To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

I think in such a dire situation I would be tempted to say, "MIL, FIL, a healthy adult woman needs around 2000 calories a day. There's about 200 calories in the piece of toast you offered me for breakfast, 500 calories in the slice of pizza and salad I had for lunch, and 200 calories in this crumpet. That means that so far today I have a calorie deficit of 1100, and I'm not trying to lose weight. Perhaps you don't realise how unusual your eating habits are, but you are not feeding us enough. I don't mind ordering a takeaway to fill the gap, but I really do object to you not feeding us enough and then getting offended when we take matters into our own hands. I'm not going to just sit here and go hungry in order to avoid conflict. DH might be happy to do so but the children and I will not."

Similarly for alcohol (the person who mentioned the comments about a bottle of wine) I'd say, "NHS guidance says no more than X units a week for a woman and Y units a week for a man. This bottle is 10 units in total and DH and I are sharing it over several days. It is a perfectly reasonable amount of alcohol for two grown ups to consume, and I would appreciate it if you would stop commenting on it as though you think we are alcoholics. It's rude."

@Figcherry has nailed it. Doesn’t need to be uppity or create tension (from your side). It’s actually just a fact that you all need more food so you will bring it. Preferably your DH being breezy and sorting it - as he should imho.

I agree with others. Take food and let them be offended.

But what I would say to your DH is something along the lines of getting him to reflect that he can’t be honest with his parents for fear of offending them. And then ask, does he want his own children to feel that way about him? Because what they see right now is a dad not standing up for their needs, and as they get older that creates distance and distrust. Is that what he wants long term?

Don’t over egg it. Say it once and leave him with the thought to process. Let him feel the uncomfortableness about it.

I absolutely wouldn't tolerate this " Keep the peace" bullshit. I would be on his case so hard that broaching the subject with his parents would clearly be the lesser of two evils. It's not fair on your kids. It's miserable for you. Its unnecessary.

Deliveroo whatever you want when you get there

Organise a supermarket delivery for whatever you want, to arrive 2 hours after you doo.

Just Eat takeaways in if they underfeed you.

If they get offended and your husband stays silent, next time ( and every time for the foreseeable future), he takes the kids alone.

They are being miserly and horrible.

Don't stand for it OP. No justice (or food in this case) no peace.

And most people’s response to being spoken to as if they were three would be “Good, fuck off”.

And that, my dear, is what we call a win win. No one in their right mind wants to take such awful, rude, ungrateful people to a restaurant and have their own enjoyment of the meal they have paid for spoiled by petty, passive aggressive remarks.

It's time people like this learned that normal people like to eat and drink a healthy quantity of decent food, and if they don't, that's up to them, but they keep their mouths shut about it and ensure that anyone they invite to their home is adequately fed. This is basic stuff.

I get on wonderfully with my ILs and one of the things I like best about them is that they are fantastic hosts and generous to a fault.

Do they ever come to stay with you?

If so, what is their reaction when you serve normal size meals? Do they comment?

One would think that if they saw how much you eat in your own home (a perfectly normal amount I mean) it might make them wonder about the meagre portions they are providing.

I am pleased to say I have never encountered this problem. All our relatives on both sides are, and have always been, generous caterers.

I genuinely don't understand families that tiptoe around each other and never actually bring up an issue out of 'politeness'. My DH family are like this, so bloody polite all the time and never actually talk about anything substantial. I used to play along but since having kids I don't care anymore, if there's something that needs to be brought up because it involves them then I will, because I'm not having my kids go without decent food. PIL used to be incredibly tight with food until eventually I had to say something and then I think MIL got pretty embarrassed and now ensures there's enough food every time we visit.

If it were my family that did this (which is impossible because they make far too much food every single time 😂) it would be broached straight away without a second thought at least with a joke like 'where's the rest of it' etc, no awkward politeness while everyone's stomach is rumbling. So bizarre.

God you lot are dramatic! OP she isn’t keeping you hungry on purpose. She doesn’t know. Either bring your own food, or plan to go out and eat. Nothing for her to get offended about. People get hungry.

How do you broach it…… be blunt!!

I think that in situations like this you have to let go of caring about whether they will feel offended.

Spot on. I can really picture Derek and Jean ;)

You have a DH problem. It shouldn’t be you bringing this up, tell him to have some balls and step up for his family!!!! Or say you’re not visiting his family again. It’ll only get worse as the kids get older, my DS7 eats like a horse!

I couldn’t live like this! There is nothing worse than being hungry in someone else’s house!!
ni one leaves my house hungry, ever.
if we have people staying, I always tell them to ask if they’d like more or a snack whatever for this very reason!!

If you can't behave yourselves then we will not take you out again

And most people’s response to being spoken to as if they were three would be “Good, fuck off”. If some of you really talk down to and patronise your ils and parents like this it’s little wonder relationships are so dysfunctional. I’d be absolutely mortified to think I wasn’t providing enough food and would want a civilised conversation about it. Some of the passive aggressive behaviour suggested here is going to be beyond ineffective.

I’m genuinely shocked.

Maybe it’s because everyone in my family gets ‘hangry’ when their blood sugar gets low, but there’s no way this situation wouldn’t lead to a confrontation at some point. And a refusal to visit again.

Nope. We’d have packed up and left rather than go hungry, ESPECIALLY with kids involved

@user1492757084 🤣🤣

I can't believe a busy mum of two small DC should have to think of bringing nutrients dense cakes with courgette to feed her DC.

Why not just take those hook vitamin drips for them ? ,🤣

Talk about dancing to their tune, enabling and bending over backwards to make utterly appalling behaviour ok.

I’d be inclined to let them visit you at yours , then you have all the food and alcohol you want. Why should it be down to you as a family to always travel a long way on a train with small children?

Why is there this thing on Mumsnet where it’s (mainly women ) who have to go and visit their husband’s family and put up with hardship?

There isn’t a law that you have to like or visit your husbands family. You didn’t marry them. I didn’t marry my in-laws.

Also so many women seem to be married to men who put up with this behaviour from their parents at the cost of their own family’s happiness.

I wouldnt put up with it . This Christmas say you want to stay home and invite them to yours. Say you want it at home this year. If your husband is too spineless to say anything you stay at home with your kids and let him go. You can eat and drink as much as you want then.!

This seems a bit beyond tightness and a lack of understanding that younger people will require more food. They sound controlling (won’t hear of you staying in an air bnb etc) - that fact that your husband thinks addressing this will result in conflict is the most revealing thing.
I would say address it in actions not words primarily. Bringing food, going out to eat, saying if you still hungry, asking your children if they have had enough to eat…and maybe ultimately not staying there. Don’t ask permission for that, just do it. They are relying on your politeness to control.

My sister in law is like this, eats like a bird. I went away with her once for a weekend, with two other friends. Lovely cottage, I ordered a food delivery and took control of the meals so we wouldn’t starve.

On the last night (Sunday) I suggested a stroll to the local pub for a roast … she looked horrified and mentioned “all the food in the fridge that needed eating up”.

When I looked there were two slices of pizza, a few leaves of salad and a couple of sausage rolls 😳 …. I left her to it and went to the pub.

My Pil were like this- they’d offer the kids a McDonald’s and expect 2 of them to share a happy meal. They served tiny portions and usually food I couldn’t eat, being vegetarian. Then they’d comment that I’m ALWAYS eating. Mil would also give the women much smaller portions than the men. They refused to eat at other people’s homes and would invite us for a ‘roast’ which was really overcooked veg and a few potatoes. If my kids left anything she’d take it off their plates to ‘save’ because my kids ‘waste a lot’. Weirdly, fil would brag to anyone who would listen about what an amazing cook and host mil is.
My mum is the same- functioning alcoholic and eats therefore serves tiny portions. Never eats lunch. When we’re with her she goes on and jokes ‘oh you’re eating AGAIN’ . For context im 8st 5 and 5ft 4 so hardly a massive eater

Don't allow your DH to get out of saying something to them. OP. They are his parents.

Not a British thing or specially an English thing seeing as people are taking about the Irish and Scots.
My DM was northern and similarly always fed us hearty wonderful food with plenty to go around it would be totally against her and in fact df nature to under feed people

I would address this head on.

"MIL, FIL, it is incredibly rude to comment on what other people are eating, particularly when they are paying for it themselves. If you can't behave yourselves then we will not take you out again."

Do they ever visit you and therefore see what size portions you all eat? Or do you eat out and they can see what a restaurant decides is a portion of food?

Your Dh needs to talk to them but if he can't you just need to lay your cards on the table. You eat larger sized portions than they do. I had a friend who could not make me a cup of tea the way I wanted as she said oh I could never drink it like that. Exactly, the tea is for me, not for you. FFS.

If they get offended, let them. They will either get over it or they won't. It isn't like you enjoy going if you know you are going to be hungry. I had a wonderful MIL who was worried about what sized portion to feed me as Dh is 6'3" and built to play rugby so my portion always looked smaller but was plenty for me.