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Original poster

Friend makes little digs

64 replies

Irritatingmen · 18/08/2025 10:09

I’m buying a house and have been a bit cagey about the price (because I’m receiving help) and also so as not to tempt fate. I haven’t found anywhere yet.

i am very close to my friends and we talk about a lot but one keep asking quite personal questions - how much is your salary? Whats your budget? What are you looking for?

I know that she wants to buy a house with her partner but I don’t know her salary, where they are looking, what their budget is and she’s keeping it all close to her chest. Fine but then why push me.

Anotehr friend of mine has recently bought and randomly volunteered how much they paid and what the process was like. I mentioned to first friend and she said, oh yes I like it when people are open about things, it’s so much nicer isnt it than being secretive. I smiled and said yes that’s true but I guess it’s hard when you’re in the middle of it and still looking - said I thought my other friend could now be more open given they were out the other side.

Am I being over sensitive or would others be annoyed about this too? It seems like double standards a bit

OP posts:
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itsonlytuesdayzzz · 19/08/2025 07:41

If she brings it up again simply tell her that, like she, you don’t like to divulge details of your earnings or budget to anyone and redirect the conversation to a more positive vibe.
Have a few replies prepared in advance to steer the conversation away from personal financial detail…Talk about how really look forward to you all owning your own homes/ isn’t it such an exciting time/ aren’t we all just so fortunate to be able to buy a home/ oh did you see XYZ bank have reduced their interest rate etc etc.
Big events like weddings/house purchases/babies can often stir up competition and jealousy. You don’t want that to taint your experience.

DarklingIlisten · 19/08/2025 00:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

Brainstorm23 · 18/08/2025 16:41

If she's going to visit your new house then she can easily just google it and find out what it was listed for. Of course you might be paying over or under asking but she'll still know a rough figure.

IdontgiveaFork · 18/08/2025 16:29

We didn’t tell a soul we were saving for a deposit for a house and we had a mortgage in principal. We bought the house got the keys then told everyone . It caused utter uproar and we found out what people truly thought of us . Apparently we we supposed to have ended up in a council flat / bed sit on the tough side of town . The nastiness jealousy we got was off the scale .

IdontgiveaFork · 18/08/2025 16:25

Just say you’re having a break from looking as you can’t find what you like . Beware of telling her what you are looking at because she will stream in and offer more if she likes the house you have put an offer on . This happened to someone I know

Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 18/08/2025 16:16

There's a good reason for not discussing your finances with others. It tends to lead to either bad comparison making, jealousy or resentment. I think it is probably thought to be old fashioned to be secretive these days, but ime can save bad feeling between people. Your friend should accept that you aren't comfortable telling her, you don't owe her this information ffs.

Shinyandnew1 · 18/08/2025 16:13

When she asks a specific question, I would address it.

I'm on £50k, what about you?

If she declines to answer, then say, 'you asked me and I answered, are you not going to do the same?'

Then if she doesn't, don't answer any more questions

the5thgoldengirl · 18/08/2025 16:09

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

the5thgoldengirl · 18/08/2025 16:08

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TheGoldoffEternal · 18/08/2025 16:07

How friends friends you are

tuvamoodyson · 18/08/2025 16:01

I have friends I’ve had for 40 years….I know nothing about their finances and they know nothing about mine, same with my family. I’m in the ‘it’s no-one’s business’ camp.

99bottlesofkombucha · 18/08/2025 15:52

I’d laugh and say that’s quite personal - I don’t believe you’ve shared your house budget /your household income…

historyrepeatz · 18/08/2025 15:50

It is rude, mostly because she’s guarded about hers whilst trying to get yours and making you feel bad for not sharing. Next time be more blunt and say ‘you first’. The house price she will be able to see anyway once you’ve bought it.

FeistyFrankie · 18/08/2025 15:40

Are you even really friends if you can't share stuff like this?

Drivingthevengabus · 18/08/2025 15:13

LadyKenya · 18/08/2025 13:23

Why though? What are the benefits of discussing the budget with people/ friends who are not helping you financially? There is no need.

Show quote history

It's not really about whether there are benefits - I'm just saying I, personally, would be happy to say that if I were in a conversation and someone asked me a direct question.

I'm not saying everyone else should do the same as me. I understand that everyone has different boundaries on stuff like this.

Original poster
Irritatingmen · 18/08/2025 14:58

I think she’s trying to compare and benchmark herself but nothing good ever comes out of doing that. And I don’t think it will bring us closer together; if anything the opposite.

yes it will be published on sale, in which case she can have a look then. It will be obvious and people can work it out but it’s not something I explicitly want to share e because it’s private. Why should someone know exactly how I’ve financed something.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 18/08/2025 14:49

X, I'm not comfortable discussing my financial affairs with you.

