AIBU red flag grandparent behaviour

I’m in the trust your gut brigade. We have had abuse in both sides a sibling on one side and FIL is currently being criminally investigated for sexually assaulting his much younger female neighbour. I have always thought he was massively off as a person so it completely did not surprise me.

I’m always more surprised by the women who try to undermine other women from protecting their children than I am about adult males behaving inappropriately sexually towards women and children. It is so unbelievably common, how do you make it to adulthood without breaking down that denial? Men have a huge problem in their culture that they don’t even try to grasp.

Your child. Your rules. If I felt uncomfortable once I’d always feel uncomfortable. The bloke sounds a twat. He has zero respect for his wife. He’s proved that but been allowed to get away with it. I’d hate him for that let alone telling my dd to lift her clothes up. Fuck off from me.

I feel it’s a clear boundary that a grandad shouldn’t show his granddaughter his stomach or any other under clothes body part?

I don't think the vast majority of adult men think of a child's belly (or their own) as a sexual/intimate body part, to be honest.

Your husband did the right thing by explaining you'd rather he didn't do it again, but I don't think that alone is a red flag

The man might, indeed, be a complete toad who cheats on his wife, and you obviously don't have to find him likeable or pleasant, but that really, really doesn't mean he's a paedophile.

This is the crux of the matter. While it’s quite possible that it’s all very innocent, there is a real risk that it is not.
It is well documented that grooming starts early and often in plain sight. It is part of the power play that abusers get off on.

Yes, I think whatever you decide, you have to treat them as a unit.

Very different issue, but, for example, my ILs live with BIL, who owns a very large and dangerous dog.

I wouldn't leave my son there, because although I could trust my MIL not to allow them to come near each other, I couldn't trust FIL. But I also know that MIL DOES trust FIL, and wouldn't consider it risky to leave my son with him - and FIL wouldn't protect my son from the dog.

I’m sorry I also do not agree with the simplistic view to ‘trust your gut’ as you come from a place of dislike and distrust for your father in law. A cheating husband does not equal paedophile !! (Although MN hatred of infidelity would make them appear in the same vein of heinous behaviour) . I think it would be grossly unfair to your DH to taint his view of his father in this way - and could chip away at his loyalty to you and him.

interestingly my DH is absolutely horrified and if he were your husband he would of asked you FIL to leave after he asked the second time . He says ALWAYS trust your guts !

so tricky one . Completely contrary opinions in one family !!

Trust your gut and intuition, OP, and don’t leave him alone with her. You absolutely know best here.

You’ve had some great answers here, so I don’t want to just add more of the same, but wanted to give you a virtual hug 🥰
Your anxiety screams from your OP, and I can imagine how hard it is trying to process all of the feelings you are experiencing whilst trying to balance a family dynamic.

Hang in there. Your DH sounds brilliant so you have a good team looking after your little girl.

I was going to say, you absolutely CANNOT put the burden onto MIL to be responsible for only changing nappies. You have absolutely no idea where her allegiance lies, whether she would agree there is any merit in your worries or any credence. You either watch out for any pointers that FIL is a predator and ergo don't leave the kids there at all, or you decide that the overstep was harmless and hes been made aware and its all fine.

If you still have a guttural reaction to him, you cant rely on them for the childcare

Trust you gut and make sure he is not alone with yoir daughter. And please be aware that some wives convince themselves they don’t know that their husband is abusing a child. I have been at the court cases.

Listen to your gut. Better to be safe than sorry. Could be completely innocent but no way should you take the chance.

The one thing I've learnt when raising my kids is to always trust your parental instincts.

I'd say no more taking care of your children without you being there. And definitely call him out every time or, if you don't feel comfortable doing that, take DD out of the room or go home.

Trust your gut.

It's inappropriate.

It sounds like conditioning and paving the way for "now I'll show you whats in my pants . Your turn " 🤬

It might be innocent. But if it feels off, keep him at arms length and don't allow him to be alone with your daughter. He should know better , especially after warning about odd comments. Not worth the risk.

I think you can say you are teaching your DD to protect herself and that means he mustn't do anything that is about her undressing for anyone that isn't Mummy or Daddy ...so this kind of game even if innocent is how an abuser would start grooming and you don't want it to happen again.. if he's angry with that he cares more about himself than his GD and he is an unsuitable person for her to be around. I'm sorry you have this awful strain 💐💐💐💐

My 18mo loves flashing her tummy at us, probably because the first time she did it we all laughed. Look at that cheeky little tummy, type thing.
But I really can't imagine a scenario where one of her grandfathers was encouraging her to do it and lifting their own top. That is just bizarre, and I think I would be shocked if my FIL suddenly showed everyone his naked belly.

I agree with others that you need to trust your gut.

How much do you trust MIL? Does she stand up to him? You say that you’ve requested only she changes nappies but can you be sure she’ll also respect this boundary? She’s forgiven his infidelity, I think you said ‘brushed it under the carpet’, some women always put the men in their lives first….

I can completely understand why it worries you but my dad does this with my younger one all the time. He’s a boy and there’s definitely nothing untoward about it between the 2 of them. It just seems to be a thing that they do & sometimes he will tickle his belly etc. My dad thinks it’s hilarious but I don’t really get what’s funny about it 🤣.

I think its difficult to know, because at 18months it is just potentionally playing. It could be innocent. It could not be.

And I dont think you can always trust your gut becuase sadly your experiences will influence it. And youll be wrong more than right, but remember the affirming situations. I can understand your reaction. But cheat doesnt equate child predator. You arent an unbiased observer, you pegged him for a cheat and he is one and you feel thats wrong. (Not disagreeing) but you are reading the situation from the perspective of someone who dislikes the other person.

For me, DH has spoken to his dad and said, quite rightly, in this day and age were nervous about her learning to flash her body if a grown up suggests it. Please dont play that game with her again. Id expect FiL to understand that even if his game was innocent the next time someone says it, it might not be. Privacy and safety are important. Id wait and see if FiL listens and respects this boundary DH set. If he does, then all fine. Maybe cut him some slack.

If he continues however id consider that a massive red flag and restrict any future access.

Trust your gut and protect your kid. Even if it’s innocent, nobody should be questioning your choices when protecting your child is the goal. (He sounds creepy AF and asking your child to show her body for no reason isn’t ok.)

This

Intuition exists for a reason. Don’t ever let this man be alone with your child.

he sounds like a prat but I can’t imagine you have anything to worry about in a sinister way with her.

The dilemma is, although it could just be your fil being wildly off the mark when attempting to be amusing/playful, you’ll never know, until something happens, and then it’s too late…
At 18m, it should be relatively easy to ensure he isn’t on his own with your dd. It’s great that your dh is on board with enforcing boundaries - that makes it a lot easier than if he was automatically leaping to his Dad’s defence. Just be vigilant and call your fil out on any inappropriate behaviour or language every single time. If he’s just a bit of a dinosaur with boundary issues, then maybe he’ll learn something, if anything more sinister, he’ll know you’re on his case.