To be completely turned off by partner when they are mentally unwell

I don’t think anyone has talked about women’s rights on this thread yet at all, so it’s not feminism. It’s basic common sense, and identifying a clear possibility why the OP might be struggling.

You're right - apologies. I guess when I got to 'DH' I made an (incorrect) assumption. I still find it confusing but it seems impossible to have a reasonable discussion about this anywhere which is frustrating.

The OP didn’t use ‘he’ anywhere to be fair.

Time for some tough love.
Their MH would drastically improve if they put the phone down.

YANBU @Bigjo and I am sorry for the bashing you have had on here for your use of 'they' for your husband. As has been said, can people just rein it in now. I think the OP has got the idea!

Yeah, I know/have known plenty of women who have a husband who seems to go through depression - but it's when it suits him. He is depressed and low when it comes to domestic chores and childcare, and visiting or engaging with her family (and his own sometimes!) And he always seems to be 'ill' at Christmas, and similar family events, sometimes taking himself to bed in his dressing gown of doom, and carpet slippers. Leaving all the work and the mental load, to the woman/wife/mother. But he's fine when he wants to be, when he's with his mates, and doing something HE wants to do.

One man I knew (this was a couple of decades ago,) cried out for an ambulance saying he had searing pains in his chest, and stomach, and his intestines. His wife called 999 - and an ambulance, (and the paramedics) came. He was rolling about wailing when they came. (Seemingly in pain!) He went to hospital and had multiple tests - including on his heart, and bowel, and stomach etc, and there was 100% nothing wrong with him. Not a damn thing. Normal bloods, normal blood pressure, and normal heart rate.

He managed to wangle 5 days in hospital, and it all resulted in his wife having to care for their 2 toddlers alone for 2 weeks (as when he came out, he played the 'ill' card for another 10 days,) and he didn't move out of his armchair for a moment. Only to use the loo, and go to bed. She waited on him hand and foot, and was frazzled looking after 2 toddlers too. He also managed to swerve a family wedding (her cousin) that he didn't want to go to, (but she HAD to take the kids as he was 'too ill' to look after them.) And he said when he came from hospital that it was 'ridiculous' that they found nothing, 'as clearly he was ill.'

Clearly there was fuck-all wrong with him. There are multiple stories like this from men who feign illness to avoid family commitments, looking after the children, and doing anything he doesn't want to do really. Sometimes it's physical ailments, sometimes they claim they have depression. And God help you if you are ill. Men like this don't like to be the carer!

I am NOT saying that people make up depression, and it's not real, of course it's real, but yeah, I do know some people who are depressed when it suits them, and it's usually men who have a partner/wife, and children. They act this way to detach themselves from family life and commitments.

Not much you can do though @Bigjo apart from leave him/break up with him, because he will never change. If you are separated, he will be forced to step up, and look after his own children, and actually do something for himself! I'm sorry you are going through this.

OP swapped to 'he' in the first post. That's why it was confusing.

You can change this! You can give ultimatum or leave! Lots of people have MH issues and not all use it to manipulate, get out of the hard bits of life, excuse all the nasty bits of their personality etc etc.

Do consider leaving. My friend grew up affluent with a father who on the surface had seemed great until he had a break down. But in reality he’d been gambling all the money away too and always been deeply manipulative and selfish at home. His MH deteriorated.

The mum stayed with him out of duty and fear and manipulation no doubt. Both children grew up around this and their parents deteriorating relationship with him regularly threatening to kill himself or her and being sectioned.

By the end it was absolutely toxic - regardless of the MH issues he suffered the couple hated each other and there was no love or even like left by the end.

The 2 daughters had their own struggles and issues as a result. And this tremendous guilt when they left home as soon as possible as they saw their mum effectively saying we have to stay as a family no matter how your father behaves and how bad our relationship becomes.

It really isn’t a healthy way to live for your children.

😃😃

You're a saint! Mental health issues or not I couldn't deal with this for a prolonged period of time.

A responsibility holiday! I've not heard that term before. I'll take one of those thanks - sounds like bloody bliss.

Also cannot believe the pronoun policing. If this is what feminism looks like now, I fucking despair.

Yup … The pronouns are a big deal.

