To not want to go to their bbq?

Agree with the majority of posters on here. Your husband doesn’t get to say who you do and don’t see. If he wants to pretend at one big happy family, let him. You don’t have to!

You would have made a great Puritan op. Sitting there judging others and not going to events to show you have the moral highground. Well done.

Exactly this.

Your DH is controlling. It’s not up to him who you’re friends with. Me ex-SIL is one of my best friends and I love her dearly. If DH told me to break contact with her I’d tell him to fuck off. But he wouldn’t, because he doesn’t try to control me.

Same with the bbq. It’s not up to your DH if you go or not. He’s not the boss of you. Make decisions for yourself and tell DH he has to accept that. And if he doesn’t then you have more problems unfortunately.

My dh does not tell me who I can and can not speak to and I wouldn't tell him. Who the hell does your dh think he is to tell you to stop speaking to your sil?
If ky dh tried that controlling shit with me there'd be the possibility of another divorce.
I wouldn't go, but ai would contact sil and spend time with her instead. Your dh is as much scum as his cheating db.

I’d go for the kids sake and try and work through the situation. Life is too short for this shit.

BUT I’d tell DH to do one over the ex SIL. No way I’d let myself get told I can’t be friends with someone.

Does he always tell you who you can and can't see? I'm assuming his ex is the mother of his children, if so then how is everyone going to never see or speak to her? So she's been cheated on, dumped and her effective in laws are now freezing her out?

If you truly don’t want to go then just send the children with DH… however, you need to play the long game. Don’t cut yourself off from family and all the related family events.
I’d go to the bbq, focus on your kids and your niece/nephews (they would probably like you to be there, especially if they don’t want the new woman around).
I’d be civil, but not friendly. I wouldn’t help with the food/cleanup - you’re a guest, a plus one if your husband. I’d grey rock and offer nothing. It’ll make it clear to DH and BIL that this is the relationship you’re offering and if asked I’d have no qualms saying that I’ve learnt to not get attached to BILs partners as history shows they won’t be around long term…

Well he is got a shock then! Enjoy your time alone and maybe have coffee with ex SIL?

@Mrsunderstood when you said “they are both disgusting “ at first I thought you went you husband and his brother. Because they are both as bad. Is your husband always as controlling ? Why do you allow it ?

Yell him you are not going end of .

This

Lots of family occasions have someone there that i don't like. I go anyway, to see the people I do like and for the benefit of dp and children.

Isn't that how all big family type dos are?

However, dp does not tell me who i can be friends with, and if he tried Id set him straight.

Well now you know how your DH's family will treat you if your DH has an affair and leaves you and the kids.

Your poor SIL had to deal with your BIL leaving her for the other woman and then losing your friendship because your DH told you to stop seeing her. That was a really mean thing for him to do and I'm not sure why you agreed to stop being friends with her.

I'm glad that you have decided not to attend this BBQ.

Your husband is being very unreasonable to tell you who you can be friends with.

What sort of time scale is this? If it is pretty new and raw then I get your point but if they have been established a while then for the sake of family harmony you need to superficially get along. I would not have ditched a friend though

DH didn't want me to speak to her any more after their separation so I didn't

Why did you agree to this? You are laying the groundwork for what has now happened - first he tells you who you can't see and now he's telling you who you must see. He sounds controlling

Just incidentally I had no desire to maintain a relationship with my ex PIL or ex BIL when I split up with my ex.
And indeed my parents didnt maintain a relationship with my ex.
I do think that's fair enough. I mean if I saw them in the street we'd both say hello. But I certainly didnt want to hang out

Yup!!! You've already MASSIVELY had his back by cutting contact with your ex SIL. Too much to be honest. I'd remain friends and she must be very hurt that you've dropped her.

Hold on a minute, the BBQ is not the issue here! Your DH told you not to talk to your SIL? Seriously! Does she have children? Because if you do have your children's cousins from her side, there is no way on this Earth my stupid husband is telling me not to keep contact with her! That is crazy!
And if she does not have children, then I would keep a cordial how are you? Happy birthday, Merry Christmas.... going on if I liked her.
Whatever happened between your DH's brother and her has nothing to do with you.
The BBQ, well, given your DH shitty behaviour above, I would not feel like going. Just to make the point. If he is treating his SIL like this, he may do the same in his own marriage later in life...
But there is the chance your BIL and the OW stay together in the long term, so it will not be wise to create a rift here. For me, it would be more important to keep a decent relationship left with my SIL. I just cannot believe your DH commands you on this......

You should do whatever you want. That includes going to the bbq (or not), being friends with xSiL (or not),…

Are there other aunt/uncles and GPs attending? I bet no one feels entirely comfortable but BiL has made his choice and now has the consequences. It will be a lesson for you around how your DHs family will act if you were to ever split up…

What’s worse is that he stopped contact with you and your former sister in law. Why does he get to chose this? She is the mother of your children’s cousins.

Don’t go!!

And maybe message your SIL to apologise, poor her. Your DH can’t dictate who you talk to, WTF.

I would make sure PIL know my views and that it would be better if I don’t see BIL. I have a friend who told her own parents she was disgusted by her brother’s behaviour (similar to this) and she did not see him while he was with OW - relationship didn’t last long. She also told her parents that she was not impressed with how they had basically dumped their DIL as though she had never existed.

Get in touch with your SIL and apologise for not being there for her.
NB She might decide she's not interested in staying on good terms with someone who dropped her like a hot potato when her husband was whoring around behind her back.

Tell your DH he isn't the boss of you, and means it. You don't have to drop friends, attend social functions or create Mumsnet posts just because he says so.

Don't go to the BBQ.

If this relationship lasts long-term you'll have to accept it for family occasions like Christmas. You don't have to be friends but you'll need to be polite.

Currently, though, it's just your slutty BIL and his current affair partner. Who knows how many of those he'll go through if he's prepared to cheat on the mother of his children.

Why on earth did you drop your SIL as a friend because your DH told you to, if mine did that I'd laugh in his face. He doesn't get to dictate your friends and who you spend time with because you're his wife! You're not his property. If course you don't need to go to their BBQ, if he wants to take the kids that's fine. I wouldn't go 💐