To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

I think the point the poster you have quoted was making is that it isn't 'just food' for a certain type. And you can't just 'have a chat about it' with some people. There is no point at which some in laws will just become hospitable, rational, functioning people who will put the needs of their family first when a their son or a daughter-in-law finds the correct string of words to tap into their 'reasonable side'.

There is an awful lot of chatter on here about 'being more assertive' with your in laws, which reveals the inability of some people to see the shades of grey, and indeed the threat that many women face when around their partner's family.

For full transparency, I no longer see my ILs who ticked an awful lot of the food problem boxes on this thread (us packing our own food? check. my husband going out to buy more food when we turned up to empty cupboards? check. you just ate an ice cream = no lunch? check. we had a HUGE lunch you won't be wanting dinner? check. Them eating (and drinking) us out of house and home when they came round to us? check.).

However, the reason I no longer see them is not because I was permanently hungry and uncomfortable having what i was eating scrutinised (I have always been a healthy size 10-14 in the time I have known them), though that didn't help, but rather because of the underlying threat that permeated every aspect of their attempts to control us, and particuarly me (it was particuarly gendered...). I don't think they would ever have assaulted me, but they were generally aggressive people, MIL can only speak in a shout for example, FIL spent a lot of time 'accidently' wacking people as he barrelled around the place, the doors and windows were firmly locked by them and they had the key, they didn't like us having our own car/being able to drive (something we both did late in life).

I completely understand the way that the poster has explained the escalation, and trying to see this as a single, isolated incident of violence outside of the context of the weirdness about hosting, money and food is exactly what allows these situations to persist. You need to believe women's versions of their stories involving their in laws and not try to flatten them into a palatable in-laws/parents = accomodating and nurturing vs violent people = bad/to be avoided.

It's just bad hospitality, if nothing else. As the host you want to be offering too much to your guests, you want to be as generous and welcoming as possible. Always bad if people can't see that their own standards (of hunger, in this case) might not be shared by everyone else. My best friend and his wife don't make us dinner until 10pm (at the earliest) when I go round there and that drives me mad as I usually eat around 6pm.

Aww they've got to bash the British wherever possible, We're the scum of the earth don't forget.

And another thing. If lunch is running late and I am starving I will eat something NOW and I don't care if I only have half a portion of lunch and the host is offended. If someone tried to get in the way of me feeding my hungry toddler then I would lose it bigtime!

Every parent needs to do their best to have NO peculiarities around food in order to maximize their kids turning out with no issues.

IMHO the best way is to simply not make a big deal. Ask if kids are hungry 30 mins before their normal meal times, and assuming they are (they will be!) feed them and don't make a fuss if they leave loads. Offer them healthy snacks regularly. Offer them sweet treats every so often.

Ours don't eat too much, and eat fairly healthily. We never make a big deal about witholding sweets and chocolate, and ours know where chocolate is hidden but never go digging for it, and are quite capable of watching us have a sweet treat without wanting one themselves (because they know there's not some rule in place governing their sweet-eating so they don;t need one now they can have one another time).

Maybe we're just lucky, but we've really tried to make food no big deal at all and (we think as a result) ours seem to have healthier relationships with food than we do.

PILs here are massively increasing the risk of these kids growing up with a weird attitude to food.

Every family has its own peculiarities around food. This can make it very difficult to challenge if you have been brought up a particular way.

In my family we were brought up to eat what was put in front of us, when it was put in front of us. Asking for food in any way was 'bad manners'. No asking for snacks, no asking not to have something (I can't eat egg but would regularly be expected to).

I can still remember how upset and annoyed DM was when DB wanted to get a slice of bread for his toddler DD because Sunday lunch was running late and she was hungry and getting fractious. He was pretty much chased out of the kitchen.

DM wasn't mean with food but she was controlling. But she wouldn't have seen it that way, she just thought she was demonstrating good manners.

Thank you. Your last paragraph was exactly my point.

We have this on the rare occasion we eat with my PIL. MIL will make a tiny jug of gravy for ten people and then get annoyed when it’s used up half way round the table. The one time I went for Xmas dinner they served me what could be described as a junior school dinner portion. It’s just utterly miserable.

They wouldn’t let people eat prawn crackers with the Chinese as apparently it filled everyone up. And half way through a meal she packed away a lazy Susan incase it got marked. She’d been given it by a family member.

Nutcase.

Wow, you’re rude. She was replying to another poster who suggested you order in shopping and cake and puddings etc. But you obviously can’t afford to do that so those suggestions aren’t very helpful.

There is nothing wrong with struggling financially but it does make it harder for you to just order food in if you’ve not go the spare money, and then also your in laws might look at you curiously if you’ve asked them for money and then you buy take aways. Even though it’s their fault you need to order food in.

No one said there’s anything wrong with struggling and needing some help. It just makes “just order in” advice a little redundant.

My BIL is very mean about food. BIL and SIL used to come to ours (uninvited) on frequent Sundays when our DCs were little. We struggled with money and had as much food as money after bills (rent etc) would buy. They would turn up just as I was dishing up lunch and would expect to eat with us. They both worked full time and no DC and never brought any contribution to the meal. So I eventually changed the meal time.

We were never asked to theirs for a meal. If we turned up unexpectedly we were stood on the doorstep. Not even a coffee or tea let alone a biscuit.

One Christmas we asked them to eat with us plus PIL. SIL asked what she could bring. I said mince pies. She brought one very small one each!

We were invited to their place for SILs birthday. Her parents were there and they told us that there wasn't enough cake for us, so not to take any!

Few years later BIL remarried. Brought new wife to ours. It was the same pattern. We have only ever eaten at BIL's 3 times in over 50 years of marriage.

I would choke on anything at his now!

I haven't seen the other thread (no idea how you do this) but based on this, do you think they do offer small portions because they want to ration you and think the reason you needed supermarket vouchers is because you eat too much?
It sounds like they are being ridiculous with what they offer, but I wonder if this also feeds into their notion that you are simply being greedy.

I'd just refuse to go until dh speaks with them and sorts it out. You could just order a supermarket delivery for shortly after you arrive.

I'm sorry if I upset you, you seemed to be very open about your problems. I wonder why they don't provide more food when they know you're struggling? It just seems extra strange.

Oops... sorry I missed that!

There's a problem with that, though @AxolotlEars . The OP started another thread about struggling financially, and asking the PIL for supermarket vouchers.
So that could be part of the problem.

@RisingSunn - I genuinely think some people forget how much food children (and younger adults) need. As their own appetite shrinks, they forget what is normal for younger people. But if they would get offended by being reminded/being told their grandkids were going hungry, that is unacceptable.

If you have spoken to them and there's no resolution, taking action is the only way forward. I personally wouldn't do a thing secretly. I would take action by having a food delivery. "Oh Bill and Barb, we thought we'd contribute by getting in some more food. You know, like treats we all love etc" When meals are served and there isn't enough say "oh Bill and Barb, I'll just get that 10ft chocolate gateau out of the fridge. That'll be a nice treat " At lunch time "oh Bill and Barb to save on you making lunch we thought we would all make our own sandwiches " this wouldn't be weird in my house but it may be too much of a break from normality! Offer your kids fruit, snacks, cake that you've had delivered. Before you go out together say to everyone "Don't forget to pick up a snack"
I feel your pain. We didn't have the same situation with my in-laws but it was around food. My husband tried to address it. He really did. My mother-in-law really couldn't see what she was doing. In the end we resolved not to go around for meals although we'd invite them to meals at our house. It took my mother in law about 2 years to clock it. When she asked why, my husband gently explained why, she totally denied that she did anything awkward.

By saying "we've booked an Airbnb". Do it first, tell them second. You don't need their permission. And if they really insist on an explanation, tell them. "You don't provide enough food for us and if we bring our own you take offence, this seemed like the answer". There's nothing that's going to fix this that doesn't involve you actually just telling them the truth, or just booking the Airbnb whatever they say.

Option 2: take your own food and respond cheerily to their reaction, whatever it is, with "Sorry Jean, but nice though your food is, it's just not enough for us young 'uns!". Then they'll change their ways or they won't, but either way you won't starve.

I'm sorry - but there is no way I would let my young children go hungry - so as not to cause offence.

Your DH is the problem here. He either sorts it, or visits change to a few hour pop in visits at most.

I don't understand how grandparents could sit there, knowing full well their grandchildren have not been fed properly.

One bottle of wine - ooh, you’re having all that

Hideous.

Dm would always cook mountains of food. So the pils’ parsimony was a shock to me - the mean counting of potatoes and the holding-back of half a (small) joint for them to have later. Like other pps’ relatives, it turned out they had a small fortune sitting in the bank (every single penny of which went on care home fees - plus house).

Basically some people enjoy being mean.

Your husband needs to speak up, instead of everyone being hungry.

That was my late MIL and currently DH is the same