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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to give DC my mums name?

118 replies

MiddleNameDilema · 18/08/2025 14:30

Have NC'd for this. If anyone knows me they could probably work it out but at this point I just need some guidance and can't ask anyone IRL!

I'm currently heavily pregnant with my first child, a girl.

I am one of 5 siblings. Of these, my mum has, altogether, no less than 7 granddaughters, my one being the 8th. None of my siblings have given any of their daughters my mums name as a middle name, and all have middle names.

The most recent granddaughter from my DSis was given two middle names - One of my sisters best friend and another of her husbands aunt who has passed away.

My mum made it very clear to me she was hurt by this and expressed shock and anger at the best friend name in particular. I think she said something to my Dsis or at least, knowing my mother, made a crestfallen face when she told her what the names were, as my Dsis said to me if she had another girl it would have to have Mum as a middle name. She has just given birth to her 2nd, but it was a boy.

So basically it has fallen to me. I'll be the last one and we are only having one.

I had kind of always assumed I would give any daughter I have my Dmums name as a middle name.

However, what I wasn't banking on was my best friend dying at 35 last year. It was the closest friendship I've ever had, I was there with her family when she died and I did a eulogy at her funeral. I miss her everyday and there is no question my daughter is having the strongest and most inspiring person I've ever known within her in some way.

My initial feelings was to have two middle names, my late friend and my DMum. But the more I've thought about it I just don't want it. I feel it waters down the impact of my friends name, they don't gel together as names, the first name we have picked out is already quite long, and to be honest I'm in a stage of low contact with my mother right now.

My childhood was chaotic and, whilst I know she loves me, my DMum can and recently has done some very hurtful, petty and borderline toxic behaviours to me.

I love her dearly but I feel stuck that I am now expected to give my DD her name, when there have been 7 other opportunities to do so before me. Had my friend not died I would be more open but as I said the relationship has been crumbling for some years now. I sort of resent that it's come down to me.

I am certain she is expecting it and will be hurt if I don't.

To my AIBU - AIBU to not give me only child my mothers name as a middle name in these circumstances?
And if not, how do I go about telling her, if at all? My instinct says to give her a heads up, explaining about my friend and that we don't want two middle names, so she has time to come to terms with it before DD is born. Or just leave it as all my other siblings have done?

Help!

OP posts:
PurveyorP · 18/08/2025 19:06

Do not name your lovely baby after your mother. Quite frankly your mother does not sound very nice. She sounds self obsessed and the kind that makes you feel guilty about everything. I have a similar mother. Why should you walk on eggshells around somebody. I can’t think of anyone worse to name your baby after in your case.

Please name her after your lovely friend so the associations are positive and full of love. Don’t name your baby after someone out of guilt. No way.

have a look at the stately home thread here. I don’t know if you realise how toxic your mother‘s behaviour is. You have got used to it over the years and are constantly trying to please her to no avail . It needs to stop, with therapy if needed.

Radiowaawaa · 18/08/2025 19:00

I’m a grandmother and it didn’t even cross my mind that my dc would use my name. All dgc have gorgeous names.

Radiowaawaa · 18/08/2025 18:59

My mum tried this. Her name is almost as bad as her parenting so absolutely no way would any of us gave our daughters her name!
My dd is everything that my mum isn’t.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/08/2025 18:55

MiddleNameDilema · 18/08/2025 18:54

Bit harsh.
My mum is infamous for being an almost completely hands of grandparent.
It's so bad that, when she didn't get the latest granddaughter a birthday present, my DSis bought her one 'from grandma' for her to open so she didn't know she didn't get her one. She will not be providing any childcare nor has she ever for any of her grandchildren, which is fine and her perogative.

I can tell you hand on heart had my friend not died an incredibly premature death she would be more involved in my DD's life than my own mother. But she can't. So this is my way of acknowledgement and I'd like it if you stop comparing my very much alive but absent mum with my dead friend.

@hoodiemassive - Thank you, I agree. She might be happy for 2 minutes after she initially finds out, but that will pass and meanwhile I've lumbered DD with two names when I only ever wanted one.

Show quote history

To play devil's advocate here.

If you call your daughter Isabel Sophie and tell your mum her name is Isabel Susan, is she ever likely to find out the truth?

