To not want to give DC my mums name?

I gave one of my daughters my mums middle name and really regret it. She was always difficult and I knew she would be angry if we didn’t give my daughter her name as a middle name as we’d given my MIL’s name as my eldest daughters middle name. My mum’s behaviour just got worse and as my kids grew I realised just how abusive my childhood had been as I’d never treat my kids that way. We are now NC and my daughter feels uncomfortable having her name (even though I don’t mention my mums behaviour to her). Don’t do it!

I voted YABU, because my middle name is after my mums friend who died. I dislike the name and growing up found it a bit morbid.

Now I’ve had my own kids I do get it, and my LO has a grandparents name as middle name. But I really think you just need to choose a nice name that works well with the rest of the name.

I was given the name of a close friend of my parents who had died before I was born.... but they liked the name and didn't bang on about me being "called after" her.... it was something I only discovered when I was a teenager.
I have my mum's name as a middle name. DH has his Dad's name as a middle name so we actually gave DS1 OH's name as a middle name..... but I have never heard of an "obligation" or tradition to re-use one's own mother or father's name.... (at least not outside the Danish Royal Family where the Crown Princes are called Christian / Frederik / Christian / Frederik﹚.... we didn't re-use any of our parents' names although if we'd had a daughter we might have been tempted by the grandmothers' names because we liked them.... and that's what it comes down to. You choose names because you like them - either per se or for sentimental reasons, and no one other than the parents is entitled to have any expectations whatsoever about a child's given names.
Don't give your mother the headspace! She'll get over it.

@MiddleNameDilema

What an awful mother she is. Why would anybody want to call their child after such a poor excuse for a parent?

I am so sorry you lost your dear friend. I lost my best friend to cancer 10 years ago and I still miss her.

Your friend was taken far too soon at 35. But she will always live on in your heart and your memories . No one can ever take that from you. She must have been very special for you to want to name your daughter after her.

Ignore your mother's huffing and puffing. Cherish your friend's memory and her name, and your little girl when she finally arrives.

You are entitled to name your child by whichever name you decide. Your Mum does not have a God given right to have her granddaughter named after her (first or middle name). Your Mum is being very unreasonable to expect any of her children to name their children after her. She can feel upset/hurt, but your not responsible for her feelings or reactions - she is. You certainly shouldn't feel guilty either. I don't like my Mum's name (first or middle), so there was no way I'd have named a daughter after her. I dislike my Dad's first name too, but did give my son, my Dad's middle name as one of his middle names.

No don’t, this is your baby and your life. You will feel empowered eventually and she shouldn’t try and control:manipulate you. So sorry about your friend too, losing a friend is an awful grief and doesn’t get easier. Good luck ♥️

I am so sorry for the enormous heartbreaking loss of your dearest friend.

Kindly meant.....but.....are you out of your mind evening considering risking burdening your only child with your toxic mothers name?

Do not do it. Stay away from her.
Be low contact. Mute her.

.......do not reward manipulation with a naming link to your precious child with ANY association to your mother.

Best of luck to you.

YABU. Giving your daughter an extra middle name doesn’t in any way water down the other name. I mean if she had 10 other names, then maybe. (And btw your daughter will obviously never meet this friend, and it won’t mean anything to her, unlike, her grandmother, who she will have a relationship with, and will have her name when she also dies).

Name your daughter what you choose. Your mother had her turn with her own babies.
She'll get over it, and if she doesn't it will be her loss.

Both my Gran and my stepmum expected me to use my dad's name as my son's middle name. Both of them were disappointed.

My husband said that the entire point of giving a child a name is to mark them out as an individual so why give them a name that already belongs to someone else. This made sense to me so we never even discussed family names for our kids.

I’m so sorry about your friend. It’s totally up to you what you name your baby. Your mum’s named five babies, she’s had plenty of opportunities to chose the names she wants. Now it’s your turn, and you say it will be your only turn. So if every child has a middle name, she’s chosen 10 names and you will choose 2. I think I’d point that out to her when it comes to it.

Please don’t name your child after someone who’s not even nice to you just to placate them. Eventually your daughter will grow up and want to know about the history of her name. Either you’ve got to lie about your relationship with your mum, or you’ve got to tell your daughter the truth which means she’ll be stuck knowing she was named after someone who actually wasn’t very nice and it’s not even the name you wanted for her.

Sod what your mum thinks. Don’t tell her the names in advance, but if she tries to push about using her name I’d tell her very firmly that it’s not happening, and remind her how many baby names she’s already got to choose. I’d literally roll out the same response every time, “you’ve had five turns at picking names, this is my turn” and variations of that. Don’t try coming up with different arguments, that will encourage her to think of new counter arguments. Just keep firmly repeating the same thing every time she bring it up.

your idea to include you best friends name in your daughters name is lovely.

your mum chose yours and your siblings names & middle names, quite right too, her children.

the same is for you… your baby, you and your partner get to choose. I think (nicely) try and feel the perspective… it’s really not your problem how your mum deals with her self created issue.
youll regret it immensely if you bow down and give her, her wish over your own. Every document you fill out will be burdened with her name that you didn’t want.
do it for yourself and your daughter! Maybe chat with your sisters (without giving baby names out) get their perspective, it might help you.
announce your baby names when she’s here, you’ll be so in your love you’ll likely not pay much attention /gove much thought to how she does/doesn’t react xx

Your mum has had her children and got to name them as she chose. This is your time to do the same, and if she isn’t happy about it that is not your responsibility for how she feels. The sooner you get boundaries in place the better, this is your life and you get to choose what behaviour your own children will see as the normal as they grow up. Don’t have to let the past revive itself if you want to parent your own children differently to how you were raised or treated. Stick to your guns and take this opportunity to be the mum you would have wanted to have growing up without any manipulation or guilt. Best of luck!

Narcissist - it’s all about them , never admit that they could be in the wrong,…ever …..
Call your baby what you want.
I gave one child the same name as one of my best friends

As it happened, she also died young (40)
So even though my dd wasn’t named ‘after’ her, I am so glad they share the name.

Please, please don’t name your child after your mum. I can’t stress this enough. You’ll always regret it and wish you could change it after the fact. You have to love the name right from the beginning. It’s totally unreasonable of your mum to even hint at such a thing, and smacks of narcissism and self-importance.

Your DD will have to live with the name, and she’s her own person, not an extension of your mum. Your mum will have to get over herself and she’d get very short shrift from me if she dared to criticise. She’s your child - you choose the names you like best. No more discussion to be had, your mum should have no input into this whatsoever.

I am so sorry about your friend OP.

It’s a very personal decision and I am glad that no one on our family ever names children after other relatives. I think children deserve to be named for their own selves, with a name chosen by their parents because they like it.

Children are not memorial benches with a plaque.

So my personal choice would not be to use your friend’s name either, and I wonder how a child would feel, bearing the name of a person who died?

But you clearly feel this is important to you. If your Mum kicks off (or do much as purses her loos) maybe say “but mum you’re still alive! I’m hardly like to name Baby after you as a memorial! Baby will get to know you, love you, that is how my baby will honour and in due course remember you!”

Or you could say her name is Isabel Sophie Susan Jones but then claim that your partner went to register the birth and accidentally forgot the Susan (so the Susan part isn't on the birth certificate) if she ever catches on later.

My son's middle name is after a relative i loved dearly, who was like a second father to me and every time I see my son's full name written down, it brings back lovely memories.

Why would you name your child after someone who you are low contact with and who is frequently not very nice to you? I cannot get my head around that.

So what if she gossips about you to your siblings? Clearly none of them like her either.

Kindly, you care too much about what some nasty people think about you.

My DIL used the name of her best friend who tragically died as the middle name for my grandaughter. I think it was a lovely thing to do.

You should go ahead and use your friend's name with no qualms or guilt. She sounds like she was an amazing person. Your mum, not so much.

Why would she want to honour her very difficult mum over her best friend that she adored? From OP's description of her mum, she doesn't seem to deserve that honour.

'My childhood was chaotic and, whilst I know she loves me, my DMum can and recently has done some very hurtful, petty and borderline toxic behaviours to me.'