To not want to go to their bbq?

You’re used to always giving orders and being obeyed aren’t you?

You get to a point in life when you just don’t feel like being in awkward, unpleasant situations during your spare time just to make it easier for other people to feel better about their shitty behaviour. This might be one of those for you. Life is just too bloody short. Send your husband and the kids and put your feet up with a glass of something and maybe give the ex SIL a ring for a catch up instead. All this emotional labour, for what? Just so the men folk can pretend all is well and cheery in family land after they’ve rearranged the female furniture a little to suit their tastes. No thanks. Give it time, and when you feel like, engage. But only if and when you feel like it.

OP have you posted about a similar event before? It all sounds familiar, not being allowed to continue seeing SIL, DH demanding that you play happy families with BIL and the OW. BIL was in the wrong if there's an OW, but apparently that doesn't matter because his brother is family so it's all fine.

You don't have to go to the bbq. And you need to read up on assertiveness because DH seems to think you're a chattel to be ordered about. Not a life partner.

Oh give over, are you OPs DH giving out orders?

And responded again….

Like OP should not take orders of don’t speak to SIL, you don’t order me!

I’m not babbling nonsense! The OP is not a blood relative and your comments are ridiculous.

This is a public forum and you don’t police it.

Dob’t like the way it works, don’t use it. Don’t want me to respond to you, then stop responding to me? Simple!

Your H takes your kids
And you message your SIL and meet her for lunch
You're an adult, you don't HAVE to do anything and you be friends with whomever you wish, regardless of family dynamics and a 'Darling' husband who needs to stop telling you what to do and how to feel

For all the reasons I gave in my post. Yes they absolutely shouldn’t have cheated on their partners, but everyone makes mistakes and sometimes we have to make the best of a situation. I’d go to support my husband and my children. No one knows what was going on in either of their relationships before the cheating except the people involved. Sadly, marriages do break down, but the BIL and the OW might be married for the rest of their lives and that’s a long time to avoid family gatherings that the husband and children will be attending. It’s completely up to the OP and I get why she doesn’t like how they acted, but what’s to be gained by never attending family events with them again?

Your husband told you not to be friends with ex-SIL? And you've to go to this BBQ because you're his wife?

Hahahahahahaha. Nope. Fuck both of those things back to 1950 where they belong.

It might be difficult to maintain the NC with BIL and new woman longer term, but you get to decide. Not him.

As for ex-SIL, I hope she has better friends than you.

Does he have form for asking you to do things you do not want to do?

And do you normally allow him to dictate what you can or cannot do?

Not exactly a union of true minds, is it…

No I’m not!

your “norms” are not “norms”.

It clearly states she stopped contacting SIL because she was told to, she had a good relationship, friend or not she could continue if she wanted, but was told not to.

You seem to agree that because she’s not blood this was right.

I don’t agree and base relationships on people sharing my moral views, rather than being blood and forgiving them bad behaviour.

Also BIL is not blood to OP, it’s her DHs brother so he can do as he likes, but not dictate to OP that it’s “blood”.

Don’t go. Also don’t let your husband dictate who you can and cannot speak to.

Problem being he told OP to not speak to SIL anymore and she acquiesced, like a good little wifey!

He told her to ask on here, so she did. He did that because he thought we’d all agree with him. Now when she shows her the responses, it’ll be we’ve not agreed because we are bitter, blah blah!

More fool her, but now he thinks he can tell her to just buck up because “she’s his wife”!

You are an adult then act like one if you want to keep in touch with SIL then do so, why do women need men to do their thinking for them?

Up to you on the event go or not but not going just because they had an affair seems like something people may have done in the 1950s, and with modern blended family thing with kids all over the place seems a little judgemental only going if you approve a relationship set up if the new partner was on here complaining a guest refused to come to her event I can imagine the replies to that

DH told her not to keep in touch with SIL,

Foolishly she did that.

He’s now telling her to attend the BBQ, because she’s his wife?

Im not sure why you think “blood” means you have to agree with bad behaviour and facilitate it?

OP can have her own morals and not agree with her DHs families low morals.

Marriages break up, but shagging someone else whilst still married doesn’t mean you can then decide that everyone just has to play happy families with your mistress and forget everything else, including a SIL that’s been wronged.

He’s saying I have to go I’m his wife and just to get over it.

Lol. What a dick your husband is. He might want to hang around people with no morals, but he doesn’t get tell you what you have to do. Tell him to fuck off.

Life is short, you’re all grown ups and kids are involved (cousins). I’d go to the bbq and make an effort with OW. I’d also ignore your husband and keep in touch with ex-SIL as you get along and she’s the mother of your children’s cousins.