To not want to give DC my mums name?

DH is one of 4 brothers. His dad has the “family name” (but is known by his middle name, as did his grandad and his dad and his dad and so on.

My second husband came from a family like that - the eldest boy got the family name. So he had the same name (first name, middle name, AND surname) as his cousin, his uncle and his grandfather!!! Caused all sorts of confusion as you can imagine 🤔.

And he HATED his name. So when our daughter was born he was adamant that she wouldn't have any family name at all (even though the tradition didn't apply to girls) - not his mother's nor mine. Which I was fine with btw - luckily my brother who had 4 kids before I even started had taken care of that from my family's side.

You must name your baby what you and your husband want, it's not your responsibility to perpetuate a family name, and it's not a mark of disrespect either.

Like pp I think you are best to wait until after the birth before telling your mum. Otherwise she'll be on your case from now on. And what if the scans are wrong and it turns out to be a boy?

I think your emotions are telling you that more than one middle name dilutes the other: it won’t. My dc have two middle names each: one from each side. Their first names are “new”, i.e. not family names (although dd1 does share her name with a relative that was around in the 1700s, we discovered after she was born - God bless my gm and her rigorous family tree record!).

Definitely recommend not telling anyone names until the baby is born. I got so annoyed with the constant questioning with dd2 I everyone it was going to be Esmerelda for girl and Kermit for a boy. One of my colleagues who clearly had good manners responded “Oh, Kermit - so unusual. Is it a family name? It’ll be nice to honour them if so, won’t it”

No way, don’t feel pressured into naming your daughter for someone else! You and she will have to live with it forever. Your best friends name is much more meaningful.

My sister gave my nephews middle names of her husbands parents (think MIL being along the Sam vibes) which was a bit tight on my mum I thought. However I am not big on middle names so we haven’t done it with either or our daughters (we used a family name from my OH’s side). My mum did suggest one of my daughter’s names though and we loved it so she did feel included! Could you let her think she was involved in choosing DD’s name?

this.

My family has a girl’s name which all the girls have somewhere, however when my sil was pregnant, my db made it super clear that he and his wife were not going to use it and refused to say what names they had chosen. It’s entirely your choice, don’t lumber your dd with a name you don’t want for her. Just keep deflecting and go with whatever you want. Your mum sounds pretty awful if you’re having to put in boundaries, tbh.

This is your child not your mum’s. You name your daughter whatever you want to name her. If mum doesn’t like it, too bad. This is your moment, your joy, your choice.

I don’t think names should not be given to “keep the peace,” they should be given because they are something the parents love and is meaningful to them and their own individual lives and stories. And tbh, your mum should want that for you and embrace whatever you decide to name YOUR child.

As someone who had a had a parent that tried to guilt and talk them out of a name I loved, I can confirm I’m glad I stayed firm and kept the name I wanted. I absolutely love my son’s name. Top tip: don’t tell anyone what you’re naming your child, just announce after they’re born ❤️ Congrats!

Do NOT tell your sister.
You risk drama.
Announce AFTER the baby is born.

In fact tell no one you are even in labour.
No risk of people like your mother turning up at the hospital.

Years ago my friend had a niggly mother who used to give little digs, not just to her, everyone.
It was just her way.

My friend kept her plans and dates vague by moving them 10 days later.

She had heard her mother passive aggressively say "how will she manage the pain, she makes such a fuss about a stubbed toe"🙄 simply not true.

She gave birth one night and told no one for two days and when she did her mother rushed in and found her freshly showered and feeling very well.

She queried when the baby was born and she was told I want privacy and not digs about how I was coping.
She said tjis clearly in front of a nurse and inlaws.
Her mother was very mortified and offended but something changed in my friend, she no longer cared.

Her mother went off to sulk for days and wasn't contacted by my friend, until her mother asked to seek the baby and was told 2pm next week.

Her mother tried to smooth things over but after 34 years my friend she liked the peace and was going to keep it.

Later that year they got married with only her their two best friends, no family at all.
No christening as they are not religious.

Family realised they had married when she started wearing a gorgeous rock on her finger and wedding band.

She has the strictest boundaries now.
Her mother is a lot less pass remarkable with her two sisters since this happened.

I'm sorry about your friend OP. I think it's lovely to give your daughter her name.

No chance I would be pressured into using my mother's name if I didn't want to. You get to choose what you call your children, not her. I don't bow to narcissists.

Is there any reason why you need to announce the middle name?

Just post a photo on the group chat along the lines of, "Isabel was born this morning at 5:17am weighing 7lbs 3oz, we are both doing well."

Give your family as little information as possible.

Then go and register her with whatever middle name you like.

Literally no need for anyone to know her middle name unless they specifically ask.

Yo must do what you want, but a second middle name does not dilute the impact of the first. Rightly or wrongly, I suspect if you do give her your Mum’s name, she will be her favourite grandchild and will be doted on far more than if she isn’t. In your shoes, I’d add it alongside your friend’s name simply to please her.

A Jewish friend told me that in her religion, you never name a child in honour of a living person but to remember a recently deceased one. Honour your late friend, as you wish to do. It's a lovely gesture.

@MiddleNameDilema my eldest child has my friend’s name as her middle name. My friend died when she was young. My daughter has always loved being named after her and has heard all about her. It’s a lovely way to honour a friend, in my opinion.

Did she give any of her daughters her own name ? If she did isn’t that enough ? If she didn’t why not ? And why should you ? My mil wanted us to us her grandmother’s name - Charlotte - but never used it on her own daughter ( my sil) . She totally sulked when neither of our daughters was given that name. I just didn’t like it. But she got over it - or didn’t - not my problem.

Just name your daughter after your friend . You will regret it if you don’t especially if your relationship with your mother continues to decline. Her crestfallen face will last moments , your daughters name is forever

Say that as the youngest of five you didn't want to offend the other siblings by taking it.

Then explain about your friend.

I've never known any parent on insisting on their name being used.

OP you are looking at this the wrong way.

You are about to have a baby, this is the most excellent opportunity for some parenting practice.

One of the most important parenting rules is that you never ever give into tantrums.

Your Mum can have as big a tantrum as she likes, practice not giving in.

After all, tantrums are unpleasant but what power does she actually have?

The child she has the best relationship with is about to have a baby, if she falls out with you where does that leave her?

Badly behaved people only have power if you give it to them.

Let her rant and rave. Shrug your shoulders at her and she’ll get over it quicker.

I am so very sorry about your lovely friend.

Will she let it go if you tell her now or will she try and get your sisters to get you to change your mind? I think you should wait and let it be a surprise.

How awful that you have lost your lovely friend, I'm so very sorry. 😔
Of the 5 children your mum had - did she give any of you her name?
Please please give your child the names you want - remember that every time you look at your child or use their name it needs to be a name you like! I agree that I would keep the name until baby has arrived as less chance of giving people the chance to apply pressure and get under your skin and change your mind. I wish you well with the rest of your pregnancy.

One of my DC has two first names (no hyphen) and no middle name....which solves this problem! It's two separate first names and we just use one or the other or both. Can then say you've decided not to have a middle name!

I had an emergency C-section with my eldest. When I was allowed visitors the next day I was quite tearful, vulnerable and not feeling 100% and in comes my mum requesting I gave my son my maiden name as his middle name or double barrel it with my married surname. This was because my dad had two daughters and was the only son on his side, my maiden name goes when he does basically. I said no, I don’t like double barrel surnames, my kids are named the same as their dad and myself and I’d already given my dads name as my sons middle name. This wasn’t good enough as she purred it whilst stroking my son knowing I couldn’t run her out of the place. She kept asking when she knew my DH was chatting to other relatives. Very manipulative and taking advantage of me when I was at my worst. We aren’t very close and I told her that her behaviour was unforgivable and ratted her out to everyone on both sides. We also decided not to christen our children which caused WW3. Narcissistic behaviour, keep at arms length. Please keep strong and avoid at all costs. It never stops.

Yes let her be disappointed

it’s controlling behaviour

In your shoes, I would just let her be disappointed. You are under absolutely no obligation to name your child after her and it doesn't sound like you much want to. You are not responsible for her feelings, they are hers to manage. It's actually kind of crazy entitled that she would expect it?

I would 100% say nothing, and then announce the name of the child after the birth. You really do not need to apologise, reason, explain.

Consider doing a bit of reading about how to manage toxic parents, she sounds very difficult.

I'm really sorry about your lovely friend.