To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

I haven't read all your posts. I was only responding to the "so you would tell your parents what to fo in their own home" one.

When people come to stay i ask them what they eat. I then tell them what i have brought. Then i say if you want any thing i havent got bring it with you. I dont drink but i provide booze if they want anything i dont have they can bring it. They can also eat as much as they want because i hate waste. They must know their eating habits are making you miserable.

I think the thing is, at least for my PIL, their beliefs around food, and the moral superiority of eating as little as possible, are honestly some of their most deeply held tenets. They talk about it constantly (and yes, that is very dull!). So it's not just bringing up a practical matter, it's broaching one of the very most sensitive subjects they have.

While I absolutely accept that this is not universal or perhaps even the majority of any generation, I absolutely do think there is something generational and cultural about this particular attitude. Reading Roald Dahl to the kids I was so struck by the absolute venom with which he describes any sort of 'gluttony': taking more food than you need is just about the worst sin you can commit (the only thing he hates as much as people who eat too much food is beards!). I absolutely do think some of this can be traced back to war time, rationing, and enduring food being short and so anyone taking more than their 'fair share' taking away from others.

It would have ended when she was a toddler/pre schooler if she was born in the early 40s! She must have a great memory

Rationing didn't end until mid 50s

I was raised with a lot of tension and extremes with food, either there was nothing or too much, lots of guilt but then also bonding through food. It was a mess.

I still comfort eat and I love eating big portions of food alone. I can't enjoy it the same with people around because I think they're judging me, even when I'm eating a big salad and healthy stuff. When I was a teen my mom would say things about me eating too much, or "oh is that your 2nd tea?", not remembering that I didn't eat breakfast, wasn't regularly given money to buy lunch at school, wasn't allowed to make a sandwich to take because the bread was for her boyfriends lunch... so yes I was hungry after school and I'd try cook and eat quickly as possible before she got home from work. Some days if she got home early I just wouldn't eat because I couldn't bear the comments from her.

It's extremely hard to not sink into old patterns around parents like that who have trained you from childhood to avoid their reactions.

I'm a mess lol. Keep your children away from people with food issues please! I'm pregnant with my first and I'm hoping she'll be OK. I won't have her around people that make her feel guilty for eating, and I've found it easy to make healthy food or treats for my nephews and neices, while being neutral about it, so fingers crossed 🤞

My parents were born in the 50’s, my grandparents the 20’s & 30’s. My mum and dad were from poorer working class homes but my parents and grandparents were all determined to feed visitors! It might not have been particularly expensive or “shop bought” (which was code for posh) but there would always be homemade baking & massive pots of stews & soups at my grannies & my parents would be horrified if they thought we were hungry! Visitors would always be made pots after pots of tea and slabs of cake.

Have to gently stop parents buying in things we liked as kids when we visit (it’s ok dad we don’t need Ribena any more 😂)

if you are ordering a shop though, you really need to be clear why. And that if you come again do they want you to arrange a delivery for the day before, and what is the best time.

So if they say "no" you can just leave "the next time" open ended and just send your DH.

Every time we went there I cooked and brought food she got stink with me.

The OP's PIL are not your parents.

I haven't said they must go for Christmas, but if the problem has not been discussed, it's neither fair nor pragmatic to assume that the only solution is not to visit again.

if they weren't feeding us enough? for sure. And then i would make sure that any subsequent visits included enough food. (i always offer to pay, they always refuse and always lay on a huge spread anyway)

Not speaking up when your own children are hungry? whether they are ILs or parents is lazy useless pathetic parenting.

Oh FFS I have zero patience for that kind of crap. DH needs to grow a pair and stick up for his hungry and miserable family. And I certainly wouldn’t be spending Christmas with them, life is too short!!!!

Good rent a cottage if you can with a fireplace.

The op has an option she either books a holiday away for Christmas or she puts up with their judgement. She has two options a good or a shit Christmas. The op has already mentioned they have tried bringing food and even mentioned a B&B. I know which one out of the two I would prefer a Christmas away sipping alcohol and eating plenty of food. They can visit other times of the year or he can go alone. The problem is ops husband sees nothing wrong with it and wants a peaceful time. She's at a loss already.

My ILs are the same, OP. The problem is it's not just ignorance - not just that they don't know we'd like to eat more - it's that they actively think it's morally superior to eat less and to never, ever risk wasting a scrap. One of the things that annoys me is that they're very critical of my own parents, who are very generous hosts (or, as they would see it, waste food and enable greediness). They are much better with the children, though I suspect that if mine weren't both boys ('growing boys' seems to be the one category of people who are accepted to need food) it might be much worse. They are otherwise nice people but have some very deep-seated food issues that they're, realistically, not going to overcome in their 80s. We have shifted much more and more to them coming to us rather than the other way round, and while I have to bite my tongue as they gasp dramatically at how much food I've made, I find it much easier to handle with some sympathy and generosity of spirit when I'm not hungry!

They're not boomers though - boomer year range starts in 1946.

Also rationing continued long after the war.

DH's aunt's first memory is WWII ending when she was 3 - it was a pretty momentous thing, I'm not surprised it stuck! I remember my brother being born from the same age and he was a much less important world event...

It would have ended when she was a toddler/pre schooler if she was born in the early 40s! She must have a great memory.

@Merrymouse I know I would.

Unless I didn't like my adult DC nor GC and wanted to make it so unpleasant they didn't visit I'd be mortified people were suffering in silence like this and I'd be genuinely horrified if they thought my ego was sopo fragile it couldn't cope with being told they need something !!

Mortified.

When it comes to feeding my children I’m afraid offending people just doesn’t feature. Why are you letting them go hungry just because you’re afraid to speak up? That’s shit.

Blunter than I'd have put it but this in a nutshell.

If you aren't giving your children enough food you are neglecting them.

Your children's needs are more important than your in laws feelings.

@Octavia64 to me it sounds the response was because her control was being challenged

Absolute nonsense! My mum was born in the early 1940s and remembers the war well and she’s early 80s!

DH is a tall, large man with a large appetite. But he just wants a nice time, no conflict.

You need to start causing conflict with him and tell him unless he speaks up you and the children won't be going again. He needs to tell them that you need much more food and growing children certainly do.

One crumpet each for tea and who the hell cuts fairy cakes in half?

I'd insist on staying at home for Christmas too.