To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

What can her husband say to his parents.

"We're coming to stay the weekend after next and we'll do the food".

Did you ever get an explanation for the crying? It was a ridiculous response from her

Being raised by people who have reactions like that is why some people really struggle to confront these problems, even though it should be simple. It's hard to break free from fearing their (over)reaction and the shame you feel, wrongly.

I learned through the years and every time I would cook it would upset her

But that was her problem, not yours.

They can't cook a pizza and salad is not food it's a snack or a starter. It's not the main meal. What can her husband say to his parents.

Would you tell your parents what to do in their home?

Pretty sure I’ve told this story before but anyway:

pils got fed up with hosting the extended family (they had three kids who all got married and had more kids) so we took it in turns booking a large house to stay in for a weekend and catering the weekend.

each couple in turn hosted their weekend and provided plenty of food and booze.

then it was pil’s turn. They were already pissed off because the cost of hiring somewhere and catering for everyone was more than the cost of food when they hosted but anyway.

so we went on their weekend. Friday was fine - we ate at home and drove down.

Saturday they’d prepped a picnic out, not enough food but dh nipped to the shop and bought a fuckload more.

then we got to dinner. Mil went into the kitchen, and the hours stretched on. And on. We were all getting pretty hungry. Dh went into the kitchen and found mil and FIL arguing about how to get the oven on - dinner hadn’t even been started.

by 11pm we were fucking starving. By this point we’d fed the kids (the other two had brought surreptitious food and they fed their kids in the bedroom, we had to get picnic remnants out of the kitchen to feed our kids).

then I was just so hungry I needed food so I went into the kitchen and got some bread.

mil started crying. She was so upset.

FIL started shouting at me for upsetting mil, I was saying I was hungry and then he got really upset and hit me.

i left the cottage and went into a nearby field for about an hour, really hungry and very upset.

when I came back in we left.

there were no more weekends.

seriously, this sort of thing can cause massive upset in some people.

obviously I refused to ever see them again and it was a good few years before I even considered extending an olive branch.

To be fair most English would be agast at guests being hungry.

Maybe they can't cook or else there would be plenty of food. I said nothing to my mum because she couldn't cook. I learned through the years and every time I would cook it would upset her

Yes.

In fact you genuinely can't avoid doing so as they grow older.

But specifically, in this case

1. either they are deliberately underfeeding the OP's family, in which case the OP doesn't have any choice but to make different arrangements, whether that is bringing and preparing food or staying elsewhere.

or

2. they don't know how much food the OP's family need, in which case their behaviour won't change without some form of communication.

I find this really , really rude.
Im from an Irish family and the thought of guests actually going hungry is a massive no no.
Id be tempted to order an online shop to their house and just crack on .

Yes I would if they were not giving substantial portions. Why not?

Would you tell your parents what to do in their home?

whatever about dinners, when I am a guest we always look after preparing our own breakfasts (and often lunches). Why would you and DH not be up putting on the toast for your kids for breakfast? You can pop to the shop to get more bread and milk without being offensive.

At lunchtime, you could say DC are picky eaters, and you're going to make them a sandwich - again, pop to the shop to pick up some bread, ham and cheese for this.

Dinners, I can'r see a way around, but just have snack in you room. You don't have to bring these with you on the train (though surely you could fit some cereal bars), just pop to the shop when you're there.

Take on the attitude of self-sufficient guest/you don't want to put them out, and just bulldoze ahead.

Im irish and this gives me anxiety severe anxiety..as soon as you get inside the door of an irish home you're offered food and a drink,not alcohol lol meals are always plentiful and loads left over and used for lunch the next days,fridges stocked out and asked every few hours are you hungry lol,My Mam loved to feed people as do my Aunties also..I'd have to say something as this is unreasonable,your DH needs to speak up

PIL’s dessert offering for Xmas day for six adults and four older teenage boys was two small £1 cheesecakes from Morrisons. And six mince pies. When they died they had over £1m assets.

Would you tell your parents what to do in their home?

It’s interesting - DH is a tall, large man with a large appetite. But he just wants a nice time, no conflict. So it’ll have to be me as bad cop. I hate Christmas with them too as they’re tee total (no judgement) but hate alcohol in the house and get very judgey. One bottle of wine - ooh, you’re having all that? Don’t know how you do it (between two of us for the whole holiday) urgh.

Ok so what you are saying is your DH would rather his wife and children go hungry than actually say anything to his parents? That's not normal or healthy.

I genuinely do not get this....they don't provide enough food, they "won't hear" of you staying air b and b....are you an adult or not?

They are awful people, OP.

DH needs to tell them that you can’t visit unless they feed you properly.

It is (a) rude and (b) unkind to offer to host without providing food and drink (booze). And snacks.

I’m giving you permission not to visit them until they change their controlling behaviour.

It’s interesting - DH is a tall, large man with a large appetite. But he just wants a nice time, no conflict. So it’ll have to be me as bad cop. I hate Christmas with them too as they’re tee total (no judgement) but hate alcohol in the house and get very judgey. One bottle of wine - ooh, you’re having all that? Don’t know how you do it (between two of us for the whole holiday) urgh.