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Original poster

To think parents are more responsible for the relationship with an adult child?

141 replies

footballfan1963 · 18/08/2025 21:48

My oldest dd is 24 and our relationship is a bit strained. She was living away for university and is now back living at home with dd2 (22, also back home post graduation) and dd3 (18).

Dd1 has become quite distant and uncommunicative. She goes in and out to work without even a hello or goodbye. She is quite likely autistic but hasn’t as of yet looked into a diagnosis. If her behaviour is a result of possible autism, that’s absolutely fine but I’m worried.

A few months ago she was upset at the actions of Dh and I. We had booked a ballet performance for me, Dh and dd3 and didn’t ask her. She was very hurt and upset about this. I felt bad and sincerely apologised to her. Since then, there’s been a few other things that have upset her and I seem to be walking on eggshells a bit.

There has also been a long standing issue between dd1 and dd3. Dd3 developed an intense dislike for dd1 nearly 2 years ago and we don’t know why. Dh and I try and support both of them without getting involved but it’s hard when they both claim they’re being bullied.

I had a difficult relationship with my own mother who blamed both me and my sister for everything, and didn’t do much for nurturing the relationship. Maybe this has clouded my view but I always thought when I became a parent that the relationship with your child is paramount and it’s the parent’s responsibility to maintain it.

Dd2 also claims that her older sister is hard to live with saying she is passive aggressive, never apologises and seems to care only about our cat.

I feel so disconnected from dd1 and don’t know how to get it back.

Is it all my responsibility or do adult dc also have a part to play in their relationship with their parents? I keep reading about people going NC with their parents, they must have good reasons for this and I want to be the best parent I can be.

OP posts:
Original poster
footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 10:57

@turkeyboots i think that’s a bit of a reach. We have always supported dd1 with her dance career, both emotionally and financially. I’m a big believer in supporting dc with their dreams. Dh and I often try to check in with dd1 but she insists all is ok. We tell her she can always talk to us about things and we will listen. And we acknowledge our past mistakes and want to put things right. I don’t know what else we can do, short of turning the clock back.

OP posts:
turkeyboots · 19/08/2025 10:51

footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 08:26

She says she just doesn’t care any more. Which I can’t work out if she means it or if she’s trying to protect herself emotionally. They used to be very close and had shared interests of dance and our cat.

@5128gap we do try and do this but dd1 is quite aloof and gives monosyllabic answers. Which is understandable if this is down to autism and her social battery being low after work.

Show quote history

Oh this gave me flashbacks. I would have said the exact same about my sister's behaviour. You DD is telling you she can do no right, no one believes her and she is trapped. I was also called "aloof and monosyllabic" as id learnt over a lifetime that talking or complaining got me no where.
If you want to rebuild a relationship you need to rebalance family life fast, and support DD1 effectively. She wants to break into a v difficult field, surely there is something you can do to support her. DD3 eating away at her self confidence is damaging her aims.

Original poster
footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 10:51

Maray1967 · 19/08/2025 10:44

Which light switches were being turned off, and when? Sounds petty, but I think there’s a difference between a sibling turning hall and landing lights off at 1am so they can sleep, and walking into their sibling’s bedroom and turning that light off. How annoying was DD1 being, according to DD3? What does DD1 say? This does sound petty on the face of it, and I would do what my friend did whose adult DC fought (literally) over the TV remote - tell them very clearly to behave properly or they could both leave.

@Maray1967 it was the hall light and it wasn’t late, around 9pm. Dd3 wanted them on (she gets a bit scared if the house is dark, especially if we’re away). Dd1 kept turning them off (repeatedly).

OP posts:
stillavid · 19/08/2025 10:50

From what you have written it sounds like DD3 is the bully in your house and you pander to her at the expense of her siblings.

You need to put some boundaries in place with your youngest and I suspect your relationship with your eldest would improve if it became apparent that DD3 wasn't the ruler of the house.

Original poster
footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 10:49

phoenixrosehere · 19/08/2025 10:45

Perhaps, your DD1 was happy with their relationship and/or didn’t see an issue that needed a discussion? Could she have felt blindsided by it?

Show quote history

yes she was happy with their relationship ticking along. I used that as an example to show how very different dd1 and dd2 are. Dd2 finds dd1 very difficult currently, she says she’s selfish, hard to communicate with and doesn’t seem to care about anyone other than the cat. My MIL has been very ill recently, dd1 didn’t say one word of support to Dh ☹️

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 19/08/2025 10:45

footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 10:31

Dd1 will talk if she’s got something specific to say. She’s not one for general chit chat or emotional stuff. Dd2 once said to dd1 she wanted to ‘work on their relationship’ Dd1 wanted to run a mile 😂

Perhaps, your DD1 was happy with their relationship and/or didn’t see an issue that needed a discussion? Could she have felt blindsided by it?

Maray1967 · 19/08/2025 10:44

Which light switches were being turned off, and when? Sounds petty, but I think there’s a difference between a sibling turning hall and landing lights off at 1am so they can sleep, and walking into their sibling’s bedroom and turning that light off. How annoying was DD1 being, according to DD3? What does DD1 say? This does sound petty on the face of it, and I would do what my friend did whose adult DC fought (literally) over the TV remote - tell them very clearly to behave properly or they could both leave.

