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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if this is remotely normal -DM?

61 replies

Playtoo · 19/08/2025 10:00

My DM can be quite demanding and at the weekend I mentioned that I booked a restaurant for a late lunch so we could ‘end the Summer’

DM response was ‘well you haven’t taken me out since Mother day, that was it so why would we bother’

At the beginning of May I took her on (and paid for ) a week long cruise and I pointed that out.

I visit twice sometimes 2-3 times a week and she’s been up for sunday lunch a few times since Mat. We’ve been out at the shops and grabbed an odd coffee as well. In between this I’ve been on holidays for 3 weeks , organised away camps for kids etc and it’s really been all go.

AIBU to be quite pissed off at this attitude. My mother doesn’t want to go for a pub lunch and a glass of wine, she wants a meal and pub afterwards etc so it’s never a couple of hours. Once every 3 months for this type of meal seems reasonable enough to me but am i wrong ?

OP posts:
GiveDogBone · 20/08/2025 18:42

When did she last take you out?

missrabbit1990 · 19/08/2025 15:52

What an entitled, rude woman she is!

Hankunamatata · 19/08/2025 14:02

She is difficult.

You know next time just to respond ok and mo e topic conversation on

Original poster
Playtoo · 19/08/2025 14:01

AmyDudley · 19/08/2025 13:04

I hate that kind of thing, my reply to 'why would we bother' would be 'you're right, let's not'.

If I want to spend time with my DS or DDIL I give them a ring/text and say 'got any free time soon, fancy a coffee/lunch?' and if they are free they'll say yes, and the same goes for them asking me if I want to go to something/ meet for a catch up. They are very busy, I am retired so less busy. I fit round thier plans if possible and no one takes offence or expects to be 'taken out'. I don't think they should take me out, we go out together when we feel like it or when one of us suggests it.

That’s the kind of attitude that fosters a deep connection and respect but it’s not the experience of a lot of parents and children.

I think some parents want their ‘sacrifices’ paid for and spend their time making sure their adult DC are aware of this. Unfortunately this leads to a lack of connection and a transactional relationship and that’s just really sad.

It does make me sad that after all my mother did for us, that we cant enjoy time together but i’ve grown to realise that adult relationships are a 2 way street and that includes the parent/ adult child relationship

OP posts:
Rallentanda · 19/08/2025 13:59

Oh, definitely cancel it and leave her to stew for a bit.

Worth saying if this is a sudden personality change then think about dementia, but it doesn’t sound like it is.

TorroFerney · 19/08/2025 13:42

AmyDudley · 19/08/2025 13:04

I hate that kind of thing, my reply to 'why would we bother' would be 'you're right, let's not'.

If I want to spend time with my DS or DDIL I give them a ring/text and say 'got any free time soon, fancy a coffee/lunch?' and if they are free they'll say yes, and the same goes for them asking me if I want to go to something/ meet for a catch up. They are very busy, I am retired so less busy. I fit round thier plans if possible and no one takes offence or expects to be 'taken out'. I don't think they should take me out, we go out together when we feel like it or when one of us suggests it.

I wish you were my mum!

TorroFerney · 19/08/2025 13:41

Playtoo · 19/08/2025 12:44

To answer some of the questions, no I’m not an only child and although less is expected of my brothers , if she doesn’t get enough attention then she will act the exact same way with them.

She’s mid 70s and on her own with a dwindling friend group. It’s sad as she is vivacious and full of life but she just is a difficult personality

Are you trying to make up for the sadness you feel about her situation by taking her out to try and make her happy. Don’t, you can’t manage another adults emotions, it’s not your responsibility.

TorroFerney · 19/08/2025 13:39

Playtoo · 19/08/2025 10:41

No it’s not being forgetful - she just thinks I am a bad daughter having not brought her out for a meal frequently enough

Show quote history

Well her reward for that needs to be you taking her out a lot less. So I’d downgrade it to coffee and a cake. If she says she doesn’t want to go then you treat her like an adult and accept that, and leave the ball in her court. If it’s just a brew I assume she can treat you?

serms like you have had a bit of an epiphany anyway so keep the momentum going.

shiningstar2 · 19/08/2025 13:15

Wow!! Would you like to adopt me as your mother op. I am very easy going. 😀 In fact I'm available to do a cruise with you at your expense on any date of your choosing. See how flexible I am - prepared to drop anything at a moments notice to do you this huge favour 😁

AmyDudley · 19/08/2025 13:04

I hate that kind of thing, my reply to 'why would we bother' would be 'you're right, let's not'.

If I want to spend time with my DS or DDIL I give them a ring/text and say 'got any free time soon, fancy a coffee/lunch?' and if they are free they'll say yes, and the same goes for them asking me if I want to go to something/ meet for a catch up. They are very busy, I am retired so less busy. I fit round thier plans if possible and no one takes offence or expects to be 'taken out'. I don't think they should take me out, we go out together when we feel like it or when one of us suggests it.

Campingisnexttogodliness · 19/08/2025 12:53

Tell her you are cutting back on spending and will pop round with a cake. Her loss if she declines...

Swiftie1878 · 19/08/2025 12:50

Playtoo · 19/08/2025 10:00

My DM can be quite demanding and at the weekend I mentioned that I booked a restaurant for a late lunch so we could ‘end the Summer’

DM response was ‘well you haven’t taken me out since Mother day, that was it so why would we bother’

At the beginning of May I took her on (and paid for ) a week long cruise and I pointed that out.

I visit twice sometimes 2-3 times a week and she’s been up for sunday lunch a few times since Mat. We’ve been out at the shops and grabbed an odd coffee as well. In between this I’ve been on holidays for 3 weeks , organised away camps for kids etc and it’s really been all go.

AIBU to be quite pissed off at this attitude. My mother doesn’t want to go for a pub lunch and a glass of wine, she wants a meal and pub afterwards etc so it’s never a couple of hours. Once every 3 months for this type of meal seems reasonable enough to me but am i wrong ?

Ask her when she’s planning to take you out!
CF.

Original poster
Playtoo · 19/08/2025 12:44

To answer some of the questions, no I’m not an only child and although less is expected of my brothers , if she doesn’t get enough attention then she will act the exact same way with them.

She’s mid 70s and on her own with a dwindling friend group. It’s sad as she is vivacious and full of life but she just is a difficult personality

OP posts:
SophiaSW1 · 19/08/2025 11:22

Dinner’s off! Never reward bad behaviour in children or adults!

Redshoeblueshoe · 19/08/2025 11:18

Your DM is cheeky. I have 2 adult DC. I would never expect them to take me out. We do go for meals, but we either split the bill, or sometimes one of us treats the other. But it is not all one way.

wfhwfh · 19/08/2025 11:10

And agree with the PP who say that - with certain people - the more you do; the less it’s appreciated.

wfhwfh · 19/08/2025 11:09

She’s trying to get an emotional reaction. I’d just say “That’s fine if you don’t want to go - it was just an offer”. And make clear you’ve accepted her refusal. I would certainly not take her for lunch after that ungracious response.

In fact, I wouldn’t tolerate that churlishness from a teenager - so an adult should not get away with it. Especially if you’re the one always footing the bill - her contribution needs to be good company. And she’s certainly not contributing that!

Macaroni46 · 19/08/2025 10:59

My mum was never satisfied no matter what I did. I was always the bad daughter. In the end, I stopped trying. It actually made no difference! Wish I’d pulled back years before.

Phoenix1Arisen · 19/08/2025 10:57

Playtoo · 19/08/2025 10:41

No it’s not being forgetful - she just thinks I am a bad daughter having not brought her out for a meal frequently enough

Show quote history

In that case, you would be perfectly reasonable to tell her that since she chooses not to remember all your small kindnesses, you're going to give up doing them. Her choice.

I'm pretty sure it was the late, great Shirley Conran who said that sometimes the only way to show what you do all day is to stop doing it!

Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 19/08/2025 10:52

Playtoo · 19/08/2025 10:41

No it’s not being forgetful - she just thinks I am a bad daughter having not brought her out for a meal frequently enough

Show quote history

😯 That's awful. Do you have siblings?

DiordreBarlow · 19/08/2025 10:48

You sound like a lovely, giving and generous daughter.
She sounds very hard to please and I agree will always want more however much you give.
Is she very old OP?

BlueMum16 · 19/08/2025 10:44

Playtoo · 19/08/2025 10:41

No it’s not being forgetful - she just thinks I am a bad daughter having not brought her out for a meal frequently enough

Show quote history

Are you the only child?

My DM is the same with me but I have siblings that get away with doing nothing at all

I've started doing less specific stuff and just invited DM on stuff we are doing if she wants to be included.

LadyDanburysHat · 19/08/2025 10:43

I would honestly cancel. She can sit at home and stew. I would not put up with the attitude of why bother.

Original poster
Playtoo · 19/08/2025 10:41

Phoenix1Arisen · 19/08/2025 10:10

Is she being forgetful about other, everyday things or is she the type to get a bee in her bonnet and then genuinely overlooks stuff?

No it’s not being forgetful - she just thinks I am a bad daughter having not brought her out for a meal frequently enough

OP posts:
Original poster
Playtoo · 19/08/2025 10:40

Cadenza12 · 19/08/2025 10:13

I think that with your mum nothing is ever going to be enough. You're doing far more than most people. Make your life easier and do what fits in with your lifestyle. I certainly wouldn't bother with this lunch. You're never going to get her thanks or appreciation.

That’s kind of what I have been doing these last few months - she has more ‘fit in’ than he prioritised and I think she’s probably reacting against this. I realised on the cruise that nothing would ever be enough so although I still give her lifts, visit , invite for lunch etc, I don’t try and make pieces of myself to take her out for lunch etc.

OP posts: