Breach of Alcohol Undertaking Family Court

I hate to tell you, but if these "blips" are causing you to become unsafe for your kids they aren't just "blips". I think you need to face up to the impact they actually have on your kids and seek appropriate treatment. Sorry to say that a good mum is not a mum who drinks till she becomes unsafe around her own children.

I do hope you sort this out - for your children's sake. I've just seen a girl in my DD's class go through this. There was always an excuse for another relapse. It was never really her fault, she was a good mum, loved her daughter, etc. I can tell you that this poor girl has been really messed up. I am not saying this to be harsh, or to make you feel bad, but because it's the reality of what you are doing to your kids and you are just calling it a "blip". Face up to your issues and the potential damage you can do. And then either fix it or stay away.

My ex was one of the classic middle-class "it's wine o'clock!" type mums. She'd always liked a drink but she was very good at hiding it and it took me a long time to realise just how much she was drinking. What she was less good at hiding was the increasing volatility and abusive behaviours her drinking triggered, I just didn't understand where it was coming from.

Once her drinking became evident and she tried several times to stop, she changed tune and said it was all my fault so I ended the relationship. She moved out, we tried 50:50 care for a while but after several bad drunken situations social services got involved and our children ended up on the child protection register. They lived with me full-time from that point on and saw her when she was sober. Sometimes she was sober for a few weeks, sometimes a few months, once - after being in rehab - she was sober for a whole year. But she always eventually drank again. The older she got the less her body was able to cope and she eventually drank herself to death.

Was she a good mum? That's a difficult one to answer. She had many good qualities. I know she loved our children deeply. But despite knowing what impact it would have on her and our children, she repeatedly chose to drink. The impact her drinking and unreliability had on them was profound. It's difficult to reconcile her good points with the scars she left behind.

This is where you need professional help. I suggest you don't even think about any kind of residency until you have at least a year of sobriety under your belt. You need to accept that you can't drink again, ever. Accept that you are powerless over alcohol and go from there.

Working through why you use drink as a coping mechanism and then finding better ways of coping will be key to your recovery.

I am your partner in this scenario and my husband also lost everything, including his life. Stop using minimising language, accept how serious this is and do the work. I wish you well.

Respectfully though, if your losing your children to alcohol then your not a good mum. It’s the reality. You can’t hid behind the excuse of “im a good mum but…” your not. You’re failing your children and putting them in danger. You need to have a very honest conversation with yourself and accept that you’re not being the mum you should be. Getting help is one thing but being able to have the difficult conversations with yourself island accepting that your failing them and need to do better is what’s will push you through when recovery gets hard (which it will).

You need to step away from the minimising language - slips... Blips.. Etc
That is who you are at the moment - an alcoholic who puts alcohol before the kids. You need to cut out the drinking. You cannot have 1 drink.
Your love counts for nothing if you cannot keep them safe. You've let your kids down.
You have the power in you to change things. But you need to accept your alcoholism is your responsibility and that you are not a good mum right now to begin that journey. I wish you luck. Get help, get counselling. Work on being the mum you have the potential to be.

Is your partner the same person as their dad? I initially assumed they were 2 different people.
I understand your kids want to be with you, but is their dad able to provide them with stable family life? If so then they are best with him while you work to resolve your issues with alcohol.
If he has taken steps to separate from you and go for residency in best interests of the kids it sounds like he is stepping up to do the right thing.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery OP.

Having been in your ex's shoes, I'd imagine his view of you drinking just one drink is heavily informed by past history where you've planned to have just one and then ended up having many more.

You might have lost the current battle but you haven't lost the war. You can turn this around but it will take a fierce dedication to sobriety from you to achieve that. Every time you think you can just have one you need to play the tape forward and see where it will lead you. My ex lost multiple relationships, friendships, jobs, custody of our children, her driving license, her health and ultimately her life because of her drinking. It doesn't have to be that way but the only person who can change your destiny is you. If you want to be the drunk mum who doesn't get to see her kids then that is a real possibility. Or you can be the 100% sober mum who does. It's in your hands.

Clearly they aren't 'your life' if you are unwilling to go without a drink if that means you won't see them.
Their safety is more important than what you want. With any luck he will get full custody and you supervised access to be reviewed if you can prove you can remain sober.

They understand a lot more than you think
they do. Be truthful and make it about them, not you.

Don’t promise to change overnight - whatever you do, don’t give them false hope. Do remind them
they’re well looked after with partner and that you love them.

If he took you to court (for residency?) due to your drinking then it shows he has serious concerns. If he suddenly backs down and says the kids are ok with you this will raise concerns about his own judgement. Realistically the children living with him until you have properly recovered is the best option. Otherwise they might end up in temporary care

How can you admit your children are unsafe with you and then expect to get them back?

You’re not able to be a mum at the moment, and you haven’t been for some time.

Better for the kids to stay away from
you - they’ll still love you - while you choose whether to be a mum or an alcoholic who had her kids taken away.

Only you can choose, and it’s very, very hard. Worth every second of the pain.

Why are you in family court if you and the dad agree on the best plan for the children? Did he take you to court or social services?

Have you sought any help so far for your alcoholism? After you have been sober for a sustained period eg at least a year, then you can review the situation. But for now you need to accpet the courts and your partner need to put your kids first. You need to put your kids first by working on your alcohol issues. AA have meeting every day including online.

Being a 'good Mum' isn't drinking to the extent that your children are unsafe.
I'm not judging you, as I'm a recovering addict and alcoholic, but better that the children stay with the father and you have the peace, space and time to work on your recovery.

Well see OP - that one drink is the one you can't have. I'm sure you know that so it's just getting yourself to the point of acceptance of that.