Breach of Alcohol Undertaking Family Court

The reasons why you drink can be complex but the fact is that you've proved beyond doubt that you cannot have just 1 drink.
There are loads of difficulties and excuses on the path to ridding yourself of this horrible addiction. "Do I love my kids more than I want this 1 drink?" Think of them not you. Say it on repeat while you seek support /distraction. It's so hard but you can do it. Hope you get loads of support but in the end, it's down to you.

You absolutely can do it. Don’t wait for anyone or anything to start the journey.

There’s a lot of talk of ‘needing help’ ‘getting help’ etc here.

Why are you laying the responsibility for recovery at someone else’s door? You want a judge to assist you in not drinking while your kids suffer?

You need to start saying ‘I’ a bit more. You are responsible for yourself and your own recovery. Yea, there might be tools and advice you can draw on, but it is 100% your effort at the end of the day.

I think put yourself first. Focus on getting a long term abstinence life in place. Don't use your kids or another external factor to live and healthy life. It needs to come from you. Yes others will use this as a stick to beat you with. Let them. It may be that this is something you can't control and its better for their dad to raise them and you parent from distance.
Good luck xx

OP, I'm the one with the alcohol addiction in our family. I didn't lose my children, or my husband, but in conversations we have had, it has become clear that the possibility entered my husband's head more than one. And fair enough too. In all honesty, I think that at some points my children would have been a lot better off, and that they possibly direct anger at my husband for not shielding them/putting them first, that should be directed at me for what I put them through.

We cannot have one drink. When you say 'for him, one drink is too many', that is because he knows, because he has seen, so often, so BLOODY often, that for YOU, one drink is too many - because you cannot be trusted, or trust yourself, to stop at one. In all probability, one will become two, two will become three. . . and whaddya know, you're all in a horrible situation of you and alcohol's getting together's making again.

I have been sober for over a year now. One of the biggest things that stops me is the sheer horror I know that my youngest, in particular, would feel, if she saw me take 'just one drink' again. Because it's not just the reality, it's the possibility.

It's a bit like earthquakes. You don't know if it's going to remain just a gentle 3.5, or whether it's going to turn into a life altering 7.3. And so, the possibility, as much as the reality, does the damage.

You cannot rely on 'getting the right help' to 'fix' your addiction. It can't be fixed. It is a life time condition that you will need to actively manage. And no one, and nothing, is going to fix it for you. Ultimately it comes down to you, finding the ways that work for you (that is where the help comes in) to stop yourself, every hour of every day, thinking that you can have 'just one drink', and then having that one drink, that turns into many.

IME people do not lose custody of their children for a few drunken episodes. There is clearly quite a history of your drinking impacting on your ability to care for your children safely. A safe home environment is the bare minimum children deserve.

I believe you love your children but you are minimising your drinking. You described a relapse as a blip. You were already going through a court process and still thought you could have one drink and describe your ex as viewing a single drink as unacceptable. No one thinks a single drink is unacceptable but he clearly knows from experience it's never a single drink. You seem to be in denial about this fact. If that tells you anything at all it should tell you that your addiction to alcohol is more powerful than your love for your children. You might be offended by that suggestion but you need to look as the evidence of your actions. You have lost your children because you could not abstain from drinking alcohol.

I agree with PP that you need to accept your children cannot live with you for the time being and you need to work on your recovery. The first part of that is being honest about the nature of your problem. Life will always present challenges, you need to find a way of dealing with them rather than using them as an excuse to drink.

There is no judgement from me but I know from experience that sympathy won't help you. I'd recommend trying a few AA meetings. It's not for everyone but there is no doubt that the people at the meetings know exactly what you are dealing with and at this point you have little left to lose.

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

What are you doing to address the drinking, Dr's are useless they generally tell you to ring AA.

Get the help, then go back to sort residency/kids etc. At the moment the drink is more important than the kids - I think you are going to have to give it up entirely whilst they are under 18. No alcoholic who is still using alcohol in any way is a good parent. Sorry if that is hard to take.

Echo what some others have said about not rushing at it like a bull in a china shop, you have to process it and do it for yourself as well as the children.

Was the gp useful? They've met other people in similar situations.

I haven’t had a chance to read through all the replies but couldn’t read your first post and run.

if you are at this point, please get yourself into rehab. My ex was pretty much in the same situation as you, I thought he’d never ever be able to remain sober, he did a 6 week residency rehab and he has been sober for 10 years now.

best of luck with your recovery and be kind to yourself x

It was difficult at first because of course they missed their mum. But I worked hard at providing them with somewhere they could feel safe, secure and dependable - something their mum often wasn't good at as her reactions would be swayed by her blood/alcohol level - and they thrived. What knocked them was when she was sober and they'd been seeing her regularly for a while and then she dropped off the radar again for days or weeks while she got smashed. That constant element of doubt about what she was going to do next weighed heavily on us all.

I told them the truth but not the whole truth, if you see what I mean. I explained that there are some people who have trouble controlling how much alcohol they drink and that when someone's drunk too much they're not able to safely look after children. I repeatedly reminded them that it wasn't their fault.

I told them about the Social Services intervention but I didn't tell them just how serious it was. if I'd not been able to convince social services etc that I was capable of looking after them on my own and that I could be trusted to shield them from her alcoholism they would have ended up in care. The social worker made that very clear.

PS the alcohol support forum on here is very supportive - please post on there for specific support with the alcohol

Good luck. It sounds like you’re doing all you can. I wish you well. You need to remember that you can’t even have one drink. Be the best you, for your kids. Stay strong.

They need a mum thats well. You need time and space to get yourself well. Take that time dont rush to get the kids living with you again as that will be a stress trigger iykwim in the way of your recovery.

You need to accept the kids need to live with their dad while you get yourself on even keel again. That doesnt mean that you can't see them every day.
You need to accept you have an illness, you can't cure it but you can manage it but it will take time and lots of effort from you.

I really feel for you OP. None of us are perfect parents, partners or people. We all have our flaws and it’s sad to know you’ve succumbed to alcohol to heal your problems. It’s one of those addictions that can creep up on you and is incredibly hard to control once it has you.

BUT it can be done.

Have you had therapy? Would you qualify for rehab? You’re at the stage where you need help, you won’t do it alone. You can’t.

Please reach out for all the help you can get. Now is the time to address this and if you want long term recovery, you need to do it properly with support. Racing to recovery won’t work, you’ll relapse.

You can do this, but recovery needs to become your world for now. Best of luck, for your kids sakes, I hope you can overcome this and find healthier ways to cope x

The minimising language here supports that you’re not in the right place to have your children full time.

“Even one to him is completely unacceptable”. It’s not one, and it’s not to him. You’ve said one turned in to too many. So one is unacceptable, as it’s never one. And it should be unacceptable to you, your kids and anyone listening to your story. It’s not just unacceptable to him.

I don’t want to kick you while you’re down, but you need a significant reality check and shift in mindset. Sadly, you cannot be a good mum and put your kids first and have one drink in your circumstances.