Non binary OR … this is a same sex couple where a female identifies as male, but the OP - when asked if her partner is male - says yes (even though the answer is No) because ‘trans men are men’ and it would be politically inappropriate to not affirm their chosen identity.

If this is the case wrt the pronouns then it’s very relevant, because it contextualises the depression. Also, the OP might need to seek support from other trans widows. Or the OP is a lesbian struggling to be in a relationship with a ‘man’ because she is actually same-sex attracted and ‘maleness’ gives her the ick (but she’s not allowed to say this because politics).

If it’s any of this OP, I’d run a mile.

I would feel exactly the same way. Your partner is someone you are attracted to. When they become a dependent and a responsibility, then it all becomes very familial. He’s another kid, another mouth to feed, another body to clothe and clean around… Deeply, deeply unattractive. I think it’s particularly tricky when they’ve taken a step back because of mental health. Many physical conditions still allow a partner to be a true partner - might not be able to do x, can still pick up y and share the load - but mental health just takes everything away and you’re left with a shell that is selfish, unpleasant to live with and needy. That only changes with self-awareness and a desire to get out of the slump.

If we put our positive pants on, things CAN change if your partner wants them to. Poor mental health is horrendous for all of you, but it can be worked on. It does sound like he needs medication again, and some gentle responsibility to give structure to his day. Have you spoken to him about this, with love? Expressed your concern and gently probed at coping mechanisms and seeing his GP?

A woman is clearly having a difficult time and wants help and all people can do is whinge about fucking pronouns? Yeah, great feminism there from the gender-critical posters. Maybe try and focus on actually being useful to a woman who needs support instead of sniping about the use of 'they' as a singular pronoun (which has been used in English for centuries; you can find examples of it going back to early mediaeval times).

OP, it is not unreasonable that you find it hard to be attracted to your partner when he's behaving like this - regardless of the cause. You can't just switch on attraction. I speak as someone who has had significant bouts of depression all my life - I know full well that I am absolutely not at my most attractive/likeable when I'm miserable and unmotivated and lacking energy. Nobody is, frankly! It's not actually enjoyable being around people who are in that state.

However, I think that depression that manifests itself solely in moping around the house and not doing any chores, and still allows someone to socialise with their mates three times a week, is certainly atypical. I'm not saying he doesn't truly have depression - I'm someone who is more than capable of laughing and putting on a happy face in public when I'm unwell - but I think it's quite unlikely that his particular type of depression means that he isn't capable of doing the washing up or getting out of bed. Certainly some people's depression massively interferes with their executive function, but they are not usually the same depressed people who have the motivation to go out and socialise with their friends.

Essentially, what I'm saying is that it's absolutely possible to suffer from clinical depression and at the same time, but entirely separately, be a lazy, selfish twat. The latter isn't necessarily caused by the former and I strongly suspect that in your partner's case, they're not connected.

What would happen if you left him?

The question also applies to OP. Having a sense of duty to one's spouse is morally right but when the notion of manipulation comes into it, then it's sadly a form of abuse on the part of the partner who's unwell. If you told your H that he's squandering the good will and energy you would have been willing to invest in caring for him when genuinely elderly and sick, what would he say?

Using 'they' didn't affect the clarity of the OP's post either, otherwise we would have had a bunch of posters genuinely confused as opposed to salivating with the need to correct and tell her off.

Nice try. But that's a bit strawman.

I think it's very clear everyone found it hilarious. A very nice try indeed.

Name changed for this.

My husband started out like yours and progressively got worse. He hasn't worked more than very part time for about 10 years (I mean 6 hours a week, if even that), spends 70% of his time in bed and refuses to accept any responsibility for our household, the now young adult DC, or anything else because "I'm not feeling well". Last year I had this massive epiphany that in many ways I'm to blame as I've enabled this behaviour, which has become very manipulative. He has no concern for me now at all, is extremely self absorbed and won't really engage with any type of therapy (he has the cheek to say I don't do enough/help him with it!). I should have left him years ago, I feel very trapped now and can't see what else I can do other than just plough on. I'm not attracted to him at all now, I see him as an elderly relative that I'm obliged to care for. So YANBU at all, look after yourself OP xxx

Damn. Now I have to send back my medal for services to preservation of the English language.

