AIBU to stop posting and giving advice on mumsnet

The vast majority of posters on here want you to sympathise and validate their poor choices, and tell them they are doing their best.

They don't want to hear:

• that children often have difficult behaviour that is caused primarily by parenting (or simply personality) and not always a medical diagnosis or neurodiversity.
• that there aren't really any easy side hustles that bring in any meaningful amount of money around caring for young kids
• that they need to take accountability for their own finances
• that a bloke who has 3 kids already that he isn't supporting, and contributes nothing in housework or money, is probably not a keeper
• that you cannot be signed off sick indefinitely on full pay
• that an ever shrinking working age population cannot pay for a huge pool of retirees, students and people off sick

I like to think replies also help the silent lurkers and people who find the thread on google when searching for advice.

I've definitely benefitted from posts on here that weren’t directed at me!

It’s just an open internet forum. I’d try not to get so invested.

Maybe her marriage was falling apart and replying to MN wasn’t the first thing she thought to do.

Many of these threads receive hundreds of replies. Direct quote responses to the OP, tagging the OP, not tagging the OP, quoting and tagging other posters, sub-conversations, arguments, deleted comments.

People can't seriously expect an OP to respond to everyone, or respond to them specifically just because they think their advice is more deep, meaningful and relevant than the rest.

You need to head over to flouncers corner. I think there is a special board just for grand announcements of why you are quitting mumsnet

This is exactly why online forums and social media are no substitute for real life friendships and interests. Online relationships are parasocial, and fail to properly satisfy the human need for connection and collaboration.

Also, most of the threads in AIBU are wind ups.

@HerLivingontheHill
Often if I post I feel I'm usually saying what's been said a 100 times already.

I can never understand why so many MNers bother to do this. I'll read the first few posts, and if someone else has said what I would, I move on. It's bananas that so many threads go on and on for dozens of pages, with everyone saying the same thing. No-one reads them or actually discusses after a certain point, the traffic is all one way. Total waste of time. Especially if the OP stops engaging, which you can check before reading anything else.

This is why I don't bother anymore. I give suggestions on TV or dinner threads, things like that but don't bother even reading most threads now. Another thing that puts me off is threads are really mixed now like someone will ask for healthy meal ideas for example and get 999 replies about weight loss injections threads are getting derailed more and more. I've found myself using Reddit a lot more than here lately.

Yes! I was thinking of writing a thread about the same thing! There was somebody the other day asking for advice so I wrote quite a lengthy reply based on a a personal recommendation and I didnt even get an acknowledgement - it made me think why on earth should I bother!

You got invested in someone's creative writing exercise. The author isn't interested in well meant advice.

I don't believe most of the posts I read these days, they're clearly just content farming or trolling or looking to get a reaction, and it annoys me to see people waste their time and energy thinking they're genuine. It will reach a point where people just won't bother anymore

I know this is hugely ironic that I am wasting my time to post this but…

Yes, posting to help strangers who don’t need your help and don’t listen to your advice is just illusory social contact. It’s dopamine seeking behaviour (wanting likes and replies). Find something in real life that gives you genuine satisfaction. Do it.

Thanks for the reminder

Well you should definitely not give any more than you want or enjoy giving on a forum like this. I'm surprised anyone actually has any expectations of resolution when talking to strangers on here. I have zero. I absolutely acknowledge I'm typing into the void basically.

I have found my old threads of things relevant to my life now, and the advice helped me. So, to the point above, you aren’t always going to know who is reading when and what your words can be.

But that is what’s happening. You’re sharing your views and advice with complete strangers who don’t owe you an outcomes. I’ve also seen OPs being completely castigated for not immediately making life changing decisions on the advice from people on a thread, who seem to have no sense that big decisions take time and consideration.

The basic rule of not giving more than you can afford is a good one.

No, you are not being unreasonable.

IME, the most 'dramatic' threads are ones where posters are usually 90% in agreement with advice so if the OP reads half of the posts, they will take away the message.

Often if I post I feel I'm usually saying what's been said a 100 times already.

Increasingly, I've reported threads which raise suspicion, sometimes due to inconsistencies. I may have my post here deleted, but although MN says they investigate, unless the poster has a 'history' they can never be sure any posts are genuine. They tend to leave them because traffic to the site helps their advertisers and their own revenue.

None of us can expect 'closure' on threads which is why you shouldn't give out more than you can spare the time for, as you never know if the poster will come back or even if it was real.

I'm starting to feel like all I am doing is letting complete strangers vent at me, listen to my advice, then walk off like nothing happened. I wouldn't put up with it in real life.

Well, yes, that is what an online forum is. Similarly, other users are doing you a service by reading what you post. It is reciprocal in that sense. No one owes you anything more for posting, certainly not an update.

Presumably you get some gratification out of posting? It is good to get one's thoughts in order to by writing them out for others to read, and if nothing else, it passes the time. You shouldn't see your posts as some sort of benefaction.

Maybe you did and maybe you didn't help, why do you need to know? So you get a warm fuzzy feeling? Isn't it enough that you might have done good?

Seems to me you just want validation.

It’s really not a question of other people’s lives being entertainment, @MartinAynuss - certainly not for me. I just rarely feel I’ve done any good or actually helped in any way …

If someone has said what I’m thinking i don’t add to it anyway as what’s the point?

generally I think the posts help others tho if not the original op. I’ve certainly learned all sorts from threads I don’t start

It isn’t the same. If your real life friend is sitting next to you talking about and asking for your advice on their problem, they are specifically involving you and requesting your support. And they should show gratitude for the time they requested from you and whether it helped. When somebody on the internet posts an open thread, they are simply providing a platform for those who feel they have something they want to say to engage if they want to. Unlike a friend, who isn’t really giving you the option, responding on the internet is entirely optional and comes without strings - in both directions: if the OP returns and responds to you, you’re under no obligation to read that response or give anything more.

I feel the same, @ItsSappingMyEnergy - and have specifically thought today that it might be better if I just stopped. I like feeling useful (and used to be paid to be right), but I’m recognising that almost all the words and energy expended here are pretty much wasted.

Which leaves me with no safe threads except The Archers!

You are not owed an explanation or an update. Other peoples lives are not entertainment.

When I open a thread I click see all on the OP and if they've not returned to the thread after 24 hours they probably won't.

Why have you felt it necessary to name change? I doubt if anyone's advice on here matters enough to make any difference whether they stay or go. Of course if you're expending energy with insufficient reward for you, you're free to stop doing it.