Original poster
footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 10:43

goldtrap · 19/08/2025 10:36

dd3 has been pretty horrible to him in the past so naturally he’s wary.
So is he wary, or is he responsible for the relationship? (to address your opening question). If responsible, he needs to get over the 'wary'.

she wouldn’t open up to him like how she does with me.
I can only go on the examples you have given here, but sending you definitions of bullying, 'convincing you' and 'arguing her point' doesn't sound like 'opening up'. Perhaps she doesn't pull that shit with him because she knows how it would land.

Yes I think you’re right about that @goldtrapand I think dd3 knows she can get round me.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 19/08/2025 10:41

footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 10:28

@goldtrap I don’t always respond to dd3 when she wants to talk. I’m working more days now and have my own life, friends, going out with Dh etc so sometimes I tell her she has to wait.

Dh tries hard, dd3 has been pretty horrible to him in the past so naturally he’s wary. Things are better between them now but she wouldn’t open up to him like how she does with me.

Dh tries hard, dd3 has been pretty horrible to him in the past so naturally he’s wary.

Yet, it is believed that DD1 is bullying DD3?

Original poster
footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 10:37

@user1492757084 what about if your adult child was being bullied by someone else? You’d really brush if off and expect them to sort it out? (Hypothetical question).

OP posts:
goldtrap · 19/08/2025 10:36

dd3 has been pretty horrible to him in the past so naturally he’s wary.
So is he wary, or is he responsible for the relationship? (to address your opening question). If responsible, he needs to get over the 'wary'.

she wouldn’t open up to him like how she does with me.
I can only go on the examples you have given here, but sending you definitions of bullying, 'convincing you' and 'arguing her point' doesn't sound like 'opening up'. Perhaps she doesn't pull that shit with him because she knows how it would land.

Original poster
footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 10:31

Dd1 will talk if she’s got something specific to say. She’s not one for general chit chat or emotional stuff. Dd2 once said to dd1 she wanted to ‘work on their relationship’ Dd1 wanted to run a mile 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 10:29

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 19/08/2025 10:27

Don't you think she's a 'closed book' because she knows its pointless sharing/telling you anything?

No, she’s always been like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 10:28

@goldtrap I don’t always respond to dd3 when she wants to talk. I’m working more days now and have my own life, friends, going out with Dh etc so sometimes I tell her she has to wait.

Dh tries hard, dd3 has been pretty horrible to him in the past so naturally he’s wary. Things are better between them now but she wouldn’t open up to him like how she does with me.

OP posts:
PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 19/08/2025 10:27

Don't you think she's a 'closed book' because she knows its pointless sharing/telling you anything?

Original poster
footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 10:25

@Cinaferna just had a look at that, thank you. I am making a conscious effort not to neglect the needs of dd1 and dd2. Yes mistakes have been made but I am trying to rectify those. Dd1 has always been a closed book, it’s difficult to gauge her feelings. Dd2 is much more open and I make time to talk to her, how she’s feeling, what I can do to support her etc.

OP posts:
goldtrap · 19/08/2025 10:23

Dd3 hates the diagnosis and has always, and still does, denies it.
And yet....the only one in the family who everyone 'officially' recognises as autistic. And yet ...she's telling you she hates it.....

I mean there is a lot to unpick in your posts and obviously only snapshots, but I think you are so enmeshed it's difficult for you to be objective.

I’m her safe person and she relies on me for emotional support. I don’t think that’s uncommon for mums to be the one providing this.
Weeeell, yes and no..... sounds like you are the repository for all her perceived slights. And you can't get good at something unless you practise it. You are the habit. Try stepping back a bit. Try saying, that's interesting, why don't you ask Dad? Try saying, you know what, I'm just dashing out, but dad is here. Get her dad to start a dialogue - message her/send a pic of the silly cat/what do you want for tea/fancy a McDonald's? (Does he do that? With all of them?)

phoenixrosehere · 19/08/2025 10:16

footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 08:46

@goldtrap re the light switch thing - on the face of it, it seems like a petty childish squabble. But dd3 has this way of arguing her point, convincing me it WAS bullying (ie doing something to deliberately upset the othrr person), don’t I care, suppose someone else was bullying dd3, wouldn’t I care etc etc

My sister did this when we were growing up my mother always believed her so I stopped going to her and going to my dad because he would actually listen to me.

My sister expected to have the same privileges as me and my mother spoiled her and raised her to be her best friend.

My dad openly admits that my sister was a bully and instigator but like too many parents just considered it a bit of sibling rivalry and I needed to make her respect me. It came to a single physical fight between her and I as adults when I came back to live with my parents to help them care for our elderly grandparents after she went off to uni. She assumes because she had always gotten her way, she could still get it and bully me and being bigger than me meant she could kick my arse if I didn’t. She found out fast and hard that was not the case and went crying, shouting she could not stand me and ran to our mother after I defended myself, fight lasted less than 10 seconds.