Original poster
MiddleNameDilema · 18/08/2025 18:54
  • hands off
OP posts:
Original poster
MiddleNameDilema · 18/08/2025 18:54

RosenWilloughby · 18/08/2025 18:13

I adore my mum so named my daughter after her. Your daughter will be forming a close bond with hwr grandmother and will have an affinity with her - not your friend.

Bit harsh.
My mum is infamous for being an almost completely hands of grandparent.
It's so bad that, when she didn't get the latest granddaughter a birthday present, my DSis bought her one 'from grandma' for her to open so she didn't know she didn't get her one. She will not be providing any childcare nor has she ever for any of her grandchildren, which is fine and her perogative.

I can tell you hand on heart had my friend not died an incredibly premature death she would be more involved in my DD's life than my own mother. But she can't. So this is my way of acknowledgement and I'd like it if you stop comparing my very much alive but absent mum with my dead friend.

@hoodiemassive - Thank you, I agree. She might be happy for 2 minutes after she initially finds out, but that will pass and meanwhile I've lumbered DD with two names when I only ever wanted one.

OP posts:
hoodiemassive · 18/08/2025 18:45

Given your relationship with your Mother, I think you'd really regret naming your dd after someone who wouldn't be a positive influence in her life.

My Mother put pressure on me and I'm so pleased I stood firm. I am now NC with mine and it's brought me nothing but peace and joy.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 18/08/2025 18:36

RosenWilloughby · 18/08/2025 18:13

I adore my mum so named my daughter after her. Your daughter will be forming a close bond with hwr grandmother and will have an affinity with her - not your friend.

Read the room. This is a mother that is probably going to end up going NC with the grandmother!

RosenWilloughby · 18/08/2025 18:13

I adore my mum so named my daughter after her. Your daughter will be forming a close bond with hwr grandmother and will have an affinity with her - not your friend.

noworklifebalance · 18/08/2025 17:58

everardshutthatdoor · 18/08/2025 17:11

It’s not about sharing DNA, but about the child having a connection with the owner of their name, of being part of the tribute. The child will never know the friend but is being used as a memorial to her.

The OP could plant a tree to honour her friend, it would be a thing of beauty, would give pleasure to many for generations and be a lovely way to remember her.

Show quote history

It’s not about sharing DNA, but about the child having a connection with the owner of their name, of being part of the tribute

This makes no sense. The child doesn’t need a connection with the owner of the name - nobody can predict how long the owner of the name will live for after the child is born nor what sort of relationship the two of them may have. At least you know that it is very unlikely the dead relative/friend is going to screw over the recipient of the name at some point int he future.
They can just as easily plant a tree in tribute of the grandmother.
So, again, the grandmother doesn’t necessarily trump the friend whether either one be living or not.

A name should be given with positive feelings associated with it - whether it be simply because the parents think it is beautiful or they have happy memories associated with it.

If her daughter ever asks, OP can simply say that the name belonged to a friend that meant a great deal to her just like DD means to OP now. That’s it - no need to overthink it with connections with the living and the burden of the dead.
It’s not like a newborn ever had a say in their name anyway.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/08/2025 17:31

Your mum and all your siblings got to pick their own children's names.

You get to pick your child's name.

Maddy70 · 18/08/2025 17:28

No kid should be lumbered with a name of a dead friend or relative. I think that puts a weird pressure on them. I was named after my great grandmother and it was constantly referred to. I didn't know them so it was meaningless and drove me mad.
Just call your child what you want to, your other siblings haven't given into your mum why should you ?

MummaMummaMumma · 18/08/2025 17:16

Definitely do not give her your mum's name. Don't entertain it. Of she mentions it, just say no.

everardshutthatdoor · 18/08/2025 17:11

noworklifebalance · 18/08/2025 16:58

But if you really want to “honour” someone, don’t choose your dead friend over your living DM

But why? A mother doesn’t trump a friend, living or dead, just because you share half your DNA with them. There is so much more to being a mother/a parent than that, obviously, and only OP can decide that.

Edited

It’s not about sharing DNA, but about the child having a connection with the owner of their name, of being part of the tribute. The child will never know the friend but is being used as a memorial to her.

