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Original poster

How would you feel about this?

35 replies

SummerGal21 · 19/08/2025 05:27

I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year. I am 30, she is 30 next year. We live separately, about 45 minutes away from each other.

She has been renting a flat for the last few years, it is a housing association one so a bit cheaper than privately renting in her area, and she works a full-time job.

She has been having some issues with some new neighbours that have moved in, so was planning on giving her notice and moving out back to her parent’s house. However, it has now come to light that the new neighbours are probably going to move out again soon due to a relationship break-up and losing their jobs, they have also been threatened with eviction because of their behaviour and complaints against them.

I had a discussion with her, about whether this would influence her decision to move out or not, if they no longer lived there. She said that yes she would probably stay at her flat if that was the case. The topic then come up again a couple of weeks later, and she said that no, she had decided to still move out and back to her parent’s house in a couple of months time. The reason she gave was that she basically wanted more money to herself and to “treat herself” every month.

Now, this is where I feel a bit uneasy.

She doesn’t earn a massive amount (around £1700 on a basic month, £1900 on an enhanced month) but she has managed to afford the flat for 2 years on her own now (since her ex-partner moved out) and has savings to fall back on if needed. If she was moving back to her parent’s house to save money for something in particular - say to buy a property - then fair enough, but I just feel like that is basically a nearly 30 year old adult saying that they don’t want the responsibility of financing an ‘adult life’ and just wants to live with mum and dad to basically just buy themselves loads of new shit every month like a young adult would do? And then what is the plan after living there for a period of time, when basically she would be back in the same situation she is in now but probably paying more in a privately rented space?

How would everyone else feel about this? Is this a bit of a red flag?

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerGal21 · 19/08/2025 08:06

Littleredgoat · 19/08/2025 06:54

How are finances when you go out? Dating is expensive, it may be she's ok with the flat but she's struggling to keep up with you?

Have you spoken about moving in together? She may be looking forward to that- try and save some money for a deposit?

I think you need a chat to find out what her goals and plans are

We don’t go out a lot, but when we do - I mostly pay - so no worries there about keeping up with me financially. I have a place of my own and a child, so I won’t be looking to live with someone for years - she is aware of that so no deposit to save up for. I have sort of breached the subject of what comes after and she doesn’t really say much which is concerning.

OP posts:
ElfAndSafetyBored · 19/08/2025 07:27

I think it depends on what her relationship is like with her parents. And how much they really want her back with them. If you are only in your 30’s, then they might only be mid 50’s. Do they really want her there now it’s not an urgent issue? How well will that arrangement work in reality?

But if they need support now or in the near future) then it could be a great thing.

I would be worried if I were you that you are her back-up plan, especially if you don’t want that.

Also would you feel comfortable staying over at her parent’s house or are all dates to be at yours? That might feel like the first step towards living together.

Strugglingtodomybest · 19/08/2025 07:26

A red flag for what?

I wouldn't like it though, I'd feel the same as you. I want an independent partner, not someone who still lives with their parents and leaches off them.

TheBestWasYetToCome · 19/08/2025 07:20

THisbackwithavengeance · 19/08/2025 07:06

She’d be mad to give up a secure tenancy in a HA. They’re like hens teeth aren’t they?

And bless those posters who couldn’t live on £1700 per month. Plenty do.

I agree with you OP. A 30 year old moving in with her parents because she CBA to run her own life is pretty pitiful. Is she angling to move in with you?

I didn’t say I couldn’t live on it, I said I wouldn’t want to. I hope my adult kids live with us for as long as they like after uni and make the most of saving while they can. Life is far easier if you start in a good position. This woman is sensible to go back to her parents, she has savings so she does save, now she’ll be able to save more, good for her. Maybe she wants to buy her own house rather than live in a HA house. There is no reason for OP to see it as a red flag, unless there is more than they’ve said here, but of course, they are free to end the relationship if they feel it is.

healthybychristmas · 19/08/2025 07:16

I wouldn't respect anybody who didn't want to be independent and who would give up a housing association place knowing how lucky they are to have one. I would also think that the next place she would move into is yours where she thinks you can look after her.

Ollybob · 19/08/2025 07:13

If she gives up the HA property there's no way she'd be able to get another for many, many years even ever.
The only other option is stay with mum and dad - are they willing to have her back? or private rent which will cost a lot more.

THisbackwithavengeance · 19/08/2025 07:06

She’d be mad to give up a secure tenancy in a HA. They’re like hens teeth aren’t they?

And bless those posters who couldn’t live on £1700 per month. Plenty do.

I agree with you OP. A 30 year old moving in with her parents because she CBA to run her own life is pretty pitiful. Is she angling to move in with you?

SparklyGlitterballs · 19/08/2025 06:55

Your response to her should be "how much extra money would you have each month, as surely you'll be paying your parents towards rent and bills?" Living with her parents for a while isn't so awful, but if she's going to be completely freeloading off them and giving them nothing, then I'd find that a very unattractive trait.

Littleredgoat · 19/08/2025 06:54

How are finances when you go out? Dating is expensive, it may be she's ok with the flat but she's struggling to keep up with you?

Have you spoken about moving in together? She may be looking forward to that- try and save some money for a deposit?

I think you need a chat to find out what her goals and plans are

TheBestWasYetToCome · 19/08/2025 06:48

I can’t say I blame her, I wouldn’t like to live on £1700 a month. She says she wants more money to herself AND to treat herself so that could easily include saving for the future. You say she has savings already so presumably she will continue to save even more with less outgoings when living with her parents. I don’t understand why you’re presuming the worst of her.

Have you talked about getting a place together in the future? If that’s the plan and you have concerns about her not being financially responsible when you live together, then you need to talk to her.

I think you’re more of a red flag, you haven’t been together that long so it’s not really any of your business, and from what you say, she is financially responsible anyway, paying her bills and saving, yet you still seem critical of her.