Feeling pushed out of DGC life

OP, having read your messages, you're full of excuses for your son's measly 24 hours every two weeks with his kids, but it's up to him to work his life around his children. He could live in a cheaper area to get a bigger home, he could get a joiner job at a company instead of the council, he could pick up extra work like bartending three evenings a week to afford a bigger place - there are all sorts of things he could be doing. He's young and this is the time of life to hustle and work hard, instead of just working for the council and accepting a mere 48 hours a month with his kids. Sorry, you might not want to see it, what with being his mum, and you clearly think that nothing is his fault going by your responses on this thread, but it's a him problem.

Maybe puts all the kids in the brpedroom and sleeps on sofa. They are all very young

💯

@NannyJignea sorry if this has been asked already but, hand on heart, how is your relationship with your son? From everything you have said, it sounds like he is trying to limit your time with his kids as much as the mum is, or at least he is not taking you up on your offers to spend more time with them - he doesn't want you to take them on Fridays, he doesn't want to sleep over at yours with them, he is happy for them to spend Christmas at their mum's.

And with all of these suggestions you have for the kids to come to yours more often, on a Friday evening or for dinner once a week and back to mum's (which I am sure would soon turn into a suggestion for a sleepover), how do you expect the kids to get to yours if you don't drive? Has your son offered to drop them off and pick them up or is this something else that you expect their mum to do in addition to looking after them, feeding them, doing all the laundry, doing all the school runs, helping them with their numbers and letters and putting them to bed?

I really don't mean to give you a hard time, but it does sound like you are asking for quite a lot but are being pretty inflexible. Sounds like the mum is doing an amazing job with very little practical support.

To be honest, seeing your grandchildren every other weekend is as much or more than many grandparents. If you saw a lot more of them before your son and his partner split up, I wonder if that also reflects on your son's reluctance to be a particularly involved father, if he relied on you to take on some/much of his parenting role, that now falls wholly on their mum.

the mum isn’t being controlling, you are. They are navigating a difficult split. Custody needs to be between two parents not factoring a third layer of grandparents to the mix.

Your son barely sees his own children. One evening a fortnight is absolutely nothing, so he should not be giving that up for them to see you.
He needs to see them more.
You've said you need to get a bus to help with school runs, you'd be too early... Can you not collect them from school one afternoon and give them dinner, then dad collect and drop them home? You've made many excuses for him not seeing his children more, but he finishes at 4.30, he could see them if he wanted to. He'd be at court if he truly wanted to see them.

I am sorry I have to agree with the majority of people here.

your son is not seeing nearly enough of his children. They are very young and he isn’t an active and involved parent. I see my nieces and nephews more than he sees his own children!

you are painting him as the hero and her as the villain when the truth will be somewhere in between.

its amazing how men can make so many excuses for mot being able to parent their children. He could work part time to spend more time with them (many parents do), he could petition the courts for more access.

the children don’t NEED to see more of you, but they NEED to see more of their dad.

Sorry but I don’t see the problem here. You are seeing your GC every other week, that’s really decent time seeing as you are not their parent. I only saw my GPs a couple of times a year growing up. When did GPs get so bloody entitled?!

also my partner works for the council and has flexible working, as does practically every other person there so I call BS.

Good point. They could do a swap. Sounds like that would work much better for the DGC.

25 minutes is nothing. How pathetic of him.

Also OP it sounds like you have a 3 bedroom council house and then mention it’s really hard for your son and ex to find appropriately sized council houses as there is a shortage… hmmmm…. Perhaps your two unused bedrooms are contributing to this…

And if he is being paid peanuts for his council job as you made out it's hardly likely he is paying an actual decent amount of child maintenance.

OP I echo others that thinking what’s ’fair’ for you as grandparents is quite low on what’s important here. The children’s needs top everything and then their parents learning to coparent well comes next.

Your son really does need to step up here - you’re making a lot of excuses as to why he can’t help more but he should be working on solutions to those. Does he have his name down on any childminder waiting lists? What’s his current plan to find a bigger place (3 kids can’t share a bed for long at all!) It really is the only way you’re going to see more of them, and I have to say I think Mum is being quite accommodating especially in offering to let you see them every inset day. Other than that she’s trying to keep a good routine in place for her very young children.

Don’t try and see them for their first day at school, the less fuss made that morning the better.

Erm, even the OP admits the dad could have his kids more than he does, but he “doesn’t see the point”.

Do you also have a deadbeat son who can’t be arsed seeing his kids for more than 25 hours in two weeks? So blaming the mum and calling her controlling feels better than facing reality?

