Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parents are more responsible for the relationship with an adult child?

141 replies

footballfan1963 · 18/08/2025 21:48

My oldest dd is 24 and our relationship is a bit strained. She was living away for university and is now back living at home with dd2 (22, also back home post graduation) and dd3 (18).

Dd1 has become quite distant and uncommunicative. She goes in and out to work without even a hello or goodbye. She is quite likely autistic but hasn’t as of yet looked into a diagnosis. If her behaviour is a result of possible autism, that’s absolutely fine but I’m worried.

A few months ago she was upset at the actions of Dh and I. We had booked a ballet performance for me, Dh and dd3 and didn’t ask her. She was very hurt and upset about this. I felt bad and sincerely apologised to her. Since then, there’s been a few other things that have upset her and I seem to be walking on eggshells a bit.

There has also been a long standing issue between dd1 and dd3. Dd3 developed an intense dislike for dd1 nearly 2 years ago and we don’t know why. Dh and I try and support both of them without getting involved but it’s hard when they both claim they’re being bullied.

I had a difficult relationship with my own mother who blamed both me and my sister for everything, and didn’t do much for nurturing the relationship. Maybe this has clouded my view but I always thought when I became a parent that the relationship with your child is paramount and it’s the parent’s responsibility to maintain it.

Dd2 also claims that her older sister is hard to live with saying she is passive aggressive, never apologises and seems to care only about our cat.

I feel so disconnected from dd1 and don’t know how to get it back.

Is it all my responsibility or do adult dc also have a part to play in their relationship with their parents? I keep reading about people going NC with their parents, they must have good reasons for this and I want to be the best parent I can be.

OP posts:
Original poster
footballfan1963 · 21/08/2025 14:11

@PamIsAVolleyballChamp we pick her up on it each time. Name calling is not tolerated, we’ve told dd3 her WiFi will be turned off each time she does it.

OP posts:
PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 21/08/2025 13:56

WhatNoRaisins · 21/08/2025 12:53

Do you really wonder why DD1 is so distant and prefers the company of the cat when she lives in a house with a person who treats her like this?

If DD1 was here I think people would tell her to find her safe people and safe space elsewhere because she's not going to find it with her family. From what you've said it sounds like DD3 has been pandered to the point of becoming a really hideous person.

Show quote history

Absolutely @bendmeoverbackwards how do you respond/interject with that appalling behaviour of dd3?
Or do you support her in expressing these feelings as she'd be upset if you didn't?

WhatNoRaisins · 21/08/2025 13:42

I'd also encourage DD1 with her friendships and any opportunities to meet new people. It could make it easier to cope with how DD3 treats her if she has more people in her life that treat her decently.

Original poster
footballfan1963 · 21/08/2025 13:31

@WhatNoRaisins I think you’re right sadly and my heart breaks for dd1. All this time I just thought we were meeting dd3’s needs but it’s got way out of hand. I must focus on dd1 and try and rebuild trust. I just hope this is salvageable.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 21/08/2025 12:53

footballfan1963 · 21/08/2025 12:14

No, it’s dd1 who claims that dd3 is abusing her. Dd3 has been calling dd1 ‘it’ and ‘thing’ ☹️

Do you really wonder why DD1 is so distant and prefers the company of the cat when she lives in a house with a person who treats her like this?

If DD1 was here I think people would tell her to find her safe people and safe space elsewhere because she's not going to find it with her family. From what you've said it sounds like DD3 has been pandered to the point of becoming a really hideous person.

Notfairisit · 21/08/2025 12:32

All the children are adults. If they want to live at home, in a house owned and paid for by you and your husband they should behave decently to each other, stop the bickering and sniping and if they don’t like it leave. Stop walking on eggshells

hadenoughnows · 21/08/2025 12:16

footballfan1963 · 21/08/2025 12:14

No, it’s dd1 who claims that dd3 is abusing her. Dd3 has been calling dd1 ‘it’ and ‘thing’ ☹️

Your DD3 sounds horrible. She's bullying for sure.

