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Original poster

Would you end your relationship over this?

143 replies

FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 21:37

I am a mum of 3 boys, 2 of which are my partner of 21 years, my eldest was 3 when we got together. My partner hasn't been the best but ive tried to work through all his flaws over the last 21 years and some are things you can't ignore but ive worked hard, ive had to start therapy for those byt anyway... 1 thing that sticks out is, every time I have a difficult life challenge he completely disengaged from me and either turns on me, picks a fight or finds a way to ignore me till the crisis is over...zero support. Not emotionally, not physically, not mentally...nothing....ZERO. Some examples of crisis are my Dad passing, my 2 brothers passing, my pregnancies, the loss of a pregnancy, my eldest son (not his) relapsing from schizophrenia and me having to get him hospitalised etc, ive done it all alone every single time....now what's the final nail in the coffin? Or feels like it should be... ive had years of issues with my repoductives and tomorrow im having a hysterectomy as no other medical intervention has helped, its been years of hell, ive vocalised how scared I am and he's known for months about it. He kept saying not to worry he will be with me the whole time, he will be there, take me to the hospital etc etc....only last week he turned and said with no emotion..."so how are you getting to the hospital next week for your op?".....I chose not to react, not to beg for his support and I just said BUS. He then said 'yea because I see no point in me having to go all the way there to come all the way back...BUT IF YOU want me there I'll come" I already knew i was in this alone. Its a 10 minute drive but Again I didn't want to give him the reaction he needed to start a fight so he could excuse himself anyway. I didn't want to point out he promised to be there, to drive me there, to be there when I wake up...I cant drive myself as I won't be allowed to drive home and that will cost a bomb to leave the car for 3 weeks in the hospital or close by. I am beyond annoyed. I am honestly considering ending it all. The last time we argued about lack of support he mentioned that when my eldest was sectioned his support was looking after our sons (17 and 9) for me so I could help my 'precious' son....that in itself was an insult because he can happily ask my eldest to watch his brother so we can go for a meal when he wants some of the other......be honest, be brutal....what would you feel or do if you was in this crap situation?

OP posts:
HollyIvie · 20/08/2025 00:15

Good luck with op and recovery. Hope he steps up for the kids and the house. Make sure you have your mike drop speech ready when u ask him to leave. His behaviour is so disrespectful!!

Nettyhugs · 20/08/2025 00:06

Hope your op goes well @FeatherBower. He’s on countdown time and doesn’t even know it.

Smilesinthesunshine · 20/08/2025 00:06

Good luck for tomorrow, I hope it all goes well for you. Please kick this nasty piece of shit out of the house as soon as you have recovered and regained your strength.
You will be so much happier without him.

Dramatic · 19/08/2025 23:54

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from him, and to then ask "what time are you leaving?" like it's some sort of sick game. OP you are absolutely not being dramatic or overreacting, driving you to the hospital is the absolute bare minimum you should expect and the fact he won't even do that and seems to be relishing in it just shows what kind of nasty person he is.

I hope your surgery goes well, I'm having the same thing done in October and although I'm nervous I know it'll be the best thing in the long run so I'm sure once you've recovered you will have even more energy to get rid of this dead weight of a husband

Eenameenadeeka · 19/08/2025 23:52

If he's not there for you in the hard times, and it sounds like sometimes he even makes things worse for you, then he is not a good partner. I'm sorry this sounds like a tough situation for you, do you have anyone else who can support you?

kleverklogs · 19/08/2025 23:50

He sounds like like a turd. You deserve so much better. Flush him away, OP!

JackGrealishsBobbySocks · 19/08/2025 23:45

I am aghast at how uncaring, unfeeling and exploitative this man is.

I think yoy should move this to Relationships so you can get more seasoned support and guidance. You have one life. You could spend the rest of it independent and happy.

TangerinePlate · 19/08/2025 23:45

Oh OP 💐

Please ask around. There are some good people out there (not your partner) that will help you and take you home from the hospital. Taxi should be your last resort.

It would also be a good idea to find some support after you left the hospital. With such uncaring person as your partner he might go out leaving you to do everything and jeopardise your recovery. Don’t underestimate his cruelty.

Please take care of yourself. Your swift recovery is crucial to your wellbeing.

When you’re back on your feet please extricate yourself from this “relationship”. The fact that he has nowhere to stay is not your problem.

All the best 💐

ForeverTipsy · 19/08/2025 23:40

My friend has been in long-term unhealthy relationships before, partly due to having been brought up by parents in a toxic marriage.

She has found no end of support and friendship through CoDA UK, so thought I'd link for you in case it helps...

ScorchingEgg · 19/08/2025 23:34

There’s a few things that really stand out to me in your post. The first is that I think when you get to the point you describe - the not having the energy or the desire to argue the point, to remind him of what he promised, because you knew what the reality was going to be anyway with him dropping the ball, that’s when you know it’s over. When you have the fight in you to argue it’s because you still have hope he can be pushed into doing the thing you need and deserve. But when you don’t even bother with that anymore? It’s already over.

The second thing that stood out to me was how utterly capable and resilient you are, OP. You have been through all of that on your own without support and you are here and you are strong. Perhaps you just needed to reach a point where you gained enough confidence in your abilities to be alone. And hopefully if you read your post over you will see yourself for the strong, capable woman you are.

