To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

Same here. We once hosted a family barbecue, DBIL told us he had barely eaten all week in preparation for the feast DH would no doubt be serving up.

An aunt & uncle had had a light lunch before coming over and were disappointed to only be able to manage very little.

DBIL called them amateurs!

"its teaching children that various unhealthy practices about food (secret eating, limiting food eaten in public and so on)"

Yes, absolutely on this!

I don't think that you have to challenge in a "we are right and you are wrong" way. I also think if it was just adults visiting then they can have more choice over how they deal with it. In this situation I'd be more concerned about making sure the children got the food they were used to at the times-ish they were used to and in the quantities they needed......but also its teaching children that various unhealthy practices about food (secret eating, limiting food eaten in public and so on) are ok. Kids are learning when parents and others are not deliberately teaching.

Sometimes it can seem too big an issue to confront in the moment especially if you understand the background to it.

My DM (85) was brought up in an atmosphere of genteel poverty. Keeping up appearances was the utmost priority. DM also adored her parents (we are seeing how much now that dementia has set in).

To challenge DM on her approach to food (eat what you are given, when you are given it) would be to challenge her upbringing.

We got round this ultimately by not spending mealtimes at DM's except when ordering a takeaway. Otherwise we would host her at our house where we could be in charge of catering.

This all came about after a particularly awful meal which DCs wouldn't touch (understandable, it was quite vile and served very late). After that we promised DCs we wouldn't let it happen again.

I agree completely, @DarklingIlisten - my motto is "Never Knowingly Undercatered".

Yeah I travel with kids too. And obviously there are situations where you need to manage (although I wouldn't go anywhere where none of us could eat a proper meal for a whole week). Not sure about the relevance of the nectarine story, my kids love fruit too (and vegetables), but I still want them to have proper meals. But I still think it's absurd to have to sneak out for a walk to eat some cold chicken when there is a fully functioning kitchen.

But this is just trying to present objections.

Of course you wouldn't stash chicken under your mattress. They aren't house prisoners as well are they? You pop out to "get something posted" etc and grab some pre-cooked chicken and a punnet of cherry tomatoes.

We have travelled with young children a lot over the years and there isn't always someone to "speak to" about the food. You get good at managing it. Actually one of mine is just having an impromptu nectarine on the move, sliced into pieces with a kiddy knife. Lots of mmm and yums going on. It's what you make of it. And honestly, its only a week.

I mean I agree, I'd find a way to say something. Actually, I wouldn't have to as DH would BUT the scenario OP has painted is that she and DH feel it would create more conflict than they want to cause.

yeah I still wouldn't want my kids to eat fruit for a week instead of proper meals. Nor myself. Nor would I want to secretly stash pre-cooked chicken under my mattress in a house with a kitchen and a fridge when all that is required is a conversation.

But why does it have to be flapjacks? One of the easiest foods in those circumstances is fruit. Supermarkets now offer plenty of pre-cooked chicken, grainy salads etc. And even a glass of milk is nutritious for children. If conflict is really an issue, there are plenty of ways to grab a bite that is nutritious without it needing to be cooked on site.

For me, I'd just say something personally, but the situation here seems to be the op feels they can't. But it really isn't a case of conflict or starve. There are middle paths.

Exactly. It's not just about volume. It's about ensuring that they get proper food. Which is also why the flap jack alternative is just rubbish. I dread to think what a week of eating secret flap jacks - with the odd crumpet or slice of pizza - would make me feel like.

It's not really "it must be like this" to want to be adequately fed when staying somewhere, especially when more than willing to sort yourself. It's completely absurd to me that sneaking flapjacks in your room is seen as the solution. (1) it hardly replaces proper meals and (2) it's ridiculous that adults can't have a conversation and need to resort to sneaky snacking in place of proper nutrition. Plus, what does it teach the kids?

You don’t have to put up with shoddy treatment by the in-laws just because you’re related. My ex’s parents were like that so I stopped visiting.

They won’t change so you have to either accept their nonsense or vote with your feet.

Put yourself and your kids first and leave your pathetic DH to it.

I just can’t get my head around thinking that serving a crumpet to a child as their dinner is perceived by ILs as a nutritious meal. No protein, no vegetables, and hardly any calories? Just a minimal amount of processed carbs? Really? DH needs to grow a spine and say something.

No. That wasn't my point. It was to counter the many, many suggestions that she should just order a big shop when she gets there. She can't afford to.

And…who invites people to a birthday celebration, and tells some of the guests that they’re not to have any of the cake when it comes out?!?!

You omitted the fact that OP asked for supermarket vouchers for her birthday. She isn't expecting her PILs to pay for their food, she is asking them for a birthday present that will benefit her whole family, including their son. I assume that they normally buy her a birthday present and she is just asking them for something that they really need.

I'd arrange for a Tesco delivery to come while you are there!

I think this is an interesting one. MIL and mother were both born in 1936. They have entirely different attitudes to food.

MIL was sent to live with her gran in Wales during the war, was the eldest, returning to London aged 9/10 and was the eldest of five. Her parents had little but their Sunday lunches and great grandma's dinners were legendary. I doubt they were hungry but plenty of cheap cuts and probably not much on treats. MIL was so mean with food, she counted food, down to potatoes and commenting if someone had a bigger or smaller chop.

Mother stayed on the family farm which her mother ran with her father during the war as her brothers and father enlisted. An elderly uncle also lived with them. So, one child and the sugar/sweet rations of 7 adults! Not that she ate them. Also an abundance of produce and pig in the larder! Mother grew up as a feeder whilst never over-indulging herself.

As adults neither had a shortage of money but MIL was just mean and wouldn't spend it. Her brothers and sisters are hospitable and aren't like it. MIL has never, in her 65 years in her home, ever invited a friend or neighbour in for a cup of tea or coffee, let alone a meal. When dh or his sisters had a friend round, they were sent home at mealtimes!

My boyfriend's sister tells off their nutty mother in her own home all the time. And my BF despite him being older than her, their silly aunt and various other family members as needed. She's got a vicious tongue and the intelligence to back it up - bf describes her as 'like a blonde Hermione Granger without the magic'.
Some people no matter how old do need to be told off on occasions. My late bitch of a mother certainly could have done with a telling off - instead she physically attacked people who stood up to her ... 🙄

Do all people from your country act in a similar way? That’s bizarre. So if I meet one person from your country I’ve met them all? That’s bizarre

I would refuse to go unless my DH said something. As your children get older it will be unbearable. It’s utterly ridiculous to not say anything and it’s even more ridiculous that they have no concept whatsoever of a normal appetite.

Have the conversation or squirrel a picnic into your bedroom and tuck in when everyone has gone to bed.