AIBU to stop posting and giving advice on mumsnet

People in real life who we are personally close to often don’t take advice either. Mostly because they are fearful of the outcome or change in the dynamic that advice will bring.

When I was a teen my BFF was with a raging abusive narc and she didn’t leave for ages in spite of tonnes of good advice from all of her friends. She loved him, it was as simple as that.

Why would online people take advice from random strangers when people in real life don’t follow advice from trusted friends.

Advice I read on here is a mixed bad, plenty of poor advice is given and posters who give it have limitations, same as the rest of us, on their appreciation of the situation, an example might be a child with SEN where people who have an axe to grind because they don’t like the kid with SEN in their own child’s class.

I personally use MN to get different perspectives if I’m looking for advice and then I follow my own instincts.

I certainly don’t think that others have the responsibility to update posters on a thread. it is nice if they do but it is not a requirement.

This. Mostly I don’t go back to threads I’ve posted on unless I’m quoted. And sometimes not even then.

In real life there are potential repercussions for me with regard to the advice I give. If I tell my sister to LTB she might pitch up on my doorstep, or if she doesn’t I might get frustrated every time she had an argument with her DH and hasn’t taken my advice, and I don’t really get to opt out of that without ruining our relationship.

On MN, I choose which threads to read and interact with where I think I’ve got something helpful to say. I truly do not care in most cases whether the OP takes my advice or not, the point is I’ve suggested something that might be helpful and they can choose if they think it is or not.

On the holiday/paddleboarding thread mentioned above, the OP might have taken the advice and blown up her marriage and friendship while on holiday with her children. It’s absurd that you would think that in that scenario she should prioritise some strangers in the internet who might have just encouraged her to ruin her life as she knew it to give them an update like it’s a reality TV show. It’s people’s lives, we can all choose how much to engage. If you can’t do that without expending too much emotional energy, then yes, log off.

You are massively overinvested OP. The posters owe you nothing. They are not demanding or asking you for your time. You are seeking them out to offer your advice. They are under no obligation to act on it.

You don't really know what is going on with them/ the complexity of their inner life or even if they are genuine.

They may leave the thread due to attacks from other posters that they don't have the resilience for.

They may post to vent but there is no real solution to their life problem that anyone can come up with, though you will never know this as you only know what post, and you don't know how accurate that is.

Its unreasonable of you to post expecting a neat narrative to run its course wiht the closure of a tidy ending.

Whatever issues you have in your own life that is making you think like this, you need to deal with that rather than expecting posters on here to fill an unmet need in your own life.

I post on here under a lot of names, I’ve posted about DV, Divorce, Court, my ex being an arse, single parenting, money troubles, cancer, you name it.

Generally I post on here, not for advice, but because I need somewhere to speak about it. IRL people often aren’t interested after the initial flurry of stuff and my family are generally not supportive, so occasionally at 2am when it’s all too much I post.

I don’t really want advice, I just basically want someone to hold my hand, but I do try to acknowledge posts.

What stops me going back to things is often the fact that someone will deliberately misread the OP and starts having a go, or picking at aspects or finding one thing and homing in on that and perhaps it doesn’t feel like that to anyone else, but when you are fragile and unhappy, harsh words can be the bit that tips you over the edge.

Also, there is a lot of LTB advice. I think if you get a huge thread where unanimously everyone tells you to leave, and you don’t, it can be really hard to come back and say “oh we made up”

On a personal level it would be nice sometimes to hear what happened, but I think that advice is taken on here, but RL gets in the way of keeping everyone informed

but to feel a need for an explanation or an update is different to wanting to hear all is ok

They are the same thing!

Some posts on MN are literally (and I mean literally) 'life and death' pleas for help.

It's natural to want to know the outcome.

Sadly, as a long term user of MN for around 20 years I've become more and more sceptical that many posts which appear dramatic are not genuine.

Yes of course but that is a choice

but to feel a need for an explanation or an update is different to wanting to hear all is ok

some seem to struggle to accept that are not owed anything back

and honestly those who seem to get very invested so often turn when their demands are not met or they are not thanked (not saying this is the case with the op)

But by posting in the first place, you're showing investment.

I agree with this

it’s our choice to become invested or not. At times I have wanted to hear that they have left or got legal advice etc but I am not owed an explanation or a thank you and have no idea and there could be many reasons why they have not returned

You are not owed an explanation or an update. Other peoples lives are not entertainment says @MartinAynuss

Social media like this is entertainment.

It's not work, it's akin to a hobby.

LOL was that Any Fucker?

Of course posters would have to agree to give her their number.

This!

People post because they need help. If your help comes with conditions maybe you need to think about why exactly you’re posting. A lot of people seem to think that their advice should be taken as instructions to be followed, and get angry when the OP doesn’t do it. You need to remember these are human beings on the other side of the screen. It is very easy to dish out advice from the comfort of your own sofa, far harder to take the right actions when you’re the one actually in the situation. If you want the storyline to progress and provide closure at the end you should stick to novels.

I'm reminded of a Mumsnetter years ago who was quite prolific on the Relationships topic.

She said she'd bought herself a separate mobile phone so she could call Mumsnetters and give them advice.

Now that's what you call overinvested! 😳😳

Advice is rarely welcome or well received. You may have helped someone, you may have entertained a casual observer or foolishly fallen into a spat with someone who hangs out on the net for entertainment. Who knows? It can't be good for anyone's mental health to become so involved with random poster queries. If you think you're being badly affected then stop posting and give yourself a rest.

I think it's just like real life, you can offer an opinion or advice and in real life your friend will do what they do at the end of the day. I think it's nice when ppl offer support and have had similar experiences/problems, I remember the absolute agony of my ex being unfaithful and leaving me with a 3 year old and a one year old and not ever paying maintenance. Even though it was many years ago. I would have loved to have someone say to me it will get better, you are stronger than you think etc. If only one person benefits whether I know about it or not, to me it is worth it. I know MN is for men too but overall I find it supportive and makes me see alternative perspectives.which I value even if I don't agree.

I dont know why people overinvest when you only hear one side, passing on a bit of advice is one thing but people do take on others problems so if you are doing that then yes stop it is not normal

I had some great advice on a thread recently but it was picked up by the Mirror online and the details were identifying so I had to request to have it removed. There are lots of reasons why the OP may not come back.

You've got yourself way too overinvested OP, which can be easily done.

Chat forums are for entertainment, company, information and advice.

They're not work and should never be treated as such.

As soon as you stop enjoying them, it's time to stop posting on them.

None of us are indispensable 🤷‍♂️

I think it’s good to give advice as those with similar issues will see and benefit even if the op doesn’t listen or doesn’t update

I'm starting to feel like all I am doing is letting complete strangers vent at me, listen to my advice, then walk off like nothing happened. I wouldn't put up with it in real life

You wouldn't put up with it?

So if you met a distressed stranger at a bus stop and they poured their heart out to you, you would refuse to give advice because you think you are entitled to a resolution?

Be honest with yourself OP you are either using people’s problems for entertainment or you are using them to validate that you are right, so you can feel good about what a wise person you are.

If you are going to offer help, offer it freely.

Anything else is pretty unpleasant.

@Tutorpuzzle, it’s here:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/radio_addicts/5388469-archers-thread-189-brian-reaps-what-he-sows-in-spite-of-himself-discuss-the-archers-here?reply=146280234

I now feel guilty. I posted a thread with great advice given when my daughter went away to camp for the first time, and she was really upset.. I was in a quandary of whether to pick her up. In the interests of replying to your concern, Actually camp was fine,and the resolution has been, she's come home unscathed, having had a great time.. never updated though that after the worry of what might happen far away was proved not needed.. the worry that she could go into the back garden and fracture her wrist was not even considered.. and should have been! It was an update missed

@Lavenderandbrown I do love a good frugal at Christmas pils thread🤣 I had a good one myself one year.
At one time there were so many posters dreading the cold unwelcome penis sized portion regime awaiting them they said they would all wear a red scarf or something on the motorway to smile in solidarity.

You are looking at it the wrong way , just because someone doesn't say immediately they will take action doesnt mean support or wise word have gone in vain.

I have had some major issues over the last 15 years and mn has been a tremendous source of support but no I didn't take immediate action when people said do x y z because humans are not like that.

I quote MN all the time. I think there is a real wealth of information here. Some threads may be AI or trolls but good advice is still relevant. I can’t remember how I found MN but I do know it was Christmas time and I was amazed at the “frugal holiday at PIL” threads. There is a frugal PIL thread right now and I have a fascination for this storytelling of being underfed cold while bf infant with toddler hanging off my leg and DH doing nothing to help on Christmas Day. I also notice some posters by style and they consistently give good advice and I think…oh there you are Mrs Terry Pratchett! Her advice may not apply to me but maybe apply to someone I know. I have had posters thank me or quote me or directly quote me and I have also had my post slide into oblivion with many others giving good advice. Some really post from the heart and I’m thankful for this clearheaded advice. If only I had MN during my divorce or early years of post divorce dating!

Bring the laugh emoji 😂