Good luck with the operation. I look forward to reading about your new life once you’ve got rid of the unhealthy parts. And I don’t mean your uterus. :)

curious79 · 19/08/2025 23:30

It sounds like a relationship that is devoid of love frankly. I wonder why you’ve put up with it for so long. Is that a self-esteem thing? Your parents have a bad relationship so that’s as good as you thought it might get? It is certainly not a relationship I would stay in.

whynotwhatknot · 19/08/2025 23:26

do you both own your house-it will be hard but get over this surgery first then look into legal advice

Original poster
FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 23:09

Anyahyacinth · 19/08/2025 23:03

You've been incredibly brave going through so many things that are so hard. I think you'll find lots of caring people at the hospital tomorrow...you're right get through his...then act.

My stomach churned at what you are having to accept from him..definitely playing with you like a cat with a mouse about how you'll get to the hospital. It's beneath contempt. Keep it as it is...because NO ONE could ever justify not taking you and taking care of you there. It will be absolute proof to harden your heart and get rid. Honestly you are worth SO SO much more 🌷💐🌷💐🌷

My heart has definitely hardened this last week more than it ever has in the last 20 years. His face even looks different to me now. He looks like a different person suddenly.

OP posts:
Anyahyacinth · 19/08/2025 23:03

You've been incredibly brave going through so many things that are so hard. I think you'll find lots of caring people at the hospital tomorrow...you're right get through his...then act.

My stomach churned at what you are having to accept from him..definitely playing with you like a cat with a mouse about how you'll get to the hospital. It's beneath contempt. Keep it as it is...because NO ONE could ever justify not taking you and taking care of you there. It will be absolute proof to harden your heart and get rid. Honestly you are worth SO SO much more 🌷💐🌷💐🌷

Arlanymor · 19/08/2025 23:01

FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 22:58

This actually made me smile really wide and i almost spit me water out! 🤣. You are a sweetheart!

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Good! You deserve to smile!

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 19/08/2025 22:58

He can’t possibly love you. He’s not even attempting to disguise that he doesn’t care. He’s just too cowardly to end things and live alone. Get rid of him. He’s contemptible.

Original poster
FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 22:58

Arlanymor · 19/08/2025 22:41

Doesn’t sound silly at all, nor is it dramatic. You’re getting your ducks in a row (as everyone loves to say on here!) and pushing past this stage where you need him to do the bare minimum. Hopefully he will, but I think in your mind it’s past the point of no return now. Every day of recovery post-surgery just do one thing to extract him from your life, just one thing, so that when you’re back to your fighting best he’s already pretty much erased and it’s just the physical extraction left to handle. If you were in Wales I would gladly come and be your ‘heft’ - I used to play rugby you know, I am no pushover! Onwards and upwards lovely, onwards and upwards. 2025 could end up being your best year yet! ♥️

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This actually made me smile really wide and i almost spit me water out! 🤣. You are a sweetheart!

OP posts:
Katflapkit · 19/08/2025 22:57

That is so brutal and cold. I am sorry for you.

In a long term marriage/relationship with its bumps/warts and ups/downs you should be able to rely on each other, support each other. What is there, if there isn't that? To answer your question, yes I would leave.

YesHonestly · 19/08/2025 22:55

Why does he asking what time you’re leaving tomorrow? It sounds like a game to him, he’s needling you until you react.

What a vile piece of shit he is. You will be so much happier without him OP!x

iamnotalemon · 19/08/2025 22:49

I’m sorry. I hope the surgery goes well and he steps up to support you x

WheresthesaladTheresthesalad · 19/08/2025 22:47

Arlanymor · 19/08/2025 22:33

Because this is the litmus test isn’t it - if he can’t step up for this then yes it’s over. No one wakes up one day and decides to leave, it’s a slow creep when you have children and your lives are so intertwined. I think this was almost his make or break and he chose break. I think you’re being a bit rough on OP.

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All of this.

You deserve so, so much more than what this man brings to you.

Good luck OP for your surgery tomorrow.

Juniperberry55 · 19/08/2025 22:45

FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 22:36

This may sound silly, but I haven't ended it already because I need to make sure the kids are looked after while I can't do it, so its safer to get the surgery done and them looked after. I dont have family around so im stuck. I grew up in a dynamic that made abuse hard to notice because it's normal for me but with therapy im seeing things for what they are, its a long story but I needed to know or needed reassurance that I am not being 'dramatic'.

I wouldn't do anything until you've recovered from your surgery, you need to the child care and whatever minimal help he'll actually provide. So I wouldn't mention anything to him for now.
Good luck with the surgery, rest as much as you can, if he doesn't hoover for a few weeks while you're recovering then just accept you'll need to do it when your better and try not to wind yourself up about it. As long as the kids are safe and fed, then worry about the rest later. Yes he clearly should be looking after the housework, but it sounds like he's pretty unreliable and useless, so just accept bare minimum and get well.
Then as soon as you feel better from the op, tell him to pack his bags and tell him to leave. He hasn't cared for you when you needed him, so I wouldn't feel bad

Arlanymor · 19/08/2025 22:44

FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 22:43

I envy those who are able to see things this way because it shows a blessing that I clearly wasn't privy to. It makes me happy for them.

Thank you for explaining it so well Arlanmor.

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Any time, you’re clearly one of life’s good ‘uns. Totally on your side.

Original poster
FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 22:43

Arlanymor · 19/08/2025 22:33

Because this is the litmus test isn’t it - if he can’t step up for this then yes it’s over. No one wakes up one day and decides to leave, it’s a slow creep when you have children and your lives are so intertwined. I think this was almost his make or break and he chose break. I think you’re being a bit rough on OP.

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I envy those who are able to see things this way because it shows a blessing that I clearly wasn't privy to. It makes me happy for them.

Thank you for explaining it so well Arlanmor.

OP posts: