To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

You need to match their energy as the saying goes - or their brass neck.

“Sorry we’d love to see you and stay again but we need to agree some ground rules. We are often hungry when we stay with you and want to eat like we do at home. So we can stay home or in an Airbnb or you permit us to provide and cook the food we’d like at yours at our expense obviously. What do you prefer?” Any comments on your food preferences etc “ well, we’re all different aren’t we? Best change the subject so we all get on”.

Urgh I hate stuff like this, especially the idea that women shouldn’t eat. It’s almost performative, and like a badge of honour, how little some people can survive on. Something definitely needs to be said, but I can’t see your in-laws changing drastically so I’d start driving TBH so that you can take more with you and pop out easily to the shops.

My dad is like this… ‘TWO slices of toast? You’ll not eat lunch!’ ‘Gosh, only half of that for me!’ Etc etc I’m a big eater, but nothing outlandish, I’m a 12/14 but wasn’t pre kids and it’s always been the same. I just dig in and give a harsh reply. (Yes dad, im having a whole chicken breast. You’ll live longer if you follow suit.) My husband gets away with it cos he’s so tall, my dad thinks it’s great he’s eating loads.

Nope - we're all English, my MIL doesn't eat a lot but she stocks up when we see them. Even if we're popping in for a bit on the way to somewhere else, she'll have nipped out and found some nice fruit on a twofer and insist we have some or something! She always has nice ideas for breakfast for my son which is lovely because he can be restrictive about what he'll eat, particularly on a morning, but he always has something tasty at Granny's.

I agree with this poster.

Is your husband not starving too ?
How did he grow big and strong if he didn’t get much food growing up in that house ?
I would refuse to stay rather than put up with the situation you are in.

I agree with PP. Tell DH he either speaks up, or you and DC won’t be visiting again. It’s your responsibility to ensure your children are properly fed.

He sounds like a wet dishcloth. My adult DC would take the mickey, go to supermarket, order food in if I behaved like your PILS.

We had to live with PIL for several months after we were made homeless.

I was breastfeeding and had a baby and toddler so was in the go all day and always needed food!

MIL defrosted all of the glut veg that they had in the freezer from their allotment over the years. So whilst there was lots of food on the table, we were eating things like 3 year old boiled red cabbage and 5 year old unsweetened Apple purée. MIL , I noticed didn’t eat any of it ( or had a tiny portion of it) but kept on serving us great portions of it. It was all edible but utterly joyless food which was not filling and so I was constantly ravenous. I couldn’t go to the shops as I had no transport and PIL live in the middle of nowhere. After a couple of months, I discovered by mistake, MIL had a secret stash of biscuits and sweets!!

Moving into our new house was the best thing ever. We were all relieved.

My parents a bit like this when it comes to meals (very small portions or “we had a big lunch we dont need much for dinner do we”, however they do tell us to help ourselves to whatever we want inbetween meals. Thankfully!)
I would just pop to the shop and get some food if they moan “sorry MIL/FIL but the kids are starving/ sorry but im hungry myself and starting to feel sick as Ive not eaten enough.” If they get offended so what?

What about it?

In our family we wouldn't see a stranger's child go hungry let alone our children. My family feed you until you burst. My DS always had a good appetite and always had to be fed. What on earth is your DH doing that he would see his DC go hungry so he doesn't offend his parents?

As my DGPs got older they ate less but the house was full of food for everyone else and they constantly offered and made more.

I wouldn't go and visit. You can stay at home in comfort, your DC can eat whatever they like and have trips out on the train fare saving.

My father in law doesn't eat lunch (he drinks it) and is very proud of this. For years, every single time we were with him for lunch he'd go on and on about how he doesn't eat lunch, he doesn't eat lunch, maaaybe he'd split something. And then comment on all of our (reasonable!) lunch choices. I let it go for years but once we had kids I couldn't let that continue. I am overweight and have a horrible relationship with food and am determined not to pass that down to my children (particularly my daughter) so I had a very, very clear talk with him that we 'would' be eating our lunch and our children would absolutely have a full meal every single day and I was very uninterested in creating any sort of 'diet' culture for my daughter and if he couldn't handle being around it he was welcome to go elsewhere. Just repeated myself a lot until he got the point.

I think in this scenario I'd put in a big shop to get delivered on your first day and be really clear that you understand that they have small appetites, but you cannot allow your children to be hungry for days. And then just repeat yourself every single meal until they get bored talking about it. Take over all ownership of providing food for your own family. Your husband should be supporting you, but even if he's too scared/worried/whatever about it, your only responsibility is for yourself and your children so you will just have to do what you need to do. Then for future trips, you could ask them what they're thinking about for food so you can match it (if they're doing pizza one night you can buy extra pizzas etc) but for the first trip just do a shop like you would at home - with a bit extra maybe for them - and take over every single meal.

I would have 0 patience for being hungry myself but would lose my mind if my children were hungry so I think you just have to suck it up for the first couple of visits and reset the expectations. Live with the repercussions now or otherwise you'll be in the same situation 5 years down the road.

@Robin67 you come up with a wonderful strategy there to get take aways in and shops but then say...and if they don't like it your DH takes them alone 😱
Why would you strip the DC of their sole champion in such a situation which may see even less food with one less body there !!

Don't say the greedy pig thing. Just no 🙄🤦‍♂️You're not a greedy pig. You just want a decent adult portion of food 🙄

And the rest of that post?

My MIL is constantly shocked that my 2 primary aged children eat more than her, they’re running around all day and she considers a sandwich made with 2 slices of bread to be a ‘big’ sandwich 🤷‍♀️ it gets tiring after a while saying yes, they did eat a whole sandwich.

Just go and buy extras when you are there, bread, wine, do your shop as if you were self catering, buy the stuff you need for meals and cook them, or go out to eat.. completely ignore their bird like eating and comments, and make comments about DH and the kids needing ‘proper food’ if they question it.

i think staying elsewhere would be awkward, but I dont see why food preference has to be a big deal, you shouldn’t be expecting them to feed you anyway!

In the pizza example, I'd give half the pizza to each child and then say "Right, what's fit the adults then?'

I feel quite sad for everyone that the grandparents and the kids aren’t getting to experience the joy of absolutely being spoiled / spoiling your grandkids. We make sure our toddler eats well at home but know the rules go out the window when he’s at Grandad’s / Nana and Papa’s & enjoy seeing pics of him tucking in!

I think the key point here is that growing kids need a lot of food - snacks, a variety of fruit and veg as well as fats like cheese and milk, carbs, and also something for a treat especially if on holiday! Ice cream or a bit of cake to enjoy time at grandparents.

I couldn't let my family or friends go hungry, I wpild have to insist on more food, order it myself, and if it upsets them and they make petty comments so be it

It will be easier to deal with their bullshit on a full stomach

How do they get offended when you need more food, is it like an embarrassment that they see that they’re not giving enough? I can’t imagine having a crumpet for tea!

We had the same problem with my late in laws. Goodness knows how they raised four strapping sons although, dh did tell me that as soon as he started working, aged 16, he spent most of his wages on food at lunchtime, having eaten sandwiches his dm prepared on the way to work to top up a measly breakfast. Luckily, we never stayed over but a visit to theirs for evening meal was always followed by a stop off at KFC or McDonald's on the way home.

Tell them out straight, "The portions are too small, we are still hungry so we've brought our own". Done . They can be offered all they want. Youll still be hungry unless you eat enough.

Comment back on their food then "Goodness me, how do you survive on such meagre portions". 😆

So for the sake of being polite, he’s happy to let his children go hungry and his wife too?

1 pizza between 6 is absolutely ridiculous, even more so when 4 of them are adults.

I’d give him one last chance this morning to speak to them about it but I’d also be telling him you’ll be going to the bearded decent shop / supermarket and getting enough food bought and a taxi back and so he can speak to them while you’re out to day from now on a food delivery needs to be made and your happy to pay for it, otherwise this is the last time you’re willing to stay with them.

This has reminded me of my lovely (Jewish) grandma whose catch phrase was 'you didn't come here to suffer hunger' every time we visited. Food was delicious, home made, plentiful, and was offered as a display of love for us. We were encouraged to eat more, to take our favorites, to feast. And going home my parents would be handed a bag of fruit, bread, biscuits - anything we might like or need for the 45 minute journey 😂

She had suffered great hunger in her life and she knew she was blessed to feed her grandchildren. Sorry, totally off topic and not helpful, but that is what visiting grandparents should be like!

@Theroadnottravelled - don't dance around it or hide cereal bars in your handbag. Do an online food order and tell your in laws you're hungrier than they are, end of