To not want to give DC my mums name?

So sorry about your friend. I think it's a lovely idea to use her name.

Definitely present it as a fait acompli. We made this mistake with DD as she had my grandmother's and DH's grandmother's names as middle names. MIL was a bit aggrieved we didn't use her mothers name but a baby can only have one or two middle names (unless you are minor royalty) and we liked these ones the best. I think if we'd just have said these are her names she'd never have commented on it.

I'd never use my Mum's name or MILs as they are very 50s/60s and out of fashion! I think in some cultures you only use names to honour the dead anyway. Most importantly its your baby!

"No she didn't but they weren't close at all."

So she didn't name any kids after her mom but expects you to.

That's hilarious. Once your child is out and named, just laugh at her if she says anything about that and remind her of her own actions.

You might want to disentangle from that enmeshment and you have the perfect opportunity now. You're having a baby and you're busy. Space out the calls and visit more and more. If anyone says anything, you are really busy adjusting to being a new mom.

Another vote for not mentioning it beforehand. When your baby arrives, introduce her and move onto another subject and don't even engage with any facial expressions or comments she makes. It will honestly just feed into her victim mentality "This is Alice May Jones! We're so happy shes finally here but so tired! Thank you for the lovely gift/card/flowers. How was your trip here?". Style it out as best you can but I wouldn't give it any space in your brain whatsoever.

Find strength in this memory to stick to your guns and as a reminder as to why you would not want your daughter to have her name.

In that case I take it back and revert to my original post

If your DM were a caring mother she would understand how much your late friend meant to you and why you want to DD to have her name. As she doesn’t seem to be, I suggest you ignore her and go for what you want! I second the idea of a post-birth message just giving the names with a photo.
All the best for the delivery and enjoy your wonderful baby!

just finds it very very sad that not one has, when they have their partners family etc

I can sort of understand this.
It seems like the male half of each family has been included in the name (I presume by the child having the same surname as the father) but there is nothing from the mother’s side.

So perhaps it’s not that she wants a GC named after her but some representation of her/your side of the family, if the child will be having the surname from sons-in-law?

I would probably feel a similar way if I had daughters and all the GC had names from their fathers - more for feminist reasons rather than about me/my family.

Personally I don’t like children being burdened with other people’s names

I don’t know why your mum assumes that at least one of her grandchildren should have her surname.
Just name your DC whatever you and your DP agree upon.
Your sisters managed to get past the crestfallen look and so will you. If your mum makes a comment either ignore it or cut it dead by saying “don’t be silly, why would you expect that? I don’t expect DD to name any of her children after me”.

If you consider caving to someone's unreasonable wishes like naming someone else's kid because they make a hurt face, research fear, obligation, and guilt, aka FOG.

She got to name her kids. It doesn't matter if she named one after her mom. You name yours.

This ^

Your mum sounds a bit like mine, needing to be treated with kid gloves for fear of upsetting her, having expectations about things that, frankly, are not her decision. If I had had twelve days, none of them would have been given her name. As it happens, I had boys so then she started banging on about using my step dads name.
Name your child the names you want. Your mum will have to live with your decision.

I too would state (after the birth) that you decided as a couple not to use family names. The reason being you wanted DDs first name to be unique to her, and for the middle name, with there being two grandmas, you felt it would be unfair to honour one and not the other (and you had a strict preference for only one middle name). Acknowledge any disappointment she shows, but remind her the name was a decision for you and your DH alone, and you will not be made to feel guilty for your choices.

Out of interest, did she give her DMs name for you or any of your siblings?

@MiddleNameDilema you know her best.

I was just thinking save yourself any drama and upset while you're pregnant and let your little girl take all the attention after the birth.

Using other people's names for babies isn't a thing in our family, I don't even have a middle name, so I suppose it's easier for me to brush off reactions. My own DC said no family names and we all respected that as their choice.

She sounds a lot like my late MIL, in which case my best advice is no what YOU and the baby's father want with the name, as nothing you do will ever be enough anyway - if you give the baby your mother's name as a middle name, she will be offended it's not the first name; if you give the baby her name as a first name, she will barely acknowledge it as she is so busy being offended by the fact only one of her granddaughters is named after her. If it's not names, it will be something else. It sounds like there are good reasons you are low contact, as PP have suggested just announce the names when the baby is here, and when she kicks off, just remind yourself if it wasn't this, it would be something else.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend Giving the baby her name as a middle name is a lovely tribute.

(Edited for typos)

You don’t have to give your daughter any name other than what you want to give her.

Your relationship with your mum is probably a bit toxic if you feel expected to do so.

You should give your daughter the name you want and not feel the least bit of guilt whatsoever.

I was delighted to give my dd my mums name as a middle name. However it was never something my mum hinted at and she was surprised. I would not have done it if she were complaining about my sisters name choices or pressuring me.

You have an even better reason in that you want to use friends name so absolutely do that. All your other siblings have not named after your mum, she will get over it when you dont either.