To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

You are so lucky not to get it!

@TheUnusuallyQuerulentMxLauraBrown Loved your comment! I laughed aloud at the bit about silently sucking your way through a packet of crisps.

Ie we understand you've got a sensitivity to this but we need more food. It's non negotiable

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If they want to have guests over then they have to be more thoughtful hosts. It sounds like they are very set in their ways and are incapable of considering anyone else's desires or needs.

I would not care about offending them given what you have described. For starters, they have no reason to be offended--they should instead take it as a hint that are being thoughtless hosts and neglectful grandparents. Bring the food that you need if they are unwilling to provide and/or limit visits. The mere fact that they get offended over this just shows how everything is somehow all about them.

When it comes to things like Christmas, I'd draw a major line. It's your holiday too, not just theirs, and it should be a time of joy and celebration. Honestly, I would not be willing to spend any more Christmases with them.

If they can't figure out how to treat guests, people will not want to return. I would not feel obligated to continue spending your holidays this way. Why should they matter more than you or this time with your children? A relationship is a two way street.

My parents used to pull this. We would show up for Christmas and there would be sense of festivity. No effort to make anything special. Certainly no great food. We would get there a couple of hours before the meal and if I asked for a glass of wine I was told, "Not until the meal!" Eventually we realized that this was THEIR Christmas only, not ours, and certainly not the way we wanted to celebrate it, so we stopped going.

Christmases have been so wonderful, happy, joyous and festive without them ruining it for us ever again.

@TheRealMagic that still doesn't mean it shouldn't be broached. Sometimes people need to be reminded others feel and think differently but around food and being fed it's quite essential

My dp were war babies 1930s and some other relatives still alive. They are/ were generous to a fault.

My pils are boomers and very mean with food as well but I'm wondering now if something else is going on because they have to control every aspect of their lives.

what i don't get is why you do the secret extras thing rather than front up.....why so worried about offending?

Absolutely the same with my folks yet they eat us out of house and home when they stay with us (husband always cooks loads too) One time at theirs, we bought extra meat for a BBQ and mum started to put hers back in the freezer until I said something. We had a growing son as well so until I said something, they would always put bugger all out... They also aren't hard up!

I agree with both of you with the caveat that if you want alcohol at Christmas in a teetotal household where they’re happy for you to drink you should provide your own.

Pil are like this. Also offended if we try to make other plans, offer to cook etc.

I now take secret extras.i give kids a massive meal before arriving and keep a bag of extras in the car to top us all up.

My kids are right on the cusp of underweight and need the food.

Hard disagree on the booze. If someone else is tee total then expecting to drink alcohol in their home is entitled behaviour, particularly if their not-drinking is for religious reasons or because of an addiction.

I somewhat agree (especially if for religious or addiction reasons), but if it's just that they're judgey about it then expecting people to traipse to you for Christmas AND give up the Christmas booze is a bit much.

Some older people not only have smaller appetites themselves but, as previous posters have said, they forget how much growing children and normal adults eat. My MIL used to tell the story of when dh and his brother went to stay with their grandparents for a week. MIL warned her MIL that the boys would eat a lot and was airily dismissed by her MIL - until the end of the first day, when the boys had eaten a whole loaf of bread between them, when she rang my MIL in shock at how much the boys needed to eat! She did make sure that they had enough in the house after that.

My mum was different - we had very controlled portions when I was a kid, partly because we lived in the middle of nowhere, mum didn't drive and there were no shops, so she had to make the food in the house last as long as it was supposed to last - replenishing was not an option. But when we visited with the boys, there was plenty of food, and second helpings on offer. She even horrified my BIL by letting ds1 have a second slice of the hand raised game pie he and my sister had brought as a contribution to the meal. He thought it was way too good for children. Mum ignored his huffing, gave ds1 the extra slice, and wrapped up the rest of the pie for us to take home with us!

They don't like you very much don't bother going over. Why do you?

Hard disagree on the booze. If someone else is tee total then expecting to drink alcohol in their home is entitled behaviour, particularly if their not-drinking is for religious reasons or because of an addiction.
But they should of course provide sufficient food and soft drinks for their guests.

I would order an online shop. If they question why just say well we like different food to you Do the dc never say their hungry?

I think we did everything - ordered shops there MIL still tried to guard food - took kids out for food and ignore upset - bought food back and ignored upset - expalined kids are growing and need more food on repeat - pushed back on negative comments to us and kids - so much so DD1 could as teen push back herself - refused to enage with competative undereating completely ignore it - and have them stay here more and more as kids got older.

Doesn't help Il have four meals a day but don't accept that - supper a thing for them and it's often another meal and not for the kids and me. Anyway they at least don't upset the kids anymore with comments - and do tend to feed them a bit more just took time.

Same here. I was born in 1958. Both of my parents were adults during the 2nd world war. My mum was not at all stingy with food. If anything she had hoarding tendencies, so we were never short of food.

Rationing meant your diet was boring as shit and treats were very limited but it was filling enough - no shortage of calories. Rationing allowed for 3000 calories per person, but more in some cases (miners and other manual labourers).

So it doesn't really explain the tiny portions.

I think it's deeper than that - gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, and it's the one you will visibly "wear" if you indulge in. Food restriction and fasting is broadly practiced across multiple religions.

I can see why OPs husband is struggling to challenge his parents, he'd probably be going up against a core emotional pattern of theirs. However, he's a grown man and a father, so if he wants his family to visit them, that is what he needs to do.

Personally, I would ask your DH to call them (with you present) to explicitly ask them to 1) not comment on the amount of food/drinks your family consumed and 2) provide enough food for all of you or not comment when you buy more yourself. He needs to give concrete examples, for how many pizzas would be appropriate etc.

If nothing changes, I would stop visiting and let them know why.

You'll have to say this is not enough food for my children and buy some snacks. No way would I allow anyone to underfeed my child for a week.

Not RT whole FT but wanted to post to offer solidarity.

I had some wonderful older relatives who were incredibly generous in some ways and incredibly tight in others - the sort of people who would give you a nice book and a satsuma for Xmas but also help you pay school fees for a kid who couldn’t cope in mainstream.

Their food was exquisite in quality (biscuits mail ordered from Betty’s, veggies from the farmers market) but meagre portions - one solitary biscuit per day at exactly 4pm with a cup of tea from a pot.

If I (or my teenage son!) made any moves towards a second biscuit comments would be made re: ‘greediness’ (mostly motivated, I believe, by jealousy, as absolutely everyone present wanted a second biscuit but for whatever reason, upbringing most likely, felt too repressed to admit so).

I’m afraid I resorted to secret eating, taking with me long life items that could be stashed in my bedroom, cereal bars, biscuits, dried fruit etc, just to stave away the hanger. I also found that my elderly Aunty could easily be persuaded into ‘elevenses’ at a cafe, so with careful machinations I managed to steer her towards a suitable establishment at ‘coincidentally’ exactly the right time of day to justify a pastry with a coffee.

Also, ice creams from the beach van and at least one visit to the fish and chip shop per visit - suggested by me and happily pounced on by all.

Looking back I’m slightly embarrassed that I felt the need to silently suck my way through a packet of salt and vinegar walkers in someone else’s spare bedroom but it solved the issue with the minimum of conflict.

They recently passed away in quick succession and have left me an extremely generous sum in their mirrored wills.
I’m off to the house to pick up some sentimental bits and bobs this weekend and top of my list is the wooden napkin rings that sat on the table through all our teeny-tiny meals - I expect them to raise a wry smile from my family in recognition of our wonderful, yet incredibly mean with food, relatives.

nope I am a boomer and my parents were born in 1919. The parents of my friends were slightly younger but not much. I didn't know (and still don't know) anyone who would behave like the Op's in laws.....actually I don't think they ever lost the relish for having and sharing food in ways they couldn't do as children or as adults in war time. My grandmother (mum's mum) was the same.

I’d say, “I have quite a high metabolism and need a few more calories than this so I’m feeling hungry between meals: I’m going to prepare some food for myself to eat in between.” And I’d go to a shop and get some things which need minimal cooking. They need to make sure people have enough to eat - it’s bad manners to not ask people if they’d like more, particularly if the portions are tiny. Who the hell halves cupcakes for adults? They are deciding you don’t need a full one, and it’s their determining of what other adults ‘need’ on such a stingy basis that would bug me. It’s weird control of food tbh.

It’s not something you forget! Also rationing continued for 8 years after the war so my mum grew up needing coupons to buy a set amount of sweeties from the shop and seeing my grandmother with her ration book, collecting her restricted amount of food items.
My late Dad was born in 1939 and said he remembered being in the Anderson shelter in their garden, sticking his head out of it and seeing a B17 fall from the sky. He had a scar on his finger from shrapnel from said event, right until his death in 2010.
He would be 86 this coming November.

I better make sure I bring my own water too because they never offer any refreshments.

Is their tap water not potable @bluesunnyskies or do they hide the drinking glasses?

no but I would tell them what I was going to do if they weren't providing what my family needed. I'd do it politely of course but I'd do it....and if that meant staying in air b and b or hotel nearby, I'd do that too.