To be completely turned off by partner when they are mentally unwell

😆

Thank you Tiny

"...neither tedious nor witless..."

"...try to preserve..."

Thank goodness I was here! We nearly lost the language there!

He goes back on meds and he engages properly with his counsellor, or gets some other kind of help/therapy.
He may be really ill, and I'm not unsympathetic, but he has to work at getting better and/or managing it.

Totally agree to all of the above xx

This. He may well have depression, but he is also lazy and doesn't want to "adult". It is as though he has reverted to being a teenager and you are his mum, OP.
So, he's not much use as a partner and father.
I'd be telling him to shape up or ship out. Help himself. You can't do everything.

Motivation is very hard when one is depressed. PP mentioned goals and I would start with small ones, like doing the washing up once a day, minimum. I read hundreds of books when I was in a deep depression , when I didn’t have my head under the duvet unable to even get dressed. It’s a distraction and takes you away from your reality. I didn’t go out and see friends though as socialising felt very pressured. You didn’t say whether they have started anti depressants again but that would make sense and they do take a while to kick in if he has . If you think he isn’t doing everything he can to recover there is nothing wrong with having a conversation insisting he takes steps towards recovery and lay out what you think they might be. Sometimes a kick up the arse is very helpful, depression or not.

Only kidding. Honestly it sounds like his job is stressful and he needs a break. Not stopping him from getting off his phone and making life easier for the poster.

I think you have to start setting out what is right for you and you child

he needs to deal with his depression and anxiety he has made decisions to come off medication and now he has been signed off work where does he see himself going. No purpose in his day to day life just makes the situation worse for him and your family

I do not blame you at all op for being fed up. Some people get trapped in this cycle but some do not want to break it and when others are there to carry them they do not have to

you have been extremely supportive but now you have to make decisions about what is right for you and your child and that shouldn’t include carry someone who is not going to work on themselves

I didn't say he has to see a psychiatrist to get antidepressants (most people just get them from their GPs) - I was saying he should also ask the GP to get a referral to a psychiatrist and get the initial ADs from the GP. As he clearly has treatment resistant depression, a psychiatrist can help to problem solve different options (that GPs as generalists cannot) perhaps even electrical stimulation therapy done properly and, well, has high efficacy rates.

Also the more specific you are with GP's the better they often do for you (links to the ICE strategy they learn and also not all GP's are bad, I've had my fair share and I've had ones that had gone above and beyond and referred to all services). If OP's DH asks and pushes for DBT and / or other therapies (looking at his treatment resistant/persistent MDD, he can get more intense therapy as a result of that), espeically if he sees a GP with a special interest in mental health (as they'll likely be more clueded up on services and treatment).

Most people with less severe mental health issues/illnesses/uncomplicated issues will just be managed by their GP. Some (most more severe or treatment resistant conditions or complicated backgrounds) will see a psychiatrist (these days, sometimes GPs try and manage more due to waiting lists). It's the same as any other conditions/speciality - GPs prescribe the majority of meds but if severe or worsening condition or the GP's treatment doesn't improve the patients conditions they are referred to a psychiatrist as a specialist.

The poster must live in Brighton apparently this they/them is rife there.

You heard of Weaponised Incompetence?
Well times have moved on, clearly this is the new Medicalised Incompetence.
This is evolution. Incompetence is now stronger as it comes adapted for survival with a CERTIFICATE.

This!

This. They is taking the piss

I’m going to be a bit sharp and I think you need to be too, OP.

No amount of depression stops you clearing up your own mess. If you are in bed all day with depression, which happens, then you won’t have made a lot of mess elsewhere in the house. If you are well enough to make mess you are well enough to clear it up.

Can you manage a slice of toast? Then manage to put the plate in the sink or dishwasher.

I agree with this, it's not acceptable for him to behave like this.
I get that having poor mental health can make it difficult to motivate yourself to do much of anything but he needs to attempt to do as much as he can to get himself well.
You can only look after yourself you can't fix or carry other people, and if this isn't working for you then you need to think about what you want your life to look like.

I admit I couple be wrong but I implied from the OP, "Last year they stopped antidepressants. They have been stable but last month has been
signed off byGP for anxiety and stress." I impliedthat it was a reasonable decision, which at the time she did not oppose either and neither did the GP oppose it (I'm also assuming that the GP know this - so likely would have somehow supervised it, or

intervened if they had concerns, as it seems they have a good relationship with the GP(s).

Also stopping medication isn't always bad - unless done abruptly but that's more about side effects and withdrawal. Done well, over time it can be positive and can be negative. It clearly was fine for almost a year. He could 1. Be sufficient without them and want a break 2. Think the dosage wasn't worth the side effects etc.

As @Tessisme mentioned "Just because the person can do some stuff sometimes, doesn’t mean they can participate in anything involving expectations and responsibility, particularly when stress is a factor." Depression is complex and also it can be hard when you got better to them relapse and come to terms with that again -it can be difficult as some people see that as they'll never get better and they're descended to fail.

Especially since the OP mentions how he hasn't had an episode since he's been with her -it's hard to have an episode around someone you love as you feel worthless and like they don't want you around and they don't like you.
So,it's hard to engage with the family. That being said, it's only fair if the OP let's DH know how she's feeling, and they have a conversation resetting boundaries and expectations and explaining how they both are feeling and trusting each other to work together. For DH that would also involve trying a new therapy (DBT seems like it would help), getting back on ADs (now ones or the same but higher dose) and also seeinga psychiatrist for a whole new assesment, to see if anything else is suggested. For OP, that's also learning more, really reading research on how to help someone with MDD and doing that, perhaps them both trying some occasional couples therapy, communicating with DH properly.

Yep. So dense. This person is reaching out for help and their language is being picked over by vultures.

Depression is horrible but he needs to be helping himself - when we are in a relationship we have a duty to make an effort for the other person - to try and be better versions of ourselves . Even when we are unwell or depressed - you have to keep trying . And he’s not trying .

You need to ask yourself how long it has been going on for? If it is months, then you need to get in outside help. If weeks, give it a chance. Don't be too intolerant too soon. My father suffered with depression aged 50. He did his best but was prone to angry outbursts which left us in tears. You need to ask yourself are you prepared to be your husband's support or are you looking out for yourself and your kids? Reverse the roles. How would you feel if the tables were turned?

The husband must be non binary I think.

It really doesn’t. And you know that. You’ve just found a soapbox to climb on.

HE is male. Using ‘they’ instead is an irritating affectation. This nonsense should stop.

I’ve been on anti depressants for about 30 years.

Ive seen an NHS pyschiatrist once ( there are none) and have had very little therapy from the nhs. It hardly exists.

I've re-read the OP and don't get the impression that English is their second language (so yes, I know about the singular they!) And I don't see why anybody would need to mention someone being non binary if it wasn't relevant to the post, which it seems it wasn't in this case.

He needs to go back to the Drs for help and either get back on his meds or find an alternative if the previous ones didn't agree with him.

He needs to be keeping the house tidy since he's at home, I've not had depression but a friend I know who has it says keeping a routine (and in fact a job!) is what keeps his depression at bay as it forces him to do stuff.

Also, kindly reminder that not everyone will speak English as their first language and when people are upset, they might make typos. Try being kind instead of kicking someone when they are already down.