To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

My PIL are exactly like this and my partner has this exact dynamic with them too where he doesn’t feel able to say anything. To top it all off, they’ll skip lunch if we’ve had a ‘big’ breakfast (aka one slice of toast and one scrambled egg each…) and do dinner at 8/9pm.

I stopped putting up with it when the kids came along. Now when it gets close to lunch or dinner time and food is clearly not on their minds, I send my partner to the shop for ingredients and cook for the kids, using their schedule as the reason. I then sit and keep the kids company as they eat and make sure I eat with them.

It’s awkward and I reckon they think I’m rude (and a greedy pig) but I just won’t tolerate my children going hungry. It was one thing before they came along for me to see just how long PIL would go without even offering me a biscuit! But I won’t put up with it now children are involved.

Could you try doing similar?

Do this. It's insane to be actually hungry.

So they haven't actually been told that there's not enough food?

I think if you're used to feeding 2 it can be hard to then feed six.

I'd probably need reminding!

If husband won't say anything then you either need to or not go again!

I'm guessing you can't just go shopping or order a shop?

The OP is letting her kids go hungry to avoid offending the in laws. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be hungry because OP would has taken food and just fed everyone regardless if her in laws opinion. Her kids are hungry because neither of their parents will sort this out and buy them food. That includes the OP.

Moaning on here where her in laws can’t see is not the same as actually telling her in laws that there isn’t enough food and sorting it out for her kids.

Perhaps they don't realise how little they eat
You or your husband needs to remind them that the children are growing and need more food. Surely they don't want their grandchildren to go hungry?
Also older people often do lose their appetite but remind them you and your husband need more. It doesn't have to be confrontational or cause any issues it sounds like a normal conversation.

Husband needs to search for his cojones, either to say we need more food or to say you can’t stay with them again, his call. Put on his big boy pants.

No, not a British thing.

H says things like "Hi mum and dad. Stopped at Tesco on the way over for extra food as we eat loads more than you haha!" "Thought we'd do some jackets to go with the pizza dad" "Just going to toast that loaf we bought and we'll have toast as well as crumpets mum" etc.

Can;t you just be diplomatic and say that as you are all getting older and the children are growing that your appetites are huge and just tell them you are going to do a weekly shop/got out for your main meal and buy in for the others. I do understand their parsimonious ways as some people are careful savers. You will find when they go, that they have thousands saved but haven't mentioned it. And, to what purpose you may add? It made them feel secure.

Just stop visiting.

Order a supermarket delivery to arrive at their address a couple of hours after you get there. Tell MIL " it's very good of you to put us up so I think we should contribute something ". Get in the extra bread, crumpets, pizza, cake, crisps and biscuits, drinks etc. If you have bought it you can brazen it out by helping yourself to extra without feeling guilty. If she's not got fridge or freezer space get packets and tins . With a bit of luck they will get the message, if she's offended she'll feed you more in future or if necessary do the same thing every time you visit.

My DM is like this. In her case, it's competative eating and the idea that to be seen to eat a lot (aka a normal portion) is somehow being rude and disgusting. I think she sees it as some sort of badge of strength and self control to moderate your eating. When my DCs were born, she came round every day to help but also to moderate my eating - a bowl of cereal in the morning and a cheese sandwich mid afternoon. Nothing else. If I tried to eat outside of that, I got all the usual horrified gasps and comments - 'Oh, are you eating AGAIN?!', 'I've never known ANYONE to eat as much as YOU are!", "Oh, is that another little snack? And what number 'little snack' is this today?" I had just given birth to premature twins and was trying to breastfeed. Needless to say, I don't see much of her these days (for other reasons as well). She's not going to change and talking to her is pointless, so I limit my time with her.

For God’s sake @Theroadnottravelled, feed your kids. It’s actually bordering on neglect that you’re allowing this.

Go to the shops, buy what you need and eat it. If they say anything then just tell them that you can either eat properly or go home but you’re not starving your kids anymore.

I cannot believe you just sit there and allow this to happen. And how have you not read your husband the riot act to sort this out? Utterly ridiculous.

Sorry, but I can beat that. We were offered one egg and one carrot for our family of four ;-)

I'm sorry, but as a father, your DH's FIRST AND PRIMARY DUTY IN LIFE is to ensure his children are fed. He needs to get over himself. "No conflict" is not an option when his children are preventably hungry for no good reason. And it's not a "nice time" if you're all starving. Put your foot down: he either sorts it out or you don't go.

Omg I would die laughing!

I would make a joke of it. ‘One piece of toast! I can’t live on that! I’m a greedy pig!’ And then go make more toast. If they keep doing it, I’d be super blunt. ‘Look we need more food. So either we bring it and make it or you prepare more. Sorry to be blunt but that’s the way we feel. We are happy to bring it but we cannot keep visiting and feeling hungry’ You can also talk about growing children needing more calories.

A bit off topic, but years ago I was invited to my friend's house for lunch with her family. She told me we'd be having an egg. We did. One boiled egg each. Absolutely nothing else.

If your husband won’t do it then you have to risk offending them! You need to be well fed and for your children not to be hungry. If you can’t insist on their being more food then I would book to stay elsewhere in the area ‘on holiday’ and visit them. If it doesn’t work out then I’d not go again and leave your husband to visit alone; if he’s asked why you don’t go then he can choose to say you’re always hungry!

I don't understand why you put up with it. Can't you just take extra food and insist your DH deals with his parents' 'offence'? There's no way my children and I would remain hungry just because my husband was too weak to speak up for us to his parents. Either take the extra food or tell your DH you're not going.

We had this with my DPs - now too infirm to offer meals which is actually one small blessing- they simply forget how much people who expend more energy need to eat. I remember one time when they had made DS a separate serving of pasta which was also meant to be the adults carb portion. DS saw the small bowl of pasta and tipped it all in his bowl, leaving the rest of us with nothing!

Not so bad for us though as we are an hour away so generally would have been up and down on the same day. If we did stay over we would smuggle in some protein bars and eat them on a walk, or DM would reluctantly accept things to bulk up the meal. I remember when I brought sausages and stuffing for Christmas, she got genuinely so upset because she felt I was cooking too much, but we have a dog so too many sausages is never a problem!

I am not sure how I would handle it in your case as it’s only going to get worse as the DCs get older and their appetites naturally grow. Are you within walking distance of any shops or restaurants? Could you email them in advance and say Jeremiah is going through a growth spurt and both the DCs have huge appetites, so they need half a pizza each as do we adults? Or at least bring along something like a loaf and peanut butter to bulk out meals.

Unfortunately there’s no way to fully avoid conflict other than surviving on meagre rations which isn’t particularly healthy for growing bodies. If you can I would try and handle it yourself as you can do it without being emotionally enmeshed.

WTF!! Why are you and DH subjecting your children to this nonsense! At Christmas too! FFS grow a pair.

As others have said, you need to tackle this now before your dc get to the teen stage!

Honestly, I’d have said to DH after the first visit that he needed to discuss it with them or come up with a solution. If he didn’t, then I would be booking a nearby air bnb with no further discussion.

Tbh visiting them sounds bloody miserable and going forward just tell them that the kids need their own space so you’ll be booking a holiday home nearby but you’ll be sure to see them every day (if that’s their concern). If they get offended, tough shit, they’ve been offending you with their rudeness for long enough.

You definitely need to tackle this now as it’s only going to get much worse as your children get older and start commenting/asking for more food.

I can’t understand why your DH would rather see his kids go hungry than tell his mum you’re going to order a delivery of shopping, which he could do under the guise of making life easier for them “the children like certain snacks, but we don’t want to put you to extra trouble/expense” or whatever.

The one thing you’re BVU about, though, is forcing your kids to endure their ‘hospitality’ at Christmas time. There are ways of putting up with it the rest of the year, but it’d be a cold day in hell before I went along with being miserable and hungry over Christmas just to keep the peace. I’d be telling DH either they come to you or he goes to see them on his own.

Can you make the excuse “the kids are going through a grown spurt, their appetites are much bigger! We need x pizzas for dinner.” Etc. Say it every visit.