Absolutely FUMING with ex MIL

The child doesn’t need an appointment as his issues are being treated so OP should cancel it.

Ring the surgery, ex0lain that your child has an appointment booked. Find out the date and time and turn up too. They cannot refuse you entry with you child.

Also find out from the surgery how they do the electronic system and set it up so that it messages YOU when an appointment is booked for your child.

I agree with this I would get a new toilet so he can feel comfortable in his own house and work on him being able to go elsewhere

Therein lies the problem. Brazil has a completely different mindset and good luck with dealing with it. Break off all communication with her.

This 100% Also contact the medical centre and state say this has happened without your permission. They are not allowed to see a child without their parent present. However, given her actions here I would raise your concerns and ask this to be flagged as a potential safeguarding concern

It's very easy for surgeries, schools etc to put a flag on the electronic file, so each time the records are opened the computer will display a warning screen that has to be acknowledged before you can move on. The staff would be notified to ask for a codeword before booking an appointment. OP could say for when anyone calls, or just if a female calls.

New toilet in your home, and if possible if you have more than one, one just for his exclusive use. Or those paper toilet seat covers for each time, which has a bonus point that they are portable for use outside your home? I'm sure you've tried these ideas,; the toilet seat covers worked for us, hence the suggestion!

As others have said - get yourself a new toilet! Worth every penny at this stage surely?!

She has massively overstepped but I don't know why you would have taken so many steps to facilitate contact with her when you have so many issues with her behaviour. You can't have it both ways unfortunately you will need to lose the babysitting on the weekend if you want to set boundaries. It sounds almost like there's been an odd 3 parent set up I don't know many grandparents who would think it was ok to book doctors appointments

Look at the user name and just ignore it. At least they are nice enough to flag what they are doing.

You contact your child’s doctor and tell them that only you or the child’s father can make medical appointments.

You see a lawyer and get Court orders drawn up so that both you and your ex have equal parenting time or you have primary custody.

You attend mediation with your ex so that he understands what he is doing is harmful.

Your son has ASD and needs structure and routine. The toilet issue is something that demonstrates this arrangement is harmful to your son. This would be too much for a normal kid to handle and it never should have been allowed to occur.

You should give your child an osmotic laxative drink so that he will poop in your toilet. He’s holding it in.

youve swung from one way right to the other-its not up to her to make appts

buy a new toilet do anything to stop this carrying on-shes trying to take over

You need to establish some robust boundaries.

You are entitled to stop trying to be civil as she can't behave appropriately. Advise the GP and school etc that she is not authorised to discuss your DS.

Not only that, he could help to choose it.

Agreed!

Maybe it would help if he cleaned the toilet at your house?

I would suggest that you give it a quick once-over first though so he can see that it's not visibly dirty in order to avoid feeding his OCD. He could have his own marigolds to use, clean with anti-bac wipes & then clean the bowl etc to his satisfaction.

Or, if have 2 toilets in your house, keep one just for his use with a sign on the door saying something along the lines of 'Toilet for the exclusive use of <name>' You could point out that, unlike at Granny's house, he has his own exclusive toilet.

Apparently Kenneth Williams never allowed visitors to use his lavatory as he had an OCD about it.

TBH

you could just cancel the appointment - tell ex you can't make that dy and have cancelled the appointment.

Not a lot anyone can do is there?

Why would you say something like this when OP has already said she has custody 70% of the time and after MiL was abusive the child wasn’t allowed to stay overnight for a year ? This isn’t about ‘free nights’ it’s clear OP is doing her best for her child.

and do the same with the school.

At school only parents/ legal guardians can state who is contacted by the school.
The school will not contact anyone who is not on that list. If a grandparent phoned up to discuss anything, they would be directed to the parents.
No one can collect a child if they are not on the contact list. I am very surprised a GP practice does not also have strict rules in place.

Urgh its a tough one

First get onto GP and make sure that there's a note on file that only mum or dad can make appointments and cancel the one she set up.

If you think its beneficial for dc to stay with granny one night a week Id go with Friday or saturday.

As someone who had a bit of a toxic granny - she was amazing to me but nasty to my mum (didnt realise this until got older around 14) if you think dc is ok then I would continue to let him stay overnight once a week with the proviso that she does anything like this again the visits stop

But then the poor OP won't have free overnight babysitting on the Friday or Saturday night!

Yes, do both of those things.

so have I got this correct

your ex is going to the doctors appointment that your ex MIL has made behind your back for your child.

This appointment is to discuss his allergies and his bowel habits?

Then your ex will be at the appointment and will afterwards tell you what was said?

Do you have the NHS app and have access to the written notes for your dc appointments? If so you'll be able to log on and see the notes from the appointment.

If you don't have the app do get it for yourself and dc, its really handy for all sorts of reason.

Do you think the MIL has a bee in her bonnet about this stuff and the doctor might explain to her whats happening and what should happen? Might it be better coming from the doctor about the bowel habits and that he doesn't have allergies?

Re GP appt. Ex MiL definitely overstepped the mark and I would also be fuming.
However, I have occasionally made GP appointments for my dgc but ONLY at their dm’s request or agreement if something cropped up whilst I was grannying.