Original poster
footballfan1963 · 21/08/2025 12:14

No, it’s dd1 who claims that dd3 is abusing her. Dd3 has been calling dd1 ‘it’ and ‘thing’ ☹️

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 21/08/2025 09:34

I'm also wondering if not minimising the claims of abuse is the right thing to do here. It isn't abuse, even you don't think it's abuse. I think DD3 needs to be taught the difference between real abuse and a family disagreement. You see plenty of people that think this way on here (all those "narcissistic" MILs when 9/10 it's just a disagreement) and those people always come across as very unhappy.

blackpooolrock · 21/08/2025 09:05

HappyintheHills · 20/08/2025 14:22

But if someone wants the lights off and someone keeps turning them on…. ?

Show quote history

Depends who was in the room first. If i was in a room and had the lights on and my sibling kept turning them off there would have been a physical fight. The other sibling can go somewhere else if they don't like it, they don't have to sit in the same room as i am already in.

blackpooolrock · 21/08/2025 09:03

footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 11:27

I agree that dd3 is very childish. Dd1 doesn’t really complain about her sister but she sees her behaviour towards her as abuse and I don’t want to minimise that by brushing it off.

Show quote history

It's not abuse, its tittle tattle between siblings. Tell DD3 to stop it and to stop being so childish. Ignore her when she comes to you and tries to get you involved. tell her to grow up and start behaving like an adult

HappyintheHills · 20/08/2025 14:24

footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 11:59

@phoenixrosehere yes Dh is father to all 3. MIL’s speech is very bad so telephone contact is not possible at the moment. Yes I think Dh did expect some words of support, we’re looking at palliative care now sadly. Dh explained this to all of them, dd2 offered words of comfort to her dad, think dd3 did too. Dd1 said nothing and continued to fuss over the cat. She did visit her grandma with Dh though yesterday.

DD1 clearly finds the right words difficult to find. So judge her by her actions.

HappyintheHills · 20/08/2025 14:22

footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 11:22

I think it would annoy anyone if they wanted the lights on and someone else kept turning them off, no?

Show quote history

But if someone wants the lights off and someone keeps turning them on…. ?

phoenixrosehere · 20/08/2025 00:47

footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 16:46

So how do I improve things? Tell them I’m not getting involved any more? Dd3 tries her utmost to draw me in.

Show quote history

Of course, she does because she knows she can.

And yes, tell her you are not going to get involved. DD3 may eventually move out and have roommates someday. She’s going to have to learn how to handle small disagreements on her own without running to mummy.

When you do tell her, pay attention to her reaction, because either she’ll accept it or make a a big issue out of it and if she does the latter, ask why she needs your input and what she expects you to do.

katekins · 20/08/2025 00:34

I have two ASD children still at home dd 17 and ds 15, they both have very different personalities. My DD has a very similar personality to how you describe your dd1, and my son is very bouncy, smiley, and full of energy. My ds15 really started to bother my dd17 and she declared often that she disliked him etc. It wasn't until I took a step back and realised that every time my DD wanted to do anything ( like use the bathroom, kitchen, watch TV etc) my DS would immediately rush from wherever he was in the house and get there first, it was very interesting to me that I'd never noticed. I obviously put a stop to his behaviour and they now get on a lot better.
My DD also struggles to show empathy and probably would not realise that she needed to in the situation that you described about your DH.
I understand what you're going through, I have five DC altogether and three are definitely ASD and the other two have strong traits, it certainly makes for some unusual parenting problems.
I am asd too and am not sure about etiquette on forums and things , so I hope my comments are ok .
Best of luck

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 19/08/2025 20:19

Onwards in positivity @bendmeoverbackwards!

I suppose you could start with just not getting involved with their arguments?
So when either come to you with spurious whinges (like the lightswitch debacle) you just don't engage? It'll be hard I know!

