority childcare and thrn expected to fund that on the joke that is CMS. It's not okay. I'd want to be able to give my SIL a helping hand and a break on "her time" to be a decent human and member of society and to indirectly benefit her children / the cousins.

Your DHs attitude sucks and is classic male "path of least resistance"

Despite asking you to post i almost guarantee he will take zero of the responses onboard and will continue to pressure you to put up and shut up so "he doesnt have to deal with it" and you'll be criticised for "making problems for him" etc.

I hope you told him to get to fuck with his telling you not to talk to his niece/nephews mum!! And that you hope he never has to look his niece/nephews in the eye and answer for how the family has treated their mum.
now line up a play date with the mum on the weekend and do whatever you want over the bbq.

my mil wanted me to block her ex sil, I said to dh absolutely not nor should you- how could you look your cousins in the eye.

😂🤣🤣

Yanbu you do what you feel is right…dh can take kids on his own

No comment on the fact you dumped your SIL because your DH told you to?

I don't blame you for not wanting to go. If you were friendly with your BiL's ex-wife, and saw the cheating, then you are allowed to male ethical judgements as an adult.

Let your DH take your DC by himself. You're very busy washing your hair that day.

I would go, your neices/nephews don't deserve to miss seeing their aunt on top of all the disruption their dad has thrown into their life.
Go, spend time with the DC, but I would not be following the "don't contact SIL" instruction. That's your DCs cousins mum, there's no reason at all why you shouldn't still be meeting up, you're still family connected by the DC, that doesnt change based on who DHs brother is currently sleeping with.

@StrawberryJangle I choose single. I don't know why you are hate this woman so much without meeting her.
It's going to be far more awkward for her.

The Op knows enough about the other woman; she was the affair partner of a married man. Who cares if she has to experience awkwardness! It was half her fault.

@FlockofSquirrels has it right.

You have to think about the long term. BIL and SIL have split. End off.
You can't avoid the new woman forever.

But I wouldn't not speak to exSIL. She might not want anything to do with you but I'd get in touch and ask how she is doing.

To be fair if it was my brother I’d go, and I’d ask my partner to try to make the best of it all as I’d want to support my brother even if he has made crappy choices. But I’d still be friendly with the ex and probably gossip with her about the horrible tramp ,,, just because you go it doesn’t mean you either approve or have to like them

Why on earth did you cut off your SIL just because your DH doesnt have a fucking spine to stand up to his brother?!

I would not be going to the BBQ and would be apologising massively to SIL and seeing her instead, if she would give me a chance (and who could blame her if she wouldnt).

BIL doesnt get to just insert the "new model" into his old life as if his wife never existed.

To your husband I say....

As Shakespeare said "judge a man by the company he keeps" and you support a lying cheating piece of crap. That you would do this to your former SIL tells everyone all they need to know about how you would treat your wife if you found a nice shiny new girlfriend. You disgust me.

What's the endgame here? Is this a one time pass on an event or do you plan to refuse to attend any family functions with them? If it's the latter, how do you see that benefiting anyone? Will it improve your children's family experience? Heal any hurt?

When I was a child one of my aunts cheated on her husband and her older sister decided to refuse to speak to or see her. The "other man" became husband and everyone healed and moved on except the self-righteous sister who kept this up for years once she had taken her stand, seemingly because she didn't know how to let it go once she'd started. Eventually she gave it up (without ever admitting perhaps she was wrong) and now both the ex husband and husband attend our family reunions, the sisters pretend it never happened, and all anyone has to show for it is years of hurt and missing time together.

Taking a pass on one family gathering is reasonable. Telling your DH you're going to continue your friendship with your ex-SIL (without getting involved in any conflict between the two) is reasonable. But be cautious about making a painful situation worse for everyone.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

You're a grown woman. Keep in touch with whoever you like.

People are generally bastards. These things happen.

My brother had an affair that ended his marriage. He knows I still hate him for it.

I choose single. I don't know why you are hate this woman so much without meeting her.
It's going to be far more awkward for her.

It's not her fault.

Start talking to SIL again.

Why would you let your DH dictate who you can talk to? This is very strange and controlling.

Don’t go to the bbq if you don’t want to.

Are you feeling ok??
Bloody hilarious 😂 response though!!
You win!!