Feeling pushed out of DGC life

Err.. Because he’s their dad and they love him..? This is a bizarre take tbf. When I was a child we went long periods without seeing my dad because as well as being separated from my mum, he had a job that required being away for a month or more at a time. That just meant we were even more keen to see him for Christmas, Easter etc when he was home.

The grandparents don't drive and it is 2 bus rides away (unless this was tennis, and it's 1 bus ride). Though in one post it very much sounded like they were happy to have the grandchildren on a school night and were keen to do this and give them dinner - if mum dropped them off and picked them up from their house!!

That's where you could help out by having them after school until he finishes work.

You should be seeing you DGC during your DS contact time. He has made the choice not to do Christmas or birthdays. He should be seeing them more often but you need to be led by him, not her.

If you want to see the kids more long-term then I think that the best thing which you can do is challenge this attitude with your son.

Both of your gc’s parents work and their work is equally important. The school has no wraparound.

Your son has many options to step up to the plate and still be a parent including booking a childminder, asking family to support, flexing his hours, getting to know other parents and swapping care, taking flexitime, taking holiday, speaking to school about the need for childcare, changing his hours or job.

But whilst he is just saying that he can’t do school runs, and leaving it all to his ex, you’re unlikely to ever get a large amount of time with your grandkids because it will need to mainly come out of his very part time parenting.

@Moonnstarsah I misunderstood, well that’s even worse then! Seems like he’s very content being a part-time father (barely even that tbh).

He can drive, it's the grandparents who can't. The excuse for not seeing them after school is he doesn't finish work til 4.30. As others have suggested he could ask and negotiate an early finish one day a week to pick the kids up but it doesn't sound like he is keen on this.

The more I return to this thread, the more I think it is rage bait and OP is having a laugh and enjoying winding us all up.
It is absolutely unbelievable the excuses she makes for her useless son, and calling DIL controlling. Single mothers do not have the luxury of choosing a job they like, they have to choose one that fits around the lives of them and their children. Whether the school has wraparound care or not, mothers all over the world make it work, whether by hiring childminders or utilising flexible working arrangements.
I see absolutely no reason why OP's son cannot make use of flexible working arrangements, especially working for a council.
DIL is 'controlling' because she is working full time and managing three children on her own. She cannot afford to drop the rope at any point, she has to run a tight ship. She does not have the time or flexibility to accommodate demanding grandparents.
OP you need to stop being so misogynistic, and you need to kick your son up the a*se. You raised this useless excuse for a 'man' and you need to reflect on the values you raised him with.

She probably doesn’t want him having them longer because they don’t even have their own BED ffs. And he can’t even drive, so can’t even come and see them in the week after work.

Once a FORTNIGHT...

Plenty of people depend on Grandparents for Childcare - a lot. And yet they are also considered disposable and have no rights or opinions. They love the Child too!

Indeed. Hell as a child all I wanted was my home Christmas Day. I didn’t want to be travelling to visit people. Even when we were taken on actual Christmas holidays it wasn’t the same as being home.

You are not being pushed out of your grandchildren's lives.

Your son and his partner have split. That means everyone gets less time with the children. Until your son has a stable and suitable place for his three children to stay at, they will undoubtedly be with their mum most of the time.

It's normal to miss them and wish you could see them more, but right now that's just not going to work.

But it seems very much he doesn't want to do this and seems happy with the arrangement. The grandparents have said that he and the kids could stay with them at weekends but he doesn't want to do that.

Also the notion of court will cost him money, and for something he doesn't really want. The court would also look at the practicalities of sleeping arrangements and also day to day routine. If he isn't going to get a bigger place or be able to take the children to school on time, then it will still go in favour of the mum having greater time.

I agree, would people rather she don't bother?

You need to stop blaming the mum and start blaming your son. He is choosing to stay in a small space me he is choosing not to do anything to get more space. He ja choosing not to insist on a whole weekend every other weekend. He is choosing not to earn more money by staying with an employee which does not offer a competitive salary.

Why on earth would the kids want to spend Christmas with a parent they see once a fortnight instead of their mum?

I think it's a bit unfair that Son is getting flamed for only having them one night at the weekend because Mum says no to Fridays due to tennis. Also think it's unfair saying he should "just get a 2 bed" when these days it isn't as easy as that. That said, he really should get a Court Order for more access during the instead, and he needs to manage his work hours accordingly as many Mothers have to.

I think it sounds like since their split things have changed for you and it's quite difficult to accept.
I think your expectations are too high. I don't see birthdays, Christmases and first days of school as something that automatically involved grandparents even when parents are together. A few hours twice a week sounds infrequent but it's more than my own parents see my children because they live a few hours away.

I think how much you see grandchildren depends on many things like distance, family culture and norms, relationships, practicalities and circumstances.

Not even once a week! Every other week!

OP it is not up to their mum to facilitate a relationship with you, yes it would be nice if she did but it’s up to your son. Unfortunately it sounds like he’s not bothered about that given how little he wants to have them himself

Your posts are infuriating!!! Do you think mums don’t have jobs with inconvenient start times? For the love of god woman stop defending a bloody awful man and dad! One day a fortnight? 24 days a YEAR!

Im so bloody sick of these men being defended and by another woman no less. You should be ashamed of raising such an embarrassment of a man. Do better and stop picking at the woman who stepped up and is now a full time parent.

I think you have to accept that your son and the children's mum are happy with the arrangements they have made and see your grandchildren when they are with your son.
It sounds as if you might improve your chances of spending more time with them by learning to drive?

How come he gets to have whatever job he wants, but Mum’s job choice is limited by childcare options?

I have asked our son to have the children all weekend every other week and they can stay with us on the Friday but he has said no he’s happy as is.

This would be very cruel and pushing your DGC out of your son’s life.

Could you or DH learn to drive?

You say he can’t do the school run because of work and lack of wrap around care, how do you think Mums cope? They have to either change their working hours or simply find a way. I suspect that’s why your son doesn’t want court ordered access, it will be too different for him