Our parents argued over it, told my mother she always took my sister’s side so why would I try to come to her, also pointed out sister chose to come to where I was sleeping when there was another room she could watch tv in. Can’t remember what they said in the end but I went back to sleep and she went to the room she should have gone to in the first place.

We both only talk to each other if necessary. Our dad tries and sometimes our mother now that we both have children (daughters are six months apart) but we are both in agreement that we’re content with our lack of relationship. Honestly, if we weren’t born in the same family, we would have never been in the same circles, friends, acquaintances, or even neighbours etc. We are extreme opposites with the only thing in common being our parents and that’s ok.

Once siblings become adults, it is up to them how they manage their relationship and the parents not to intervene unless necessary. A light switch is not one of those things and taking DD3’s side because she made the much noise was unnecessary and unhelpful.

You also know that DD3 doesn’t get on with DD1 and DD1 is working 2 jobs, going to start an intensive course and is shy so how would DD1 actually be bullying DD3?

How would DD1 have the time to be a bully?

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 19/08/2025 10:10

footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 09:50

@PamIsAVolleyballChamp I was asking a hypothetical question, not about the light switches. How would you deal with an actual bullying situation of an adult child?

Depends what you perceive to be bullying. The light switches no. Shunning and ignoring a family member Because they won't dance to your tune? Yes.
But they're adults who need to sort it, not getting mummy to fight their battles.

purpelion · 19/08/2025 10:05

VivienneDelacroix · 18/08/2025 23:16

I agree with you. Parents should accept responsibility for their relationship with their adult children.
My children have every right to look back at their childhood and decide if they want a relationship with me. I, however, don't have that right - I need to be responsible for any past actions that may have damaged our relationship. My children didn't choose me, or how I brought them up. I chose to have them and have made thousands of decisions on their behalf. I hope I did well, I think I did, but that's not my call to make.

I will never give up on my relationship with my children.

I agree with this. Yes you hope they pay you respect and make an effort in the relationship. However, your DD is still fairly young and needs nurturing and a solid rock in a mother at the moment. Obviously while among it clear where boundaries lie.

Different if she was 40.

Reading this I wish you were my mum. I was always made to feel I owed her and let her down if I wasn’t highly attentive. Which, on top a rocky childhood, has been very damaging. You are putting the effort in now to be kind and I hope it pays off.

Cinaferna · 19/08/2025 10:00

OP - read up on 'Glass Child Syndrome'.

DS1 had it to some extent because DS2 had autism and many physical issues that had him in and out of hospital for years. Luckily I spotted it and did my best to sort it out but even taking DS1 away on holiday just the two of us, or taking him out for breakfast or even helping him when he got into a crisis didn't seem to offset the imbalance of our attention. It only really seemed to resolve when DH and I spent two weeks solidly helping DS1 with something he needed. 24/7 100% focused on him. He sort of thawed out after that, as he seemed to finally realise that we loved him as much as his brother and were willing to devote as much time to him. It's very hard to overcome.

user1492757084 · 19/08/2025 10:00

I would ask them, as adults, to sort it out themselves.
I would not referee adult children.
How ridiculous to have to hear bickering from grown children.
I would send them both out of my house or room and insist that they behave like respectful adults in my home.

If their bullying was upsetting the household continually, I would book them in for counselling. I would pay for the first session and ask them to pay for the rest until they can live with civility at home or work out another solution.

These are life skills that all adults need to share a home with a partner, friends etc. so you are doing them a service to practise working things out respectfully.

If one of my adult kids were to be violent, or breaking the law etc at home and bullying the household seriously then I would ask them to leave.

In your case, the disagreements seem petty.

Original poster
footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 09:50

@PamIsAVolleyballChamp I was asking a hypothetical question, not about the light switches. How would you deal with an actual bullying situation of an adult child?

OP posts:
PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 19/08/2025 09:43

footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 09:19

Ok to play devil’s advocate then, if an (adult) child WAS actually being bullied either by a sibling or someone else, how would you deal with that?

As above, don't give it oxygen. Do you really think a disagreement about lightswitches is bullying?
Why is it only bullying to dd3 then? Is she not also bullying dd1 for wanting the opposite on/off position then?

Original poster
footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 09:32

Simonjt · 19/08/2025 09:06

You suspect your oldest daughter has autism, your youngest daughter does have autism, how come you only sought assessment for one of them? Is it a case that the diagnosis of the youngest only made you realise traits in your oldest once she was already an adult, or is this due to favouritism and so the youngest was once again seen as a priority over the oldest?

They’re both adults, if one called me about a light switch when I was away I would tell them to grow up and start acting like adults.

Autism wasn’t on the radar at all until dd3 was 11 and we noticed traits. Dd3 hates the diagnosis and has always, and still does, denies it. As we learnt more, we noticed traits in dd1 (and actually also in myself and Dh). I don’t think dd1 wants to seek a diagnosis currently but if she did we would of course support that (and pay for her to go private if she wants). Dd2 probably also has some neurodiversity which she is looking into.

OP posts: