Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this sound like he cheated (yes I snooped)

148 replies

imsolosthere · 18/08/2025 12:00

Husband and I have not been on the best terms, barely talking but keeping it calm and civil for the kids while we figure out where we go.

anyway he was offered two tickets to a concert at the weekend and asked if I wanted to go, I said i would but think the athmosphere between us would ruin it for us both so maybe he should ask a friend.

it then came out that the tickets would include a dinner with his boss and others high up so he said he knew I wouldn’t want to do that so he brought his male friend, all fine.

he txt a picture of him and his friend and asked me to leave a key out. He arrived home at 3am, been a long time since he stayed out so late but wasn’t drunk at all. Next day I just asked where he went after the concert and he just ignored it.

I did get a chance to have a Quick Look in his phone and turns out there was 4 tickets and another girl he’s friendly with from work went with her friend. They are txting where to go for dinner before, so no dinner with boss! And then there is calls between them after and directions to a bar, he then txt her to say he’s home and she txt back, chat soon xxx

he has also taken today off work! I feel I need more time with his phone 🫣

OP posts:
Pinkdhalia · 19/08/2025 18:52

Put GPS on his phone Live360 is one it’s free then if he checks out ok you can remove it if he’s cheating you’ll have the answer

Frostynoman · 19/08/2025 18:46

Very casually tell him you’ve texted/emailed his boss to send your apologies for missing the meal and watch him squirm

momtoboys · 19/08/2025 18:29

lotsofpatience · 18/08/2025 13:05

Snooping into someone's phone is abhorrent behaviour. You should be ashamed of yourself.
I don't condone your husband either. He is evidently up to no good.
You better address this in more honorable ways.

This comment and others like it make me want to laugh. If I suspect something is going on with my DH I would ABSOLUTELY snoop. I wouldn't feel one bit guilty about it. 😂

Louise122 · 19/08/2025 18:21

Sounds like you’re both miserable and need to decide what you want to do. Don’t stay for the sake of the kids, it never works and they pick up the resentment anyway.
Find a sensible way forward for you all.
you’ve snooped so the trust is gone

GiveDogBone · 19/08/2025 18:14

OK, YABU for looking through his phone. And the “dinner with boss” thing is weird because you said that came after you’d turned down the tickets.

But YANBU to think he might have cheated, maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. Maybe he went back to hers for drinks and nothing happened. You don’t know?

The point is that you admitted as much in the first sentence that your marriage is over. Married couples don’t “barely talk”.

Sit him down, don’t mention the phone snooping and figure out what’s best for the both of you. Doesn’t seem to me that’s remaining in a sham relationship. Which is what have now.

DarklingIlisten · 19/08/2025 00:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

researchers3 · 19/08/2025 00:31

Cookiecrumblepie · 18/08/2025 12:03

well he has clearly lied. I would suggest you just ask him

Oh yes, of course, because he's so honest he's just going to tell her?!

DarklingIlisten · 19/08/2025 00:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

MeganM3 · 19/08/2025 00:19

If you’re emotionally / romantically checked out anyway and have had a rocky few years anyway then it can hardly be a surprise that he wants some attention and connection. How do you actually feel about it?

Separating isn’t always the best thing, you have 5 kids and it could be really hard for you practically financially and emotionally.

I know the narrative is always LTB if he’s looked outside the marriage. But you are not weak if you decide to stay and try to work through it. Affairs are really common, more so than people care to think about. Your underlying issues might be solvable. Whichever way you go will be really difficult.

DarklingIlisten · 19/08/2025 00:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

DarklingIlisten · 19/08/2025 00:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

DarklingIlisten · 19/08/2025 00:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

BusyMum47 · 18/08/2025 16:39

imsolosthere · 18/08/2025 16:08

Would we not be made sell the house? I wouldn’t be able to afford the mortgage and going back to work would be pointless as childcare would cost more than I would earn

Show quote history

Yeah, probably, I'm afraid, but not immediately. It's rubbish & unfair. 😢

ginasevern · 18/08/2025 16:38

@lotsofpatience

"Snooping into someone's phone is abhorrent behaviour. You should be ashamed of yourself. I don't condone your husband either. He is evidently up to no good.
You better address this in more honorable ways."

