To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

I'd bring wine at Christmas and drink as much as I like.

My MIL and PIL were exactly the same and MIL made a song and dance about cooking, but if course, at her house, I wasn't allowed to help. DH and his sisters remember being hungry growing up (all tall). It had nothing to do with money- it was just meanness, combined with MIL disliking and being a poor cook.

Fortunately, the DC were both dreadful sleepers and the PIL didn't mind coming to ours which was bigger and much more comfortable.

Funnily enough at mine they had no problem polishing off seconds at every meal and never said no to a G&T or to us opening a second bottle of wine. I'd go as far as to say they were a pair of greedy piglets who loved to get their noses in the trough.

FIL died years ago now and may he rest in peace; MIL is 89 and frail. DH and his sisters still have no memory of their favourite dinners as children. The sisters left home at 18 for uni and were on different continents in their early 20s. They rarely visit. It's bloody sad and underlines the importance of nurture.

Talking to friends of different nationalities and cultures (Australian, Jewish, Indian, Spanish etc), it does seem to be a thing…

If my DH refused to tackle this, and I was having to take the train as he couldn’t share the driving ( for whatever reason), I would be making this my last trip.

It sounds all so inconvenient. And while he doesn’t want to offend his parents, he’s fine for his wife and dc to be offended by the ‘rules’ - tiny portions, no extras, no alcohol, no AirBNB.

My mum was a bit like this - particularly Christmas dinner. Not just quantities but timings.

She was mid 80s and had forgotten what it was like to cater for more + dementia kicking in.

She’d never refused help and so we took over more and more. We gave her simple one off tasks.

I think she liked it that was and never any upset. Probably not possible in the OP’s case?

What did cause upset was DS turning up v late with raw ingredients for her contribution to the meal. But that’s another story.

Had exactly the same with my in-laws. Barely any food and young kids. With comments like ‘ooh you were hungry’ for eating a normal meal. Stingy as hell with heating too.

I took charge. Bought food from the supermarket when we got there for breakfast and lunch and went out for dinner. Took up a fan heater and hot water bottles. Ignored any comments. I was a mum of young kids and needed to feed them. My husband tried to make excuses for them which were pathetic.

My kids are at uni and the in-laws have died. But I am afraid the memory still irritates me now.

i think i was more irritated as my mum (from an Asian culture known for feeding!) would treat us with so much food and drink and comfort when visiting. So the contrast was huge.

Mum snd fad
We need more food because we're hungry not greedy.. Happy to do the shop. This is what we normally eat.

And then when it turns out there is only one, burst into gales of laughter, make it into a shared joke

I'm sorry but this sort of faux nonsense is ridiculous behaviour. I'd think you were being snide if you started fake laughing at what I was offering.

Be up-front and honest so no-one has to feel they are part of some passive-aggressive game.

I think the only way to solve it is to say to dh you will only go if you get your own accommodation.

Get a Taxi, do a top up shop, and don’t go hungry. If PIL are offended by that, then don’t go back.
Food is a basic human need. They’re being totally unreasonable.

Always fascinated by these situations - seemingly so simple but so hard to address!

Could you innocently ask where the other pizzas are, while helping get tea?

While it should be possible to do the direct and factual explanation that you need to eat more, its often very hard to challenge the premise of the stay so overtly. Sometimes easier to just stretch the assumptions without directly confronting them. "Lovely, pizza and salad, everyone's favourite! Shall I get the oven on? Will this pizza be enough for you and Derek to share? The kids can share one too and DH and I can always give them a slice of ours if they want more, I dont always eat a whole one although DH will". And then when it turns out there is only one, burst into gales of laughter, make it into a shared joke and offer to zoom out/order in the missing pizzas - and then it becomes the time Pam forgot the pizzas.

Or something - I'd try to ease everyone along with me into a new reality of eating more.

Good luck!

I would be blunt and say youre still hungry. If they get offended it’s on them. Not everyone eats like a sparrow

What do they do when they are "offended"? I just wonder if you are worrying enough. With my in laws, who I get on well with but have some strange ways, I would just be completely upfront. "the kids need more food, they have huge appetites. I would actually like some more too, so will go out an grab some more pizzas/ sort dinner etc". I you are just upfront and factual it's up to them if they get offended. Better than starving for a week.

But because he is so conflict averse, no-one is having a nice time because you are all hungry.

They are terrible hosts because they are not feeding their guests propertly but won't contemplate you staying in an Air BnB so you can feed yourselves.

Are they nice people generally or is this just the tip of the iceberg?

Is your DH scared of his parents and their reactions to criticism?

My in laws are the complete opposite.
They go over board.
Loads of food. Happily order in food too.
Large amounts of meals prepped and send with us so we don't have to cook at home.
This is on top of all the snacks for journey home for all 4 of us.

You say your DH is a large man with a good appetite- so obviously he wasn’t starved as a child? His parents should have some memory of feeding him as a child and as a teen.

This should be up to him to sort, but it looks like he won’t. So you are left with 2 choices: put up with it and starve, sneaking in food to avoid offending them.
Or you just rock up with more food and front it out. You know they don’t eat much, but you all need a balanced diet and as you know food is expensive you have brought your own.
If it causes a row, eat up and leave.

I also can't believe the suggestions of treating them to lunch or buying groceries and cooking for them.

They're already doing the traveling and paying for that for a family of 4. To then offer to treat people to a meal out as well! These things are horribly expensive now.

I'm surprised the kids aren't moaning or crying they are hungry. If they aren't now, they will be as they get older.
DH needs to speak up. When you are visiting he needs to say what you want to eat and the amount. If having pizza he needs to say buy two large pizzas.
Do the parents have a car? Can you borrow it when there to drive and get something? Do they live with no shop nearby? Even a small corner shop would have bits in you could go out and get.
Do you stay isolated at their home when visiting? Else you could eat when you go out or you could buy some bits then.

I would have said the same as you….and then I married DH. I could have said that to my parents no issue whatsoever but then again I would never need to, my mum cooks enough to feed a small army. However, DH and his siblings were not raised that way; they had to seek permission for any additional food beyond what in-laws deemed were acceptable portions. My in-laws are lovely people, kind and generous, but they had very set ideas about portion size and would be so offended by any comments.

OP, I really sympathise. We got around it by taking very long walks during the day (via the shops to stock up). Another time we stayed at a Premier Inn as I was concerned that ‘I was coming down with a cold’ and we didn’t want to risk infecting them. It’s joyless. I wish I had a solution for you.

I’ve voted YABU because they don’t worry about offending you, but you’re worried about offending them. Sorry, but I wouldn’t be visiting anyone who starves my kids, intentionally or not.

My PIL were like this.

all of us used to discuss how to get food into the house to feed our kids surreptitiously. They’d get very upset if anyone raised it (mil cried in the kitchen the one time dh dud and FIL got aggressive).

my mum now does it but in her case she is old and just doesn’t adjust portion sizes so when I say “mum I’m younger than you and I need my energy” she does accept it although isn’t overly happy.

it’s a common issue unfortunately.

if you’re travelling by train it’s difficult to smuggle food in or out. I’d recommend:

offering (pref in advance) to treat them to lunch or dinner out and talking about how much growing children need to eat (sets it up in their mind)

can you meet midway for more days out rather than stopping over and then either eat st a cafe or each bring a picnic?

these days if I’m with mum I try to est out once a day which is frankly bloody horrifically expensive but at least I get some decent food one meal a day.

you could also maybe offer to cook for them? If maybe your teen has been learning to cook and is really keen to show off their pasta bake/moussaka/whatever?

similar position here, alongside various other issues, so I simply no longer go. DH is an adult and can visit if/when he chooses. Naturally he doesn’t because he’s a lazy arse and if I don’t organise it he doesn’t go.

On the rare occasion they come to ours, about once a year, I cook my usual offerings (got fed up doing anything special/fancy only for it to be left or criticised) and have a cheese bap and ham offering ready when they protest what’s on offer (chilli / curry / pasta / salads etc all home made from scratch)

I no longer have the energy to care.

Sorry you’re dealing with this Op.

My mum has the opposite problem. If she has guests for a meal she cooks enough for a small country, and has about a million dessert choices. Bless her!

So it happened with one Grotius person you thought all British people are the same?

I had exactly this problem with first in-laws. Eventually I resorted to taking food we could eat in the bedroom unobserved, and smuggled the wrappers, cores etc out furtively in my handbag. Needs to be not too crumbly so it doesn't make a mess. Flapjacks, cereal bars, fruit cake, cheese, bananas, apples, dried apricots, stuff like that. Do you go out and about on day trips? Make sure you stop for lunch/coffee and fill up then, I can't see how they can get offended if you eat while you're out of the house. If they say anything, just say your kids are growing, and perhaps they've forgotten how hungry children get!