The OP could plant a tree to honour her friend, it would be a thing of beauty, would give pleasure to many for generations and be a lovely way to remember her.

noworklifebalance · 18/08/2025 16:58

But if you really want to “honour” someone, don’t choose your dead friend over your living DM

But why? A mother doesn’t trump a friend, living or dead, just because you share half your DNA with them. There is so much more to being a mother/a parent than that, obviously, and only OP can decide that.

everardshutthatdoor · 18/08/2025 16:48

MiddleNameDilema · 18/08/2025 15:32

Neither did I until my best friend died. It's an honour, not a burden.

Show quote history

It might not be to your DD. Sorry to be harsh, but your child has no connection to your friend so this is really about your feelings.

I can see why this would be hurtful to your DM. You might not care about that but you shouldn’t be surprised.

My preferred option would be to choose names you just like and leave the tribute bit out of it. But if you really want to “honour” someone, don’t choose your dead friend over your living DM.

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 18/08/2025 16:31

I wouldn't warn her and would just present your DD's full name after the birth. If you do it in advance it will be seen as open to negotiation.

moderndilemma · 18/08/2025 16:30

Does you mum have a middle name that might works better? We have a few family 'names' that run through various generations (and across different family branches) - my grandmother's middle name, my mum's middle name, my dh's middle name.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 18/08/2025 16:28

Never heard of anyone insisting their own name be used for a child. You must always do what makes you happy. You’ll be reminded every time you fill out your dd’s form etc.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 18/08/2025 16:26

You don’t want to give your DD your mums name. Your mum wanted one of her grandchildren to have her name, but all your siblings ignored this request. This doesn’t put an obligation on you, rather it removes it as all have done the same.

just announce with just your friends name as middle name. Don’t feel guilty, if anyone should it’s the sibling who had the first girl, they were the one to do it. As they didn’t, it’s not a thing in your family.

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/08/2025 16:25

I'd keep with the low contact because this isn't normal behaviour.

noworklifebalance · 18/08/2025 16:21

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 18/08/2025 16:11

It’s quite sad that in 2025 there is still the assumption that a) women change their names when they marry and b) that children get their father’s surname by default.

I know that’s what happens in the majority of scenarios, but if we don’t question it, it will continue to happen.

DH and I kept our own names and DD has both of them (one as her surname and the other as a second middle name - would have been too many syllables if double-barrelled).

Show quote history

Just to clarify, I am not saying that is what should happen. I have assumed that is what happened because (as per your second paragraph) that is what many do. Also there was something in PP’s post that made me think that.
I have kept my own surname and many women that I know who are of my generation have also kept their name (although not my family members - I think I maybe the only one).

mummybearSW19 · 18/08/2025 16:17

Do not discuss names beforehand. Do not get drawn into a convo about it with anyone in your family.

then after the birth present your new child in the usual way with name / weight etc
all done and dusted. Nothing to discuss.

eg we are delighted to announce the safe arrival of our beloved daughter Marguerite Francesca Smith. Born at St Thomas’s on 14 August 2025 at 2113, weighing 2.8kgs.

mum and baby are doing well and due home tomorrow.

done deal!

And do not enable any further discussion about names with your family.

good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Shinyandnew1 · 18/08/2025 16:17

None of my siblings would do that. We very much acquiesce to her and treat her with kid gloves so as not to upset her.

But these same siblings didn't name any of their children are her? So, why should you?!

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 18/08/2025 16:11

noworklifebalance · 18/08/2025 15:49

just finds it very very sad that not one has, when they have their partners family etc

I can sort of understand this.
It seems like the male half of each family has been included in the name (I presume by the child having the same surname as the father) but there is nothing from the mother’s side.

So perhaps it’s not that she wants a GC named after her but some representation of her/your side of the family, if the child will be having the surname from sons-in-law?

I would probably feel a similar way if I had daughters and all the GC had names from their fathers - more for feminist reasons rather than about me/my family.

Edited
Show quote history

It’s quite sad that in 2025 there is still the assumption that a) women change their names when they marry and b) that children get their father’s surname by default.

I know that’s what happens in the majority of scenarios, but if we don’t question it, it will continue to happen.

DH and I kept our own names and DD has both of them (one as her surname and the other as a second middle name - would have been too many syllables if double-barrelled).