Odd little thing at my father's funeral

Yes, I'd also assume it was a simple mis-step in communication rather than a plan, especially if you're not generally in contact with them.

(Did your mother actually say that your nievces/nephews aged around 10 'wouldn't be attending because they had other priorities', though? That makes them sound like harassed middle-aged professionals, rather than young children with a ballet class or football match, and would be the odd thing for me.)

It's a bit attention seeking isn't it? "Look at my children! We've got them to put on a performance at a funeral by reading something to everyone! Aren't they amazing??" It just seems a bit inappropriate, really. I wonder which adult put them up to it, DB or your DM.

I would assume a lack of communication rather than a surprise or anything sinister. There's always so little time to arrange a funeral. Why does it bother you?

If you've got kids too it would look odd for some grandkids to be involved and not others. It's odd to spring surprises at a funeral

This, did your children not then attend as you were told his wouldn't?

Can you elaborate why this bothered you op? Was it that your brother hadn't cleared it with you first? Were you the main organiser?

If you aren't in touch much, they probably just didn't think to tell you there was a change of plan, it doesn't sound like anything unusual. I'm sorry for your loss, sometimes those with the worst parent relationships seem to feel it more when the parent dies.

It's a bit strange to spring the surprise, even because I can't imagine what the order of service looked like, as that tells everyone what's going to happen next.

Not sure I'd see it as a brownie point thing but it's certainly odd.

What do you think the circumstances were, that your mother believed what she was telling you and your brother sprung this surprise, which is just weird, why would he potentially upset people by saying his kids didn't care and then be all 'ha! Tricked you! Such fun at the funeral!'

Or was it your mother saying something she knew was untrue?

Perhaps the kids surprised their dad by actually wanting to do something nice for their grandad's funeral.

Is it possible that they changed their minds/schedule and no one told you as they don’t talk to you much?

I’ve seen more rows about ways to bury and have funerals for people than I care to remember. People get weird ideas in their heads and behave out of character. This is a moment to be as accepting as you can manage and to hope that the special tap dance or whatever cousin Amelia is going to do doesn’t go on too long. It meant something to them at the time; try to move on.

What difference does any of this make to you? Your DD is dead, you have little contact with your family. It's all a bit of meaningless nonsense. Choose your battles.

Doesn’t matter really, as it’s done now, and you don’t have much to do with your family anyhow. I doubt it will cheer you up to criticise them for their choices, in any healthy way.

That’s all a bit strange. And exactly the sort of shit my mother would pull as she is about appearances not reality. Feeling a bit sad for the kids who are props to someone else’s show it seems.