To not want to go to their bbq?

When did he split from his DW?

It’s pretty sad that you stopped speaking to SIL on your DH’s say so. Fine if SIL didn’t want further contact with the wider family, but she’d just been cheated on and then lost out on the wider family too. I find that incredibly sad.

I am with you though, I wouldn’t want to go either. I’ve become far less tolerant as I’ve aged and refuse to spend my precious little free time with anyone I don’t want to, whatever the reason 😆 let him go and socialise if he wants to but you don’t have to.

Is it just the BBQ you object to or will you not attend any events in the future where BIL and OW are at? What if it is just BIL? What if it's a funeral or a wedding? Christmas at the in laws?

I understand you disapprove of what BiL has done (not sure I would hate on the woman here, she didnt break the wedding vows). But this is your DH brother, and it's not realistic to avoid him for the rest of your life.

So by all means say you want to sit this BBQ out, it may feel too soon, it may just not be something you want to do. DH can take the kids.

But don't be the person who tries to drive a wedge between DH and his brother by refusing to interact with them again. You don't have to be friendly just be courteous. He is not a criminal. He is a man who made poor life choices.

I do agree that if you are friends with ex SIL incidentally then she's a friend. End of story. He doesnt get to stop that friendship.

Your DH and BIL can have the BBQ together, they both sound like pricks anyway. Let him take the kids, you don't have to go if you don't want to and your husband can hardly make you. He is NOT your lord and master to give you orders, get him put in his place! (If you are reading this, MrUnderstood, it's the 21st century so stop being such a twit and show some respect for your DW's feelings on the matter.)

What a shame you dropped ex SIL on his say so, try to contact her if you can. You will probably have to meet OW at some point if the relationship continues but you can decide when.

I don’t blame you - my DH does not get to say who I can or cannot see - and I would not want to see either BIL or the OW. If my DH tried to force me to go he would be told what is likely to happen and it won’t be pretty.

What a delightful pair of brothers. Cheating and controlling.

I would:
Resume contact with SIL. It might have to start with an apology. She was your friend, you got on with her, by the sounds of it she did nothing wrong,

Probably go to the BBQ. Are you going to continue a life long refusal to engage with your DH’s brother? Through the kids weddings / Christmases etc?

No one is asking you to approve of his behaviour - if they are they can’t make you. But what’s the point in showing loyalty to the betrayed SIL if you have cut her off??

Hello Mrunderstood have fun at the bbq.
@Mrsunderstood is going out with her ex sil for a catch up.

Your dh should not be so controlling. Its not his choice who you speak to as a grown woman!

His brother has behaved disgracefully, and now they want everyone to play happy families?! It really does not work like that… your poor sister in law deserves better.

I would be contacting and comforting your sister in law op, she is your friend I assume for many years.

As for the new woman there is not a chance I would go or be interested in meeting a woman who happily blew up two families, neither of them can be trusted, the relationship is built on destruction and deceit, I would have zero interest in a person like this. I am with you op 100%!!

This - sorry to join the pile-on but you should tell your DH to sod off and keep in touch with the poor woman if you want to.

And your husband sounds like a prize nob - you should enter him in a show

What support does a cheating shit bag need?

@Drivingmissrangey But you DH wants to support their brother

The DH is telling OP who they can and can’t talk to, and where they must go and what they must do. That’s very different to expressing a wish and giving someone a choice!

If I no longer saw family members who had left their DWs for OW I wouldn’t have that much family to see. All of them, without fail, have now been happily married to the OW for 20+ years.

This doesn’t excuse their behaviour in their first marriages, I mention to only make the point that if this relationship lasts are you really going to never see them? If my brother made a mistake and my OH refused to see him I’d be pretty annoyed.

OP you don’t have the be happy about it, and you don’t have to like them. But you DH wants to support their brother.

I’d have a headache. You don’t want to risk saying anything that might cause a rift and for the sake of the kids it’s best to stay on good terms. I’d be messaging SIL to arrange a get together too. You can be friends with anyone you want.

It’s concerning how controlling your DH is. He says ditch your SIL, you ditched her. He says you have to go somewhere you don’t’t want to because you’re his wife, and you feel like you should.

I can’t believe that you are questioning whether you have to go to something you don’t want to go to because your husband says.

I think it's really sad that your husband didn't want you to continue a relationship with the ex sil.
When she was with your bil your husband presumably expected her to be part of the family and now things didn't work out through no fault of her own she's not even worth keeping in touch with?
And the brother who actually ruined everything gets away with it all whilst she who did nothing wrong loses every one?
I'd be keeping my distance from the lot of them.

No way would I allow my DH to dictate who I can and cannot talk too! let him go on his own as I’m sure if like me you went you’d have a face like a slapped arse and would end up having a row afterwards anyway

You’re right not to go - well done for sticking to your principles.
I’d keep in touch with ex SIL too, I bet she needs support.

You’re right not to go - well done for sticking to your principles.
I’d keep in touch with ex SIL too, I bet she needs support.

No need to be sorry. The OP has asked for opinions. You’ve provided yours and i’ve provided mine. The great thing is that the OP is getting a range of different view points to help her decide. There’s no right or wrong here in terms of whether the OP should attend the bbq.

I had a good relationship with ex SIL but DH didn’t want me to to speak to her anymore after there separation so i didnt. Now I’m being forced into situation such as this. He’s saying I have to go I’m his wife and just to get over it

You are seriously saying you are not talking to your ex-SIL because your DH told you not to AND you listened to him? Is it normal for him to tell you who you can and can’t speak to, and you actually listen and obey him?

Also, who cares what he says, you don’t have to go anywhere you don’t want to. You are not being forced into anything, you would simply be choosing to agree with, what appears to be an idiot. Whilst my DH would never tell me who to speak/not speak to or where to go/not go, if he went insane and started with such nonsense, I would simply laugh in his face, and any normal woman would do the same. I’d tell him to crack on himself, take the kids to see their cousins, and I’d be having a nice day of Netflix in peace, shopping, or even lunch with the ex-SIL, whatever I wanted to do.

Let him take the dcs. You go and have a glass of wine with your SIL.

You shouldn’t have dumped SIL either. Don’t go.

it’s fine for the brothers to close ranks, but your kids could see their cousins via both parents.

being dropped by everyone after your husband cheats is especially horrible frankly.

if he wants to play happy families then he can take the kids himself. They clearly just want to carry on like they haven’t hurt a whole load of people and I wouldn’t want to be part of that either. Let him take the kids on his own.