To not want to go to their bbq?

I wouldn’t go. You don’t like them for what they’ve done. You don’t have to go along with it. Your Dh can go with the kids and have a lovely day. Cheating drama aside, he doesn’t need a chaperone to spend time with his family and you don’t need to do everything together.

I got the same thing when BIL and exSIL broke up. Dh and BIL didn’t want me to stay friends with her. We’d known each other 14 years and were genuine friends (though they lived far away from us so we didn’t see each other often). I did sort of understand it because the break up was incredibly painful and it was exSIL who did the cheating with multiple people. It literally drove BIL who I care a lot about to contemplating suicide and several years of therapy. I did really feel for him and how painful it was, but she was still my friend for a long time. We have maintained contact, but quietly. But no way would I have been trotting out to BBQs with her and the people she cheated with like we were just having a lovely family day, no.

You don’t need anyone’s permission to not attend a family event, no matter the reason, though.

I wondered that. That OP never returned to
the thread.

nobody tells me who i can or can not be friends with, so if you want to be in contact with ex-sil - that is up to you, OP

Also nobody tells me that i will go to family occasions and smile and wave and suck it up, i am not a minor member of the royal family who has to "sing for my supper".

So, i would say "have fun at the BBQ, i am not going" and then decide case by case if you want to attend events BIL and new gf are hosting.

You need to decide what to do about events at yours, and elsewhere where BIL and gf will be. It would be silly just to not go to any of it, and it would be extremely rude to everyone if you go and blank her or make a scene. You need to find a way to make it work.

That’s what I thought!

@Mrsunderstood her shit of an exh has betrayed her, moved on and stolen everyone from her former family

Tell your H that your former SIL has suffered enough and the fact that he’s so callous about her really makes you doubt HIS character.

Is this the same BIL who wanted your photos that included his wife take down because they upset his new woman?

Your DH is being totally UR to say you can’t be in contact with X-sil. I wouldn't accept that at all.

New Sil BBQ - I’d go for my kids and be civil but would be keeping my distance till they’ve managed a good few years together. I suspect I’m a good bit older than you OP and know several couples like this who’ve now been married to the affair partner far longer than they were married to original spouse. But also a fair few who the grass wasn’t actually greener and it only lasted a couple of years!

@Mrsunderstood
Are you the person who started a thread a few weeks ago about your BIL and the OW coming to your house and the BIL had a strop because you still had family photos up in your hall that had your SIL in them?

If so, I remember then thinking your DH sounded particularly spineless. Sounds like he daren't speak his mind or stand up to his brother but tries to dictate to his wife.

Don't go if you don't want to and make sure they know why. And do try to get back on friendly terms with your SIL. I understand what people are saying that, long term, if your BIL sticks with this OW and your DH wants to stay friends with his brother, you may have to get used to socialising with her. However, no way would I be pretending his previous wife and family don't exist. I would make sure they know I still see them and drop them in to conversation whenever I was round.

I agree that you should have stayed friends with SIL. Do you have a MIL? Have you all cut her off? I don't know if I'd go, I'd want to see how my DNs were and how she was with them. I wouldn't trust their father, or your DH to safeguard them tbh. You've already lost your SIL in all this, so could find yourself ousted a bit,especially cone Christmas. How has your BIL been about maintenance etc, fairly decent?

Your dh sounds like a massive prick.

You don’t get to tell someone who they can and can’t speak to and christ, saying they have to come somewhere as they are your wife?! What the hell.

Your poor ex SIL. Honestly, I would be phoning her, apologising for the lack of contact and telling her your dh was being a prick.

I am still friends with my ex husband’s siblings. Im still friends with one of thier now ex wives. I’m glad none of them cut me out.

Good idea. Don’t let DH tell you who you’re allowed to be friends with. If SIL’s children spend more time with her than with their father, as is usual, your friendship with her will allow your DC more time with them too.

You should go to the BBQ. This woman isn't going anywhere by the sounds of it, therefore you just need to get on with it for the sake of everyone. Unless you plan on causing a huge issue and never going to anything she attends moving forward.
I think you are unreasonable for dropping your ex SIL completely, and to be honest the moment you did that you lost the right to be all moral about things.

Husband Is the unreasonable one here !! The getting over part should not be forced on you and the other woman sounds like she's marking her territory firmly .

I’d probably go tbh. If you are all young enough to have kids that are “fine” with their father looking after them and need relationships with cousins facilitated by adults then you could have 50 years of this to go. If it’s just you and dh and dcs then no, but if it’s a bigger party then it’s an easy way to spend time in the same company when it isn’t anything important like a wedding. It’s unrealistic to avoid forever if your dh wants to maintain a relationship and you want the dc to see cousins. I would probably turn down any just your family and them invitations or Christmas but go to bigger, wider, things.

Dumping your SIL when you like her and get on with her was unkind to the person in the situation who needed kindness most. I suspect you know that, and think it can be made up by shunning the culprits, but it really can’t. You owe her an apology but she might throw it back in your face.

Does your husband think he’s your boss? I would have continued to see SIL and facilitated contact between the cousins with her.

No, of course you don’t have to go to the BBQ. Maybe you could arrange to see XSIL instead?

I can't get beyond the whole "DH told me not to speak to SIL"

What the actual fuck?

Not only has this woman been cheated on and had her marriage break up but she's lost a support network as well?

And there are kids involved?

Shame on your DH and shame on you for agreeing to cut this poor woman out.

It does just give the impression women can be replaced easily and then completely ignored .
I dont see why you didnt stay friends with ex sil
But also agree you dont need to go to the bbq .

Don’t go and arrange to spend the day with ex-SIL instead.

Your husband told you not to keep in touch with SIL (bastard) and then said you have to go to the BBQ because you’re his wife and you need to get over it?
I’d be telling him to fuck right off and take his controlling shittiness somewhere else. Prick.

Sorry I read it wrong so apologies. So it’s not the sil in the wrong I wouldn’t be cutting her out then because of twatty BIL.

SIL didn’t have an affair.

This - though the sausages would stick in my throat.

I don't understand why you have dropped your ex sister in law as a friend. Sounds like she has been hurt enough without losing other people in her life who she thought were friends.

If you are following your husband's order of not seeing ex sister in law then you might as well go to the BBQ. It doesn't make sense.

I think you were massively unreasonable to just drop your SIL on the instructions of your husband, a woman who had been betrayed by her husband and, no doubt, needed people around her who cared about her. I would never have accepted being 'told' who I could and could not associate with and you let this woman down by just going along with his orders.

@Mrsunderstood have you shown him this thread ?