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Original poster

To think parents are more responsible for the relationship with an adult child?

141 replies

footballfan1963 · 18/08/2025 21:48

My oldest dd is 24 and our relationship is a bit strained. She was living away for university and is now back living at home with dd2 (22, also back home post graduation) and dd3 (18).

Dd1 has become quite distant and uncommunicative. She goes in and out to work without even a hello or goodbye. She is quite likely autistic but hasn’t as of yet looked into a diagnosis. If her behaviour is a result of possible autism, that’s absolutely fine but I’m worried.

A few months ago she was upset at the actions of Dh and I. We had booked a ballet performance for me, Dh and dd3 and didn’t ask her. She was very hurt and upset about this. I felt bad and sincerely apologised to her. Since then, there’s been a few other things that have upset her and I seem to be walking on eggshells a bit.

There has also been a long standing issue between dd1 and dd3. Dd3 developed an intense dislike for dd1 nearly 2 years ago and we don’t know why. Dh and I try and support both of them without getting involved but it’s hard when they both claim they’re being bullied.

I had a difficult relationship with my own mother who blamed both me and my sister for everything, and didn’t do much for nurturing the relationship. Maybe this has clouded my view but I always thought when I became a parent that the relationship with your child is paramount and it’s the parent’s responsibility to maintain it.

Dd2 also claims that her older sister is hard to live with saying she is passive aggressive, never apologises and seems to care only about our cat.

I feel so disconnected from dd1 and don’t know how to get it back.

Is it all my responsibility or do adult dc also have a part to play in their relationship with their parents? I keep reading about people going NC with their parents, they must have good reasons for this and I want to be the best parent I can be.

OP posts:
PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 18/08/2025 23:44

Dh and I have tried talking to dd1, ask her if she’s ok, anything she wants to talk about but she says things are ok. Maybe I should stop trying so hard
Yeah, why wonder about the needs and wellbeing of other dc, when your no1 child hates her siblings...

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 18/08/2025 23:43

footballfan1963 · 18/08/2025 23:40

We’ve been trying to put in clearer boundaries and stop telling dd3 where her sister is. Dd1 is often not around at dinner time due to varying shift patterns.

Show quote history

But that's shit. And poor parenting the fact that you even let dd3 believe she has the right to control/decide/must be told about dd1s plans is bonkers!
Why the favouritism?

Original poster
footballfan1963 · 18/08/2025 23:40

Darragon · 18/08/2025 23:19

I think you've posted about her before too? The dynamic between the three sisters along with the possible ASD seem familiar. What advice did you take forward from the last thread about them?

We’ve been trying to put in clearer boundaries and stop telling dd3 where her sister is. Dd1 is often not around at dinner time due to varying shift patterns.

OP posts:
Original poster
footballfan1963 · 18/08/2025 23:37

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 18/08/2025 23:09

There has also been a long standing issue between dd1 and dd3. Dd3 developed an intense dislike for dd1 nearly 2 years ago and we don’t know why. Dh and I try and support both of them without getting involved but it’s hard when they both claim they’re being bullied.
Have you posted about this before.when dd3 refuses to eat if dd1 is at.the family meal, and dd3 wants you to evict dd1.from the family home?

Yes, you have a good memory. I get that it’s difficult for dd1 to be living like this but although as much as dd3 is unreasonable, dd1 isn’t completely blameless.

Dh and I have tried talking to dd1, ask her if she’s ok, anything she wants to talk about but she says things are ok. Maybe I should stop trying so hard. I don’t want dd1 to think we don’t love her and care for her (which we obviously do a lot).

OP posts:
Darragon · 18/08/2025 23:19

I think you've posted about her before too? The dynamic between the three sisters along with the possible ASD seem familiar. What advice did you take forward from the last thread about them?

VivienneDelacroix · 18/08/2025 23:16

I agree with you. Parents should accept responsibility for their relationship with their adult children.
My children have every right to look back at their childhood and decide if they want a relationship with me. I, however, don't have that right - I need to be responsible for any past actions that may have damaged our relationship. My children didn't choose me, or how I brought them up. I chose to have them and have made thousands of decisions on their behalf. I hope I did well, I think I did, but that's not my call to make.

I will never give up on my relationship with my children.

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 18/08/2025 23:11

Oh cross post @Cynic17 the dd3 I remember was very pandered to to the detriment of the other dc, and parents seemed scared of her.

SlB09 · 18/08/2025 23:11

Agree with the pp comments re integrating back into the home environment and social order. It's changed since she's been away quite rightly but she might feel quite lost in that new dynamic and how to 'fit in'. Your both responsible for the relationship but it may be on you to facilitate a caring conversation as to what's going on for her.
I remember when my sister came home from university and working away after, and I was so put out! I also remember her being frustrated at simple things like being cooked for when her diet had completely changed and she was used to seeing to herself. All went back to normal when she bought her first house and the dynamic levelled out.

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 18/08/2025 23:09

There has also been a long standing issue between dd1 and dd3. Dd3 developed an intense dislike for dd1 nearly 2 years ago and we don’t know why. Dh and I try and support both of them without getting involved but it’s hard when they both claim they’re being bullied.
Have you posted about this before.when dd3 refuses to eat if dd1 is at.the family meal, and dd3 wants you to evict dd1.from the family home?

Cynic17 · 18/08/2025 23:06

I think you have posted about your daughter before?
Of course, if there are two adults in any kind of relationship then they are both equally responsible for its success.
But it's really difficult for an adult child to go back to living in somebody else's house (even their parents) after they've been away.
At 24, it would be better for all of you if your eldest daughter makes plans to move out. She needs her independence, and to not have parents fussing around her.

hadenoughnows · 18/08/2025 23:00

Both sides are responsible for the relationship.

TheaBrandt1 · 18/08/2025 22:02

Difficult life stage. Seems they want it all the upside of parents providing the home comforts and treats to theatre etc yet also bring independent.

Original poster
footballfan1963 · 18/08/2025 21:54

JLou08 · 18/08/2025 21:52

Could DD1 be depressed? If this behaviour only started in the last couple of years I suspect there is something that has led to it rather than it just being her personality.
If she is autistic her emotional maturity would likely be lower than someone else her age. I'd usually say that it's a joint responsibility of parents and child at that age but if there is more too her behaviour I think the parents should meet her where she is and put in some extra effort.

Dd1 did have some mental health problems in year 13. She accepted help and went on medication which helped. She now manages her own health but doesn’t discuss it with me.

OP posts:
Silverbirchleaf · 18/08/2025 21:53

I think that if a child has lived away, it’s difficult for them to integrate back into family life. They’ve become Independent and used to doing things their own way, and have forgotten that life, at home, continued without them.

So you booked tickets for you and dd3, which you would have done when dd1 was away.

Dd2 is probably correct about dd1s attitude. Dd2, Dd1 and yourselves have got used to living without dd1 and developed your own routines etc. DD1 is expecting to slot straight back in line she used to do, forgetting that she has grown up as well.

Playtoo · 18/08/2025 21:53

No, you are both adults so both responsible but it’s up to you to try and forge a relationship. Sometimes parents and children don’t have a lot in common and sometimes a connection can be difficult but see if the can get her even out for a coffee or a meal

JLou08 · 18/08/2025 21:52

Could DD1 be depressed? If this behaviour only started in the last couple of years I suspect there is something that has led to it rather than it just being her personality.
If she is autistic her emotional maturity would likely be lower than someone else her age. I'd usually say that it's a joint responsibility of parents and child at that age but if there is more too her behaviour I think the parents should meet her where she is and put in some extra effort.

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