This would ping my radar and not in a good way if she's always asking about finances and I'd shut that down. It's weird and there's a smell of an ulterior motive.

Dozer · 18/08/2025 14:45

Replace ‘secretive’ with ‘private’.

The gossipy/goady bit was raising the topic of your mutual friend’s openness about her finances.

Original poster
Irritatingmen · 18/08/2025 14:28

@PullTheBricksDown sorry I didn’t answer your question. No I have never directly asked but she has. She’s quite direct so will just ask lots of personal qs without saying anything herself

OP posts:
Original poster
Irritatingmen · 18/08/2025 14:27

@PullTheBricksDown it came out randomly that I was house hunting so I didn’t bring it up. I just said I didn’t want to jinx anything. I have since found out she’s doing the same which is completely fine - she mentioned she’d been to viewings a while back so it sort of feels like a double standard. She wants to know everything with my search but is keeping hers secretive.

She just suddenly blurted out, how much are you on by the way? And how much will you borrow? She’s very secretive about finances and has said her partner has lots of money but won’t (which is completely her right) say how much - but is pushing me hard to reveal these things.

She doesn’t talk about her salary, just vague comments about tax bands but does seem to want to know exactly how I’m doing so she can compare I guess?

notbinf wrong with it but I’m of the opinion that you should volunteer first and then ask.

also I wasn’t goading. I don’t think I have any obligation to reveal anything to anyone! Also I’m still working out things like budgets and that’s quite personal.

i have in the past mentioned things like bonuses and she looked shocked and would just say it was a lot. So I quickly stopped. This was after her pushing to know details so I figured out it wasn’t a sensible move

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 18/08/2025 14:08

Irritatingmen · 18/08/2025 10:17

Thanks, I am receiving a fair amount of help which I would admit to but don’t really want to quantify as it’s not fair on the people who are helping - it’s knowledge of their finances basically and they’re private people.

she won’t tell me how much she’s on or what her budget is so I don’t feel desperate to share. I also think it’s rude to ask and not share!

Have you asked her these questions straight out? If so, how has she phrased her reply?

BeZippyNavyHiker · 18/08/2025 14:06

She will be able to see the sold price on land registry so you're wasting your time not saying anything.

DiscoBob · 18/08/2025 14:04

I guess if she was also looking, she might have wanted to kind of compare notes, or maybe she is just being a bit nosey.

If you've got help but are trying to style it out, it could seem unnecessarily secretive. Lots of people do.

I guess I hope your friends wouldn't act jealous or judgemental if they found that out?

But of course you don't need to say anything. Once you do find somewhere they can look up the price anyway, even if you don't tell them.

Coconutter24 · 18/08/2025 13:58

DeLaRuiz · 18/08/2025 11:24

Yes, that’s your answer, that’s your norm. On a discussion forum there are many different norms. Amongst my family and friends we would wonder why you are so cagey and what you were hiding from.

Show quote history

There are many different norms which is why I shared my experience. You basically said someone who you wouldn’t share that information with is not a friend just an acquaintance…. Which is fine if that’s your norm but it’s not everyone’s norm

Someone2025 · 18/08/2025 13:57

Irritatingmen · 18/08/2025 10:09

I’m buying a house and have been a bit cagey about the price (because I’m receiving help) and also so as not to tempt fate. I haven’t found anywhere yet.

i am very close to my friends and we talk about a lot but one keep asking quite personal questions - how much is your salary? Whats your budget? What are you looking for?

I know that she wants to buy a house with her partner but I don’t know her salary, where they are looking, what their budget is and she’s keeping it all close to her chest. Fine but then why push me.

Anotehr friend of mine has recently bought and randomly volunteered how much they paid and what the process was like. I mentioned to first friend and she said, oh yes I like it when people are open about things, it’s so much nicer isnt it than being secretive. I smiled and said yes that’s true but I guess it’s hard when you’re in the middle of it and still looking - said I thought my other friend could now be more open given they were out the other side.

Am I being over sensitive or would others be annoyed about this too? It seems like double standards a bit

Definitely don’t tell her your wage as she will eventually be able to tell how much ‘help’ you got if you do this

I would probably say my approx budget (if she shares hers only) as they will be able see what you bought the property for eventually anyway

Your friend is very nosey and is probably a bit put out that you may be able to buy a house of around the same value ( guessing) as her and her boyfriend jointly when she probably assumed you wouldn’t be able to

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