Could you learn to drive? Our tennis lessons weren't all year round. It sounds like your DS has created a number of easily solvable problems ensuring he has his DC far too few hours for a hands-on NRP.

Mum is making an effort, she invites you to birthday parties and out for dinner, you have the in service days and your son is sharing some of his time with you. Im sure this adjustment is hard on everyone. The children will be unsettled, you feel pushed out, your son is starting again in a new home without much access to his children, and however much she loves her children im sure solo parenting 3 children 90% of the time isnt mums idea of fun.

You say your son and his ex have always been amazing parents. Whether you agree or not with the details of their decisions (who gets Christmas day, who gets to be there on the first day of school etc) they are (most likely unless you've left lots out!) trying to do their best for the kids and maintain an amicable relationship and it sounds like they are doing a good job.

I think their mum is being pretty accommodating letting them stay over somewhere they dont even have beds once every couple of weeks and at their age that's a lot of time. My three year old would not be able to cope with that arrangement. A night away affects him for days. Add your house into the mix too and things will feel really unstable and unsettling to the kids.

You aren't unreasonable to feel pushed out and upset at how things have turned out. But you would be really unreasonable not to recognise that your feelings are the least important here. What works for these very young kids comes first, then whatever the parents need to get on with each other and stay sane. There is a temptation when you feel really hard done by to raise it and try to "fix" it, but it might not be in the kids best interest at the moment and you may well do yourself out of the good relationship you have with your sons ex at the moment and lose the time with the kids you do have.

So your son has a shit job, won't better his earning prospects, chose an unsuitable sized apartment, won't fight for the kids he created, won't use public transport because it's too much of an inconvenience (despite loads of us single parents who don't drive having to use public transport), and basically has absolved himself of all responsibility and made out to you that this is all her fault.

It's your precious bloody son thats the problem.

op didn’t buy anything for her DIL, she bought things for her grandchild

I appreciate that this hurts and you miss your grandchildren but I think you need to remind yourself that they are just that. They’re your grandchildren not your children. Yes you love them, yes you miss them but that doesn’t entitle you to spend weekends, birthdays, Christmas with them. Whilst it’s lovely that you want to be included it’s unfair to expect it. Even without the parents separating this becomes exhausting for both parents to have to accommodate someone else in every event. The situation is difficult enough to manage right now without you adding extra pressure. As for first day of school, no this is not the place for grandparents. Ask her for a photo instead

As so many others have said, the issue isn’t your ex daughter in law being unreasonable, it’s your son not stepping up as a 50/50 parent.

He could get a suitable flat NOT in the massively popular, expensive, village but somewhere else, and sort his work out so he can drive his kids to school regularly on his days. Or employ a childminder or child carer to take the children to their school. 8:30 to 4:30 is absolutely standard working hours.

Yes i was thinking this might be the case, mom does sound controlling and the kids wont thank her for it when they were older and they find out that dad and grandparents would have loved to see them much more but wernt allowed.
From someone who has never had anyone to have my almost 10 year old overnight ever...id welcome the break :)

She means inset days eg kids not at school on a weekday but mum still has work

@NannyJignea well that’s not strictly true going by your previous post where you suggested he had them for the full weekend and he said no.

it must be very difficult… but you have to accept that your son having custody for 24 hours in a two week period is a pretty poor effort and therefore utterly unsurprising that you don’t see your grandchildren much.

It sounds like neither your son nor his ex want you to be more involved with the children than you are at the moment. If the break up happened quickly, they are probably both still navigating single life and co-parenting as best they can. If I were you, I would try and avoid apportioning blame (for example, blaming his ex for wanting him to pay maintenance, thinking she's being controlling) I would imagine she, like most mothers, has her children's best interests at the forefront of her mind. She is still allowing you to be involved in their life, just not as much as you want to be. I'm afraid in this situation, your wants take a back seat to the parents and little children who are all having to get used to a new normal. Make the most of your time with your grandchildren and do your best to maintain a good relationship with their mother if you want to continue to spend time with them. As they get older, if you've built a good supportive relationship, hopefully they will want you there for high days and holidays.

Mum works in a school nursery so she has said we can have the children on in service days

I'm not sure what having the children "on in service days" means, in terms of you seeing them.

Anyway, this is really the fault of your son for not wanting them more. He literally has 24 hours with them every other week. That's hardly anything.

It's a pity your DIL won't let you have them for dinner in the off-week. That's mean. Sorry, OP.