To wonder if this is remotely normal -DM?

OP - or all the PPS? - have you got any Flying Monkees in your Mum’s life who encourage her with this mindset? Who will back up and support her attitude even when she’s in the wrong and you’re trying desperately to make suggestions that will improve her life but that she flat out refuses to listen to?

I shouldn’t worry about your life being less busy, seems to me your mother can fill it up all by herself.

This, OP, and the fact that you are not responsible for someone else depression. You can signpost and suggest, the rest it up to her.

However, look at the bigger picture. How she’s been throughout her life, this is probably her general mindset, you can’t fix that either.

I’d defo consider less contact, it must be so draining!!

Wow! Just wow. So entitled. I am happy if any of my grown up kids think to buy me a bar of chocolate, not because they are mean but because it's the thought that counts 😊

Just reply with 'Yeah, why DO I bother?' And don't invite her again. She sounds horrible.

But that’s not for you or the op to manage. You can’t “nice” someone out of depression.

Hmm some vicious responses here. All I'll say is those sound like the words of a depressed person. Retirement can be boring after a full life, boredom leads to depression quite easily and a lack of confidence kicks in. Combined with sometimes embarrassing physical problems (incontinence, common in older women) sometimes the easiest way to regain some control is whingeing or refusing.

And yes, I have a miserable older person in my life too.

No, I don’t think it’s normal for older parents to feel this way. Well, it’s not my experience. My parents and PILs all have said at various points that they remember how hectic life can be when children are still living at home and they all prioritize that. Sometimes they even help. Partly because it’s best for their grandchildren, partly because they know we don’t have so much time, partly because they’re not selfish individuals. They all expect to see us and be seen; but they also all would die of shame to have us pay for them as they all see themselves as still the parents/grandparents, and they know that nothing would be gained by centering themselves other than being left out in the cold. My MIL tried it once or twice when her GDC were very young, but she soon gave up when she saw that we just didn’t pay attention and got on without her.

I mean….my mum would never have this kind of expectation. It sounds like you do a crazy amount for her, especially if she isn’t even grateful. Do you actually enjoy her company? You know you don’t have to do anything at all right?

“You can invite me out too, you know, mum?”

My mum is shall we be kind and say demanding and it is bloody hard work and frustrating so I totally understand OP. This is my mum...I want an outing. I never go anywhere ...said with such venom a rattlesnake would run!! Now this is true what she says she never does go anywhere but that is all down to her and not for the want of trying on my part. I will gladly take her anywhere she chooses but she is so impaired with her mobility it is impossible with out aids to help acheive this. She cannot walk more than a few steps. For years I have bought various wheelchairs and offered to get her a mobility scooter then she would have freedom to do and go exactly where she pleases but no,,again such venom she positively spits at you with nastiness I am not using them..and she will not. She has given up her freedom to sit in a bloody chair upsetting the rest of the wider family who do want to take her places and enjoy her company just for the sake of being awkward. I have had 20 yrs of this crap with her and now I think ok mum you won't help yourself sit in the chair and wait to die. She has upset us all so much and genuinely enjoys doing so , so let her. She could and would have a lovely life with us all, a life she herself wants but she will not bend. I am not looking like other people in wheelchairs ...ok mum but I would take a look they are living! So now I offer nothing and don't waste my time. She loves it when everyone is begging her to come I know this and I also firmly believe she hates being left out but what can we do? She too knows it hurts us and she seems to not so secretly enjoy that. We want her to join us and enjoy life , she wants to but she isn't going to for whatever reasons she has. Her weird power play is not going to be what a play anymore it is far too upsetting.

It’s taken me 64 years to to realise I can’t please my mum no matter what. I wonder if it like that for everyone- impossible mums. And I’m not going to get on to all the comments about weight!

I agree with others. The only reply you should be giving her is “no problem” and then drop it.

Don’t mention it again. And let her stew.

My gran is like this. She recently went on a long rant about how no-one takes her anywhere. She is mobile, gets the bus to town regularly (right outside her door) and has 6 children living within a 2 mile radius- 2 of them have very poor health but between the other 4 they take her somewhere most weekends. My auntie produced her with a list of everywhere she had taken her in the last year (many meals, theatre, museums she requested, a holiday to spain ffs etc) and hasn't bothered since. This is the attitude you need.

@Playtoo - It’s clear from your posts that you have gone above and beyond what most offspring would consider reasonable to support a parent. Your DM should be really appreciative of your efforts, so IMHO if she complains that it’s not enough, you should just say ‘okay then, I’m going’. Never think that you are responsible for her social life and happiness.

She's a nasty ungrateful bitch.

Drop the rope OP.

What a lovely daughter you are. She clearly feels that she can be as rude as she likes to you and you will have to put up with it.

I think I’d stop worrying about big events planned for her and just invite her to things that suit you.

Say ok let’s drop it - and let her stew.

You have had your warning bell OP, I would slowly and deliberately start pulling back now otherwise the demands as she becomes more elderly and infirm will ramp up.
Of course dependent DCs have to be your priority. When she starts up with this nonsense again, I would start saying things like “Have you seen Irene recently, you two used to be close” or “There is an afternoon group at the church you could go to” or “Mother I think you should go to the doctors and get your memory tested as you seem to be forgetting the cruise I paid for and went with you on a mere 4 months ago.”

I could have written the exact same response! We have to remember that our children are much more important to us, than we are to them. Be thankful that they choose to spend time with us, but never ever expect it, or try to guilt them into visiting.

My father was like this. Nothing was good enough. When he commented that my last effort was ‘hardly worth bothering’, I smiled and said okay and never bothered again. I never regretted it.