Sometimes there isn't a 'root cause' for depression or other illness for that matter, sometimes it's idiopathic (there's no cause). We always think there is but sometimes there isn't and people brains just work that way - that's why I think people have a hard time seeing why anyone with money and a decent life can get depression but they do.
ADs don't 'numb' btw they increase serotonin and if you have ADs and they numb too much for you - you can change to a different one (different groups of antidepressants work differently and have different side effects s
and side effects differ per person). You can try a different AD, a different dose and talk to your GP or prescriber about combating it. It doesn't have to work that way and often for people doesn't, if it does they should do something about it and see their GP to see about dealing with that.

ADs balance brain chemicals like serotonin and norepinephrine, which can get disrupted in depression. When those chemicals are low or out of balance, you often feel emotionally 'numb' already, (no motivation, no joy, no energy and anhedonia). Antidepressants don’t take feelings away, for most people, they restore the ability to feel a full range of emotions. Some people may feel a bit 'flat' at first while their body adjusts (takes 4-6 weeks) but that’s usually temporary or dose-related.

Oh my fucking God, shut the fuck up about OP using 'they', she's in a really hard situation that she's shouldering by herself and people are in here making snide faux confused comments about pronouns. Genuinely awful bloody behaviour. There was absolutely no need to derail the thread, especially because it wasn't relevant what gender OPs partner is to the advice you'd give anyway! Awful.

I agree. I wish you would.

Not at all. If OP had said off the bat that their DH identified as non-binary, it wouldn't have been an issue.
So: 'My DH (non-binary) struggles with their mental health.'
See, not hard, is it?

But randomly repeating the word 'they' to refer to 'one' person, detracts from people being able to understand what's being said. Are we supposed to be offering our advice to one person or two?

That is fundamentally wrong in terms of reasonable adjustments. Yes everyone might like them or enjoy them but not everyone needs them to function well and properly. I need flexible working times because I may have more pain in the morning and I can't shower as soon I need to, or after I come out of the shower I need to rest and do nothing for 30 minutes because it's aggravated my symptoms, so I get into work later. Maybe I spend the early morning vomiting and then need to come into work later, after I rest for a bit - good employers and university/schools I've been in have always understood and allowed flexible timings for this. Again even on a good day of baseline symptoms, I would start school later during 6th form (only missed study/free periods in the morning), because having more rest is more necessary for me as a person with chronic illness and one of the symptoms I have is fatigue (which is not the same as being tired), the extra 1h and 30 minutes sleeping meant I rested more, stayed in school and lessons longer, concentrated better and did better work.

And this principle applies to many other disabilities, including mental illness and learning disabilities. For example, someone with severe anxiety, autism, or ADHD may find being asked interview questions without time to prepare extremely overwhelming. They may freeze, struggle to process ( they often have slower processing speeds for conversations, again same with Auditory Processing Disorder), or be unable to articulate what they actually know. Being sent questions in advance doesn’t give them an “unfair advantage”; it simply allows them to demonstrate their actual skills and knowledge on a level playing field with non-disabled applicants, who are not disadvantaged by being able to answer spontaneously. Similarly, for someone with dyslexia or processing difficulties, knowing the questions beforehand reduces cognitive overload and means they aren't held back by barriers unrelated to the role itself.

Reasonable adjustments are not about giving disabled people more than others; they are about removing barriers so that disabled people can perform equally. Without them, disabled people are automatically disadvantaged by circumstances completely outside their control.

Non-disabled people don’t face those barriers in the first place, so they aren’t losing anything when adjustments are made, instead they're simply experiencing the default world already designed for them. Reasonable adjustments create equity, which is recognising that different people need different support to reach the same outcome. That’s what the law requires, and that’s what fairness looks like.

Because it's tedious.

I feel for you, having had similar experience. There is illness and there is also taking responsibility for your own health and wellbeing. Mental health doesn't just get better by lounging around the house, people need to really work at it, ask for support when needed. If the counselling shows no progress change to a good psychotherapist. But again he has to want to do the work. Treating symptoms never works, antidepressants just numb, it needs to go to the root. You are not unreasonable to demand more from your partner. It is one thing to support a partner through ill health and completely different to carry someone who does not take responaibility for their own health. Take care of yourself too.