Original poster
footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 18:10

I’m glad I posted and am taking all comments on board. Feel quite sad about it all, I grew up in fairly unhappy circumstances and all I wanted was my own family when I was older. It felt like a dream come true when the dds were younger. Now I feel it’s gone wrong and I am partly responsible for that. Disappointed with myself that I’ve made some parenting fails, I just hope I can rebuild the relationship with dd1.

When I’ve posted previously about this, there seemed to be more sympathy with dd3.

OP posts:
Original poster
footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 16:46

goldtrap · 19/08/2025 16:19

Dd1 seems to lack this, dd2 has also noticed this

omg your house sounds exhausting! Who said what, she said this, she didn't do that. Blimey. No wonder DD1 is like...yup, laters

So how do I improve things? Tell them I’m not getting involved any more? Dd3 tries her utmost to draw me in.

OP posts:
Original poster
footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 16:44

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 19/08/2025 16:30

So you dd3 and dd2 talk negatively about dd1 and dissect her behaviour.
Which am sure dd3 never feeds back to dd1
.. "mum says you have no empathy"...

Can't possibly wonder why she acts towards you like she does...

Show quote history

No, I didn’t discuss it with either of her sisters. Just something that Dh noticed.

OP posts:
PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 19/08/2025 16:30

footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 15:38

I’m pretty sure she did speak to Dh about it. Dd3, in spite of her difficulties, does have empathy. Dd1 seems to lack this, dd2 has also noticed this. And it’s not a recent thing.

Show quote history

So you dd3 and dd2 talk negatively about dd1 and dissect her behaviour.
Which am sure dd3 never feeds back to dd1
.. "mum says you have no empathy"...

Can't possibly wonder why she acts towards you like she does...

WhatNoRaisins · 19/08/2025 16:27

It sounds like DD1 is aware of how her siblings dislike her and is withdrawing as much as she can. From her perspective you are siding with DD3 and while obviously the reality is very nuanced she could see that as you being against her.

I've no idea if she lacks empathy as I don't know her but I'm always wary when people accuse others of this.

goldtrap · 19/08/2025 16:19

Dd1 seems to lack this, dd2 has also noticed this

omg your house sounds exhausting! Who said what, she said this, she didn't do that. Blimey. No wonder DD1 is like...yup, laters

Embarrassed Exit Strategy GIF
Original poster
footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 15:38

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 19/08/2025 15:30

dd2 offered words of comfort to her dad, think dd3 did too. Dd1 said nothing and continued to fuss over the cat.
Do you don't know if dd3 offered 'words of comfort'? She may not have, but you skim over that and focus on dd1?

Edited
Show quote history

I’m pretty sure she did speak to Dh about it. Dd3, in spite of her difficulties, does have empathy. Dd1 seems to lack this, dd2 has also noticed this. And it’s not a recent thing.

OP posts:
PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 19/08/2025 15:30

footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 11:59

@phoenixrosehere yes Dh is father to all 3. MIL’s speech is very bad so telephone contact is not possible at the moment. Yes I think Dh did expect some words of support, we’re looking at palliative care now sadly. Dh explained this to all of them, dd2 offered words of comfort to her dad, think dd3 did too. Dd1 said nothing and continued to fuss over the cat. She did visit her grandma with Dh though yesterday.

dd2 offered words of comfort to her dad, think dd3 did too. Dd1 said nothing and continued to fuss over the cat.
Do you don't know if dd3 offered 'words of comfort'? She may not have, but you skim over that and focus on dd1?

Maray1967 · 19/08/2025 14:06

footballfan1963 · 19/08/2025 11:22

I think it would annoy anyone if they wanted the lights on and someone else kept turning them off, no?

Show quote history

Yes, I agree - why was she turning them off? It seems reasonable to have them on by that time when it’s going dark. I would have a firm conversation with DD1 about this. But equally well, I would not tolerate an 18 year old eating dinner in their own room to avoid a sibling. But I don’t have ND DC, so I’m prepared to be told that has to happen.