To not want to go to their bbq?

I see your husbands side to an extent . He isn’t going to cut ties with his brother because he had an affair. Regardless of how he feels , that’s his brother . The children are also his nieces / nephews and your children’s cousins. You can’t just cut all ties with them - the children suffer then. You don’t have to go , and your husband should understand but you can still go and not be supportive of their relationship. You can go because you want to make it easier for your husband , he loves his brother it’s not as easy for him to hate him as it is you , you can go so your children still see their family. But you do not have to form a relationship with OW. I would go , but I would keep myself to myself .

It is concerning that you had to cut ties with your SIL after she was betrayed already and likely feeling very alone. That is unfair . On her and you . I can tell you I would not have put up with my husband telling me to do that. That is the unreasonable part.

Stand your ground. Do what you think it’s right. I’m guessing 90 percent of people attending will feel the same as you but don’t have the balls to not go.

I’d tell my husband…

Listen up! You have two options. I go, and I’m rude, bitchy and tell Sharon how much I loved Kate. Or I don’t go and you take the kids. You choose.

A man telling me who I was and was not allowed to speak to, and that I must do something 'because I am a wife' would be corrected and divorced.

Him and his disgusting brother are well suited.

Where does OP say that her SIL had an affair? She has said that both BIL and the OW had affairs that broke up their marriages, not that her SIL had an affair.

I actually can't believe that you simply dropped your SIL when she most likely would have appreciated the support because your 'D'H said so, wtf?

Your husband clearly thinks he can dictate what you do and with who. Only you can decide if you want to be married to someone like this.

Personally, id have completely ignored him if he'd told me to ditch sister in law

Have you actually spoken to sil about why she was so unhappy in her marriage she had an affair? For all you know BIL could have treat her like shit.

The issue is not that it's a family occasion BUT a barbecue organised and hosted by the OW. Assume it is purely to ingratiate herself into the family and further diminish the role of his children's mother.
How are the children feeling about the break up and how will they feel watching their Dad's family welcoming this woman who was, in part, responsible for the break up of their family.
The BIL and his new partner are being extremely insensitive and uncaring. It's all about them.

The person who is being punished is the mother of the children (nieces, nephews, grandchildren). She might not want a relationship with her ex in-laws and who could blame her given how they cut her off. @Mrsunderstood hope your husband is reading all the responses. He is controlling, insensitive and uncaring bastard.
You should be taking note as he and his family are showing you who they are.

All the people saying “OP should spend that time with her SIL instead” what makes you think the SIL who has been cheated on, and then unceremoniously dropped by people who WERE her friends and family would want to see OP?

If she’s childfree for the day, she’s probably already made plans and they won’t include awful people who drop her during one of the hardest times of her life 🙄

I’ve been in the OP’s situation (albeit without a controlling arse for a DH) but I stayed in contact with my SIL throughout her shitshow of a divorce and my BIL trying to hide money and swindle her out of the family home. We built a solid relationship with my niece and nephew, who she had main custody of and whose world had been turned upside down.

After a few years and the divorce settled, my DH met his DB and the OW. DH then asked me if we could meet them as a family as it seemed like she was here to stay. I dithered about this decision for a while, but decided that I would for the sake of my DH’s relationship with his brother.

I have to say I have resting bitch face and my disdain for the two of them was evident throughout. The OW had been a “friend” of my SIL and knew the DC etc, yet had completely fucked them over because my BIL had money. I made it through the relatively short lunch and told my DH I wouldn’t be seeing them again, they’re just not my type of people.

I needn’t have worried; two months later my BIL had emigrated with a second OW, leaving both his DC and the original OW in the UK. The OW found herself partnerless and homeless as my BIL sold the house she was living in and I’ve never seen her again.

My DN & DN are now adults and we have a wonderful relationship, along with my SIL who is a delight to be around. I haven’t had contact with my BIL in years, or ever met the 2nd OW and I haven’t no desire to.

In short, I’m an advocate for spending your precious time with decent people and dropping arseholes (blood relatives or not) because decent people will enhance your life and arseholes will always be arseholes 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't want to go either. You may feel in the future that you would like to get to know OW better but surely that's for you to decide if and when, it's not for someone else to decide how you feel in this situation. As for cutting off SIL, well that's completely shit of your DH to tell you to do that. No one should tell you who you can and can't be friends with, I imagine your poor SIL would have needed the support back then too. Your DH sounds a bit controlling op, does he always get to decide what you can and can't do?

I’d be conflicted in your situation too but would probably go. I wouldn’t however let my DH tell me who I can speak to and who not. Unless there are things about SIL he knows about and you don’t? Relationship splits aren’t always because of the obvious.

Ditch him and bring the ex wife as your +1.

And then both of you shit on the barbie.

Why are you letting your husband tell you what to do op.

What a wanker.

Your H is a bit of a prat and why oh why are you letting him tell you who to be friends with? It seems being a prat is genetic.

Don’t go. Make a stand on their immoral behaviour. They need to know that breaking up families has consequences. It’s too soon for them to win your endorsement just like that.

And do get back in touch with your SIL! How dare your DH tell you to cut ties with the poor woman!

The question you ask - 'Do I have to suck it up and go?' ... Well no you don't HAVE to do anything.

Is this new relationship going to last though? The 'OW' still going to be here in five years time? Twenty years? Fifty years?

If I were you I'd go to the barbecue, and I'd be polite to everyone including OW. What are the alternatives? I can only see two: (1) you eschew this BBQ, maybe the next few gatherings too, but you eventually have to get used to it and start being civil to her, and (2) you eschew the BBQ and maintain this 'no contact' approach forever.

At the end of the day, people do fall out of love, and they do get together with other people.

As for being told by my husband not to see the original wife and mother of my nieces/nephews, well fuck that and fuck him for even trying that nonsense on me.

Your DH has no right to dictate who you can be friends with. I’d spend the time you would have been at that bbq to compose a note apologising to your sil for your absence in her life and suggest a meet up. DH’s brother and the ow can get stuffed.

Tell your DH that you’re not supporting his brother’s disgusting behaviour and you want no part of it. Then arrange to have a lovely lunch with your SIL and offer her any support she needs. Apologise to her and tell her you were pressured into cutting contact. I’ve walked this mile and it’s horrendous. Your DH is a dickhead and shame on him for supporting this shitshow.

So, how would the ex SIL feel when not only has she been cheated on but also loses contact with former mates? I understand not to be a go-between, but a friendly contact is not a problem. Tell your husband to do one and stand up to him. Is his brother domineering or the older brother who your husband looks up to?

Your BIL is scum. And your H is controlling and deeply lacking in morals.

How dare he believe he can tell you what to do and forbid you from seeing your poor ex SIL? Jesus. That poor woman. She’s best off out of that revolting family though. (Perhaps you could join her).

I came along to post this too.

I choose my own friends. Over time your SIL would like step away but she's still teg mother of your niece/nephews

Go and see her instead of the BBQ.

Is your husband always this controlling?
it would be a hard no from me if under these circumstances DH told ne to drop ex SiL for the shiny new replacement.
I would send him with the kids and maybe consider attending future events but not to the detriment of my relationship with SiL.
nice to know your husband has such high values as well as being a dictator.

Stick to your guns. I have a friend who did similar with his wife's sister.

She hadn't cheated on her fiance who was a friend of his but he felt the way she handled the break up was awful so refused to be around her, including attending her wedding.

Yes it's caused some issues and awkwardness for his wife but nobody else seemed to want to call her out and at least he knows he stood by his friend.

To those saying ‘Don’t go to the adulterous BBQ, visit exSiL’, whyshould the SiL welcome contact from the OP anyway? If she has any backbone, she’ll tell her to fuck off.
Which would be entertaining.

Well if he is reading this thread he had no right to prevent your ongoing contact with your sister in law and you have EVERY right not to attend the facade of a barbq!

Let him go and show his support for the cheating pair! Grim!

This confused me! Did you mean kecks? I was trying to work out why you'd drop a beer barrel

OP, I'd get in touch with the SIL and not be dictated to by my husband. And if it feels too soon to play happy families with the new woman, don't go. I think over time, it'll be best to accept that that this person is now your BIL's partner and try to get along with them, but that might take time.