What, just like the honourable way her husband has behaved? Probably shagging a side piece from work and shamelessly gaslighting his wife. Actually treating her as if she's fucking stupid and worthless. The OP has got a 2 month old baby to think about as well, not just herself. When the chips are down we do what we can to protect ourselves and our kids and if that involves reading documents or looking at someone's phone messages, then so be it. What's the alternative? Consulting a psychic? Because you can bet your last dollar that her husband isn't going to tell the truth or do the "honourable" thing unless (or until) it suits him.

stayathomer · 18/08/2025 16:36

There is also a chance dh’s is just a friend/ work colleague and this did all happen by chance and the phone calls were more of an innocent well are you about, we’re here thing, and she’s an idiot that puts X’s at the ends of messages. Don’t discount that that could actually be the case

usedtobeaylis · 18/08/2025 16:25

There's no real indication that he's cheated but he has lied and manoeuvred you into declining the invitation. Which suggests he may want to cheat. He hasn't tried to 'reconnect' with you at all. I'm not going to judge you for looking at his phone.

Edit: Just saw you've got a two month old, prime time for cheating unfortunately.

ginasevern · 18/08/2025 16:22

"this woman is his running partner in work and I find it odd that he has taken today off."

Yep OP, he's cheating. He completely lied about the whole evening, knowing full well that you wouldn't want to go out with his boss and six blokes. He also knew you didn't stand a chance of getting a babysitter. Then he went out as a foursome with his mate and two women, one of which is his "running partner" (yeah right). The texts and looking you up on instagram are a give away too. You know what it all means really. Sorry OP.

bumbaloo · 18/08/2025 16:20

lotsofpatience · 18/08/2025 13:05

Snooping into someone's phone is abhorrent behaviour. You should be ashamed of yourself.
I don't condone your husband either. He is evidently up to no good.
You better address this in more honorable ways.

And here you are. There is always one 🙄

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 18/08/2025 16:09

just playing devil’s advocate, would he really have invited you to the event first if he wanted to hook up with this woman? What if you had said yes?

I also don’t think it’s unusual that she’s looked at your social media if she looked after your puppy before.

Just ask him. If you can’t trust what he says then the relationship is in a really bad place.

BuckChuckets · 18/08/2025 16:09

imsolosthere · 18/08/2025 16:03

Iv also seen that she looked at my instagram stories before and she would have to search for me because he doesn’t have social media and we would have no friends in common.

This sounds like something I do if I've got a mad crush on someone.

Original poster
imsolosthere · 18/08/2025 16:08

BusyMum47 · 18/08/2025 16:06

I'm so sorry. You're trapped in a very difficult, shitty situation.

If it's any consolation, with 5 kids, a judge will rule that you'll be the one staying in the house & he'll be the one having to leave & pay child support etc.

Show quote history

Would we not be made sell the house? I wouldn’t be able to afford the mortgage and going back to work would be pointless as childcare would cost more than I would earn

OP posts:
BusyMum47 · 18/08/2025 16:06

imsolosthere · 18/08/2025 15:59

It doesn’t seem so easy to just walk away. I think I am mentally and romantically checked out but we have 5 kids 11 down to 2 months, we bought a bigger house just two years ago, pouring all our money into it the last few months with renovations, I’m a sahm with no income and I know for a fact he won’t leave the house which I won’t want to either.

I'm so sorry. You're trapped in a very difficult, shitty situation.

If it's any consolation, with 5 kids, a judge will rule that you'll be the one staying in the house & he'll be the one having to leave & pay child support etc.

Original poster
imsolosthere · 18/08/2025 16:03

Iv also seen that she looked at my instagram stories before and she would have to search for me because he doesn’t have social media and we would have no friends in common.

OP posts:
Original poster
imsolosthere · 18/08/2025 16:02

lostinchaos · 18/08/2025 14:33

If she is his running partner and they appear to have a friendship outside of work, I suspect he has a crush on her and might already be involved in some kind of emotional affair. It doesn't necessarily mean he is sleeping with her, but he is clearly feeling unsettled and/or guilty about something, as why else would he lash out at you on your anniversary and be avoiding work? I think the main issue here is that he has lied about the goings on of the evening, and as your marriage is already under significant strain, this is a ticking time bomb if she is interested in him too. Were there more messages between them that you didn't have a chance to read?

The messages above are just about running and pictures of their running stats.

she even minded our puppy while we went on holiday earlier in the year

OP posts:
Original poster
imsolosthere · 18/08/2025 15:59

It doesn’t seem so easy to just walk away. I think I am mentally and romantically checked out but we have 5 kids 11 down to 2 months, we bought a bigger house just two years ago, pouring all our money into it the last few months with renovations, I’m a sahm with no income and I know for a fact he won’t leave the house which I won’t want to either.

OP posts: