To be completely turned off by partner when they are mentally unwell

I wasn't confused as to who or how many people she was talking about. However, it's curious to have a situation where a poster has confirmed her husband is male and identities as such yet she (presumably) refers to him continually as 'they' throughout her OP.

This suggests she isn't willing to reflect his (standard) pronoun choice/identification and I don't think it's terribly out there to wonder why.

This is how I’ve felt about being depressed during the couple of times I’ve suffered from it and the guilt has been a really motivating factor. That and the fact I don’t like being that unwell and will do almost anything to feel like myself again.

I think you do need to know when he's returning to work and what his plans are to aid his recovery.

It's obviously just her writing style, like yours is no capital letters or full stops and a typo in a six word sentence which has rendered it meaningless. Is 'mw' supposed to be 'me' or 'mn', meaning Mumsnet?

Do people really not learn about the "singular they" in school? I certainly remember being taught about it in the 80s/90s.

you lost mw after first “they”

You know we can still see the sarcastic post you originally made?

Yea, could see why you asked to be honest. Could be a factor

He ? Unless you have multiple husbands

You’re just making yourself sound really thick here.

I can see no evidence of serious mental illness in what you describe. Your DH probably was stressed but is now just taking the opportunity to do fuck all. I’d have a serious discussion with him about your expectations while he’s off - going to a counsellor is no good if you’re then just lying in bed all day, its not a magic fix. He needs to be up and doing things, going for walks, engaging in a routine etc. most people who actually are depressed feel awful guilt about it, sounds like he’s taking the piss.

You don't have to stay with someone who makes you miserable, and you don't have to stay with someone who won't help themselves. His mental health does not trump yours (or your kids).

Tell him the situation can't go on. He needs to go back to the GP, and he needs to come up with a plan for work.

He absolutely can wallow in bed all day, but he can't go out with friends and leave the place a tip.

Why can't we talk about the pronouns fiasco? Maybe it is a sign of deeper problems under the surface.

How are people still confused if OP has immediately confirmed that her DH is male?

He took himself off his ADs in consultation with his doctors and his GP - it was likely tapered over time in dosage and a decision they both felt was for the better. It's not like he just suddenly stopped himself. OP's DH likely has chronic depression/MDD, so he cannot completely recover (some people obviously can) but he can manage it somewhat, will likely still have episodes and relapses across his life and will need support from a psychiatrist and therapy very long-term.

OP cleared up pretty quickly that "They are male" and was quoted and asked about cojoined twins, which suggests to me that people weren't asking about him being non binary, Also, something as major as that is 99% likely to be in the OP.

How does he feel about his depression?

Does he see it as an illness he can recover from and is making a plan to do just that or does he see himself as a depressed person and that’s just the way things are meaning they’re not going to do anything to alter the current state?

I think this distinction is important as my DH sees himself as the latter and has been really resistant to doing anything positive towards recovery for many years although he is semi-functioning most of the time now he's on SSRIs.

Would I have stayed if I’d realised this is how he sees himself and therefore won’t change. Most probably not.

I think OP may be speaking in a second language.

But if the ‘they’ was because DH identified as non binary or something, or used different pronouns on different days, that could be very relevant.

I think using "they" nowadays infers that the person in question is in some way trans or fluid. It didn't read well, for me

OP - I would suggest that your husband goes back to the GP, gets medicated and has counselling

If he refuses to do this or if he does this and it doesn't work, I'd consider a trial separation

Do you think he's hiding behind his depression to avoid doing things he doesn't like?

I think Marriage is in sickness and health only applies when both people are committed. And someone who’s taken themselves off their ads, dumped their job, doesn’t help around the house, but happy to go out with friends, and cheerfully laugh at videos all evening, is not putting in the effort to your marriage, so I’d be telling them that.

Also @Bigjo lean on your own support systems - friends and family. Lean on them, get your own therapist perhaps either NHS or through work maybe, even just for a while. Try and do something for you, whether that be sport, the gym, art even just an hour a week, where it's just you and DH steps up for you during that. That seems like a fattier compromise considering how debilitating MDD can be, even though scrolling can make you look like your fine, you are often masking and completely disengaged from what your watching - it's just passing time, that you don't want to experience.

I appreciate though this makes it difficult for you, with all the kids, but you also have to appreciate how relapses can be difficult and walking outside and doing work doesn't help with sevre depression - it helps you maintain a baseline when better and for people to stabilise their mental health not a mental illness. Mental illness is stabilised through meds and therapy and kept that way through routine and walking and sometimes work (but this depends on the person). Doing detailed research on this could he'll you understand and for the two of you to work together on a compromise which helps the both of you. Perhaps also look into couples therapy, maybe even just every 2 weeks, as a way to check in and work together to get through this?

I assume op wrote the post to be neutral on which sex the partner was but changed a reference to DH before posting, so it seems jarring to have referred to him in different ways.

Always good before posting an op to read it and think "what is the first thing MNers will ask"?

It sounds like your DH has come off the anti-depressants prematurely, and needs to go back on to them.

This needs to be done gradually, so would encourange your DH to go see their GP.

Exactly, so many blooming posts about that when it’s a serious post seeking help. Some posters on this forum are ridiculous. Especially when they pretend they can’t understand the post too when it’s not written in a certain way. They must sit waiting for posts to jump on so they can feel superior. Pathetic.

OP I would feel the same. He needs to get back on the anti depressants. Do you cook dinner? Make sure he washes up if you do straight after. He may be unwell, but most women have no choice but to crack on with household chores and parenting no matter how they feel, so expecting him to wash up etc is perfectly reasonable. I’d have a chat with him and suggest he gets himself out of bed at the very least as that won’t be helping. I’d be feeling as fed up as you are.