To not want to go to their bbq?

The poor children being caught up in the BIL's household.

My Dad's brother behaved like this many years ago and my Dad was horrified. We kids, and our Mum and Dad, never associated with his brother in the same familiar way again. We were polite at family gatherings and friendly enough to our older cousins.
My Dad insisted on treating his exSIL with respect.

I think you are right to be uncomfortable and not want to spend time in the cheating couple's company..

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

He's your husbands brother and any woman in his life is going to be in yours to some extent, if you don't accept that, family occasions are going to be hell all round. Of course you can remain friends with the SIL that you like, the two are different things. You don't know what happened behind closed doors or why they split up I'm sure there will be two different versions and best not to take sides.

it was messy because he is a lying cheat.

And maybe if cheaters felt a bit more shame they’d bother to actually end their marriages before shacking up with someone else and gaslighting their “loved” ones.

Is it a surrendered wife or religious thing, I have not encountered anyone who would end a relationship as their spouse told them to, unless it was something very controlling or abusive? Or did you chose to end it but blaming him?

im also unsure if the end game here or what you’re trying ro achieve, you ended the relationship with your sil simply as you were told to, that’s the way bigger deal than going to a bbq, but now you want to show your judgement and not go, or maybe will you just make an excuse and hide behind your husband, it’s hard to fathom.

if you want to make a point, then own it, say you won’t see them again as you abhor cheating so much you can never be round people who have, and that means both of them, him and her, or go and play nice. What you can’t do is make an excuse and hide behind it. That’s no stand,

Kegs. Common? Moi?

Your dh sounds very controlling. I would tell him to go fuck himself.

Play the longest game you can. You want your children to keep seeing their cousins so keep in touch with the ex (and explain to your ~controlling~ DH it is for this reason) and give the new one and your bill no reason to dislike you. The fact you maintain contact with his ex will be enough of a thorn in their side anyway.

in 20 years when your dh and BIL are caring for his parent(s) you will likely need good relationships so I wouldn't cut your nose off to spite your face

care to explain this bit, @RosesAndHellebores - why would OP need good relationships in this situation?

You've already taken sides by ignoring your ex SIL. She must be devastated by the behaviour from you and your DH even if there will simply be odd occasions when you see her again, that's an appalling way to behave to someone who has done nothing wrong out of loyalty to a sibling/BIL who has been an utter arse.

Go to the bbq. It is what it is and you can be a civilised grown up while not pretending she's your new best mate. Especially if you're going to be told she's persona non grata when BIL moves on to his next model.

It is not a given that OW will ever be accepted.

I wholeheartedly agree.

Personally I'd go to the BBQ. It's probably not realistic to completely avoid contact with your husband's brother unless you refuse to go to all future family style events and, as you say, this might hurt your kids. You also say that you rarely see him anyway, so presumably you won't have to tolerate his new bit of stuff very often.

As for dumping your SIL. Wtf! She's been a long time friend and is mother to your children's cousins. How can you cut her out of your life. Why does your DH think that's necessary, moral or even possible. Controlling fuckwit. Tell him to get stuffed.

This. Why should you drop ex-Sil wouldn’t everyone prefer to maintain family relations when kids involved.

I didn’t say it was. I was referring to pissing on territory. I still wouldn’t entertain it. Sorry, it’s something I feel very strongly about and if somebody did that in my family, they’d get short shrift. The only time I’ve ever felt sympathy in an affair situation with somebody close to me
was when the “OW” was being severely abused and controlled by her husband which I knew to be fact. In that case, I was glad it happened because it got her out. Otherwise, it’s a hard line for me.

I wouldn’t go but would contact ex sil to see if she wants to meet up while they are there. Just because BIL and her aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean you can’t see her and your dc have a right to see their cousins.

I don't think its anywhere near the same. Its brother inviting brother.

I think Op trying to avoid them is just going to cause more issues.
This new woman could potentially become Aunty by marriage to Ops kids, how do you tell BIL is partner isn't welcome at your kids birthday without causing a fuss 🤔

I don't see anything wrong with Op staying in touch with the Ex, but trying to avoid the new woman isn't good.

Sooner or later circumstances will bring them together, parents illness, family wedding, birthdays.
The BBQ is low key get the first meeting over and done with.

Two wrongs don't make a right.
You should not have dropped SIL, the mother of your DH's blood relatives and your children's cousins, who presumably live with her still.
You need to go and be polite rather than gushing or loving for the sake of the cousins. Civility costs nothing.

in 20 years when your dh and BIL are caring for his parent(s) you will likely need good relationships so I wouldn't cut your nose off to spite your face

Hi MrUnderstood

You're being a control dick. You don't get to choose who your wife is friends with and who she is 'not allowed' to be friends with.

If your brother can't keep his dick in his own pants, thats not your wife's problem to tolerate. If she is uncomfortable with it, she's allowed to be. Actions have consequences and all that.

That doesn't affect your relationship with your brother. You can still see him. She's not stopping you.

Ultimately this will require the passage of time for all parties to calm down and dust to settle. You can't just expect someone to drop one friendship and then be nicey nicey to the cheating couple just like that. Anger has to be allowed to pass otherwise you are risking ending up with the new relationship getting off to a bad start and everyone hating each other anyway.

Your brother knew it was going to cause upset. He has to deal with that and take responsibility for it. And you need to put how your wife feels first BEFORE your dickhead of a brother otherwise you are disrespecting her.

You wanted her to post a thread to see who was being unreasonable.

The answer is YOU. (and your brother)

HTH

Of course the divorce was messy, your BIL was lying to his ex and everyone else it seems about having the OW.

Imagine being gaslit every day of your life about things you KNOW to be true (your H having a relationship with OW) and being told you’re crazy and delusional and the marriage broke down because of things that you did, rather than the fact he had his dick in another woman.

Would that make your divorce nice and easy? Of course not.

Divorce is ugly 99% of the time and when it’s not it because both people have been open and honest about what they are doing and have shown kindness to the other party.

Lying and cheating throughout the divorce process is going to make it a hideous time for everyone involved. And when the truth came out that the BIL had been lying about the OW, you ditched your SIL instead of apologising and saying “you were right all along, he’s a lying weasel.”

That says a lot about the morals of your BIL, your H and you OP.

Haven't RTFT but did your husband really tell you that you had to go because you're his wife OP or are you paraphrasing? If mine had said something like "I know you're not happy about this and nor am I really, but he's my brother and I want to maintain a relationship with him, and the kids with their cousins. I'd really appreciate it if you'd support me and come along too." then I'd consider gritting my teeth, showing up and being civil but no more. But if my DH really told me that I had to do something I was morally opposed to because I'm his wife and he says so, I'd probably be taking steps to solve that problem by ensuring that I wasn't his wife for much longer.

"DH didn’t want me to to speak to her anymore after there separation ".

I don't get that one bit, not that you went along with it.

What's done is done but if you don't feel comfortable about going, do not go. Put your foot down - and see your ex-sister-in-law with whom you were friendly, she must feel hurt by you cutting her out.

Yes BIL and OW are trying to normalise it all. Bloody grim. No way would I be entertaining that, ever. I had similar with my ex and OW. She tried to get one of my closest friends and her husband round for dinner. Fortunately that husband had some morals and told her that that would never happen. Cheeky cow. These people are scumbags.

I wouldn't give up my relationship with my SIL because my husband has a shitty brother and told me to do so. I'd skip the BBQ and let the kids go with your controlling husband.

If this helps you make your mind up I was the sil. My ex cheated with one of my friends. I was treated like the guilty party and ostracised by the whole family including my sil who I had always been friendly with. It was very painful. I know blood is thicker than water but seeing them all accepting OW as family was such a kick in the teeth when I was already so low. I have only seen them 3 times since - at weddings and funerals. My ex-bil kind of mumbles and looks at the floor and avoids me. His wife acted bright and chatty as if we were still friends which in a way was worse